A grateful moment

[Clarityrocks]

I am posting this because you guys are the only ones who may really appreciate the way I felt today. We had a full day of activities, starting with my son's football game, then a movie, followed by dinner out. Halfway through the movie I went to fill the kiddos' drinks, and for some reason, remembered another movie outing a couple years ago, when I was on my last pill or something. It was absolute torture that day at the movies. I could not enjoy, or even tolerate doing anything without a surplus of stupid pills, for fear of running out. I was so preoccupied with drugs, my kids didn't get the attention they deserve. Waiting for a call, when, when, when... I felt free today, I can go do whatever, anything, with my husband and kids, anytime. I can really BE with them. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, and happy to be go get their drinks, or take them to the bathroom, because I CAN! While every step without pills used to be like climbing a mountain, I don't even have to think about it now. For all of you who are starting out, or new to recovery, it is worth all the pain to be free. Thanks for letting me share. Anyone else I tell wouldn't have understood how I felt.
Allison

[Clarityrocks]

Lol! Who knows what he's mad about?! He will get over it soon enough, I may never know. But I do know it isn't because I stole his check book, or pawned my wedding ring, or drove 3 hours to get pills, so we should be able to patch things up, lol! God love 'em, one day he may grow emotionally as I have, and we will communicate like adults. In the meantime, I can catch up on my shows while he sulks! Lol.
So awesome about your sib trip! How free did you feel?! Just you, no chains to meds, wow! These experiences are so rewarding, they just reinforce how we never ever want to be in that prison again. I feel almost lucky that it got so bad, now I appreciate that I can drive my kids to school, or be the team mom, cause I am dependable now! Gasp!
Allison

[clean_in_ks]

I SOOOO get it!!!  Ain't it grand that you experience these new "clean scenes" and think...man, I can't wait to tell my MH friends about this?  hahaha~
And, thanks for the clarity (no pun intended) on when these things occurred...my brain was going....well, it's morning????right??? how'd she do all that already?  LOL
I think each time we do something clean....like you described at the movies....this new awareness comes over us....about how totally enslaved to drugs we were the last time we had that very same experience.

The first weekend in Oct I took a 4 day trip.....a sibling retreat actually.  We hadn't gotten together since April 2011....back then, in 2011, I had to join them "late" so I could see my dr and get my pills....so that last 4 day weekend with my sibs was cut short cause I HAD to have my pain meds.  I also used to take a particular "cosmetic" suitcase...you know, the old square onces that lock?
I packed the same one this year....and didn't have to lock it...!!!  How cool is that?  Nothing to hide or protect.  I SO get your joy......and I appreciate you sharing it......hope you find out what your "unknown infraction" is...bahahaha...you're a hoot, Allison!
Big blessings to you~
Connie

[VICourageous]

Very Good..I am finding myself being much more in-tune with the cravings and so grateful when they pass..I look at ALL the positiveness that has happen instead of the negative. Even if my plate is full with bad issues right now, I can say I am proud to see it all clear headed and can feel real emotions. A little over a year and I am getting happier..
Thanks for the reminder..lol
Great Job on you time too!!!
Bless

[SmilingBright]

Wow Allison thank you so much for this post!!!!!!!   As I will be making the jump AGain soon from my taper and NEEDED to hear this.       What a gratifying feeling you had today.   How freeing is that!?????  I cant wait to be free and feel that way!!!!!  Congrats to u!!!!

Chris

[Dane74]

ITs so true, like you said only all of us truly understand how we feel, we all just get it!!!!  Good for you to be able to live again and be your true authentic self, this is what living is all about.  We will have our good and bad days but living the clean life is so  much happier than the days of using.  I had an episode  recently when a friend called me up off her rocker, at first i was jealous that she was so high, BUT, then i started thinking to myself, she is just miserable look her acting like a fool, and i reminded myself that i do NOT want to go back to that life again.  It messed with me for sure, seeing her high like that, knowing i could have taking some, and to be honest its still bothering me, my addict brain is trying to work so hard, but i am strong now and my guard is up and I'm looking at life now and really enjoying myself clean event though it's work.  Keep up the great work and remember all these precious times with your family.  Thanks for sharing

[Clarityrocks]

I know, right? I could go on a friggin vacation even! I can't remember a vacation when I was still using that didn't end up with stressing cause I was out or almost out. I even ended up at an ER once in Arizona. It all seems so unbelievable now.
By the way, I meant yesterday in my original post. Had to clarify, cause  I am OCD like that! Lol.
Allison

[toothfairie]

thanks for this positive post!!  and yes it's SO freeing and such a good feeling to just pick up and go anywhere and not have to pill count, or worry that you have enough to last...that's one of the most amazing feelings!!  that is truly getting your life back!!!  

[Clarityrocks]

Thanks for your comment.:) I wanted to say, even though it ***** right now, I remember when I was in detox, every single day that I was clean was a victory. I was miserable, but I was clean, and each day I had another day further away from drugs. My days and months are still huge moments of pride for me. You have made it this far, keep on keeping on, friend. The pay off gets bigger and bigger.
Allison

[Clarityrocks]

Thanks, you guys. Things do definitely come up in my life that are difficult, but compared to the disaster my life (and I used that term loosely) was when when I was using, it's all gravy. No longer having to lie or hide things anymore is amazing to me. I can just be me. Even though my hub is mad at me for some unknown infraction I have committed, lol, I know whatever it is, it is not going to cause me to lose my kids or get divorced, cause nothing I have done is very serious. We can fight about the stupid stuff, and we will be ok. And that is awesome! Lol.
Thank you, sweet Annie, I knew you would be here to validate me, even for the small victories!
Allison

[ariley13]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Those moments are so awesome. They remind us of where we came from, what we went through, and how we NEVER want to end up there again! Life can be challenging at times, but it is far more gratifying, and real when we are sober. We should all be proud of ourselves and each other for living clean and sober today.

[WAwantsherlifeback]

YES, THANK YOU.. I'm on day 4 of Ct from a high level of dros for longer than I care to admit.. THIS FAMILY here has given me the outlet I NEEDED to push through.. Today is still not great but each day is better.. AMEN

[EvolverU]

Hi Allison,

Man..Thanks sooo much for this. Not only is it great for those just starting out but for those of us who are going through trials by fire. Instead of stressing about what is wrong, I should be remembering & reminding myself everyday what it used to be like -- that I'm no longer pharmaceutically enslaved & that I can face these hurdles without recourse to drugs.

I'm so happy to hear about your moment of bliss & that all your hard work is paying off. Thank you for the inspiration, my friend -- It allowed me a much-needed moment of Clarity (ha!) & Gratitude.