Aa
Recovery from Crack
I have been clean from using crack for 3 months now. Im so proud of myself. The thing is I am haunted by when I was using. Every night when I go to bed I lay there thinking about cocaine. I have dreams about it. I didn't enjoy where I was living and how I was treated when I was using yet I feel as if I am mourning the death of a loved one. I am so glad I am not doing drugs anymore and that I am surrounded by people who I love yet I am so sad. I dont understand it. It is as though I miss those days and I cant accept the fact that they are over. Its heartbreaking. Does everyone experience this? I dont get how I am so sad that, that period of my life is over yet I know I am in a better place and I have a future now. I miss it I guess. I dont understand why I get so sad.
I did crack real bad for about four month and in that four months I lost all my money, my life, and almost my job. Congrats on stopping because that drug is evil.
Hey that's AWESOME!!! You should be proud!
Celebrate the birth of your new life mourn for the time you can never get back but be proud of the lessons that you learned.
Celebrate the birth of your new life mourn for the time you can never get back but be proud of the lessons that you learned.
crack was my doc for the last year of many in active addiction. i was already in late-stage addiction when i discovered the stem and i took off like there was no tomorrow, becomeing an all-day, every day user immediately. $hit almost killed me, but i've been clean and sober now for 1,709 days.
i will suggest to you that it's dangerous to "lay there thinking about" crack. you won't be keep thoughts of crack and using out of your head, but when they come you can't romance them. you must banish them as soon as possible.
how do you do that? that was the question that i couldn't answer at first. there were so many things that reminded me of using that almost everything i did reminded me of crack. and the way my brain was wired after my last five month run, it could go into crack-obsession mode all by itself.
people who we much longer and wiser in recovery told me that the answer was prayer. "but i don't believe in God" i told them. "doesn't matter," they said, "pray anyway." i was at the point where i was willing to follow directions even if they didn't make sense to me, because i knew that if SOMETHING didn't work (and soon) that i was done with this world. besides, these people understood where i was and where i had been, but they had been clean and happy for years.
with the help of another wise soul, i think i did improve on the initial prayer that was suggested, which was to say "dear Lord, please remove the obsession and compulsion to use," and to say it over and over and over until the obsession and compulsion passed. i said that prayer A LOT the first four or five months . . . sometimes it seemed like that was all i did.
somewhere in month five this other wise soul suggested to me that my prayer was a bit like praying "please don't let me think about the monkey on the couch, please don't let me think about the monkey on the couch." with every single repetition i was bringing the thing i wanted out of my head into my head. he suggested that i pray to receive what i wanted, not to relieved of what i didn't want. i decided that what i wanted was peace and senerity in my recovery, so that's exactly what i prayed - "dear Lord, please grant me peace and senerity in my recovery."
another thing to do when the thoughts hit is to "play the tape all the way through to the end." we tend to think about the good stuff about using, how it made us feel in the early days, or even that first bell-ringer of the day in the later days. but that's not what using was like for us . . . it had ceased being like that long before. if it was still like it was in the "good old days," we'd still be using, wouldn't we?
so, i had to play the tape all the way through and look at where MY using really took me. there was nothing pretty about that. nothing pretty about that at all.
i don't know what type of recovery program you're involved in, but i'll tell you what an addiction doc told me after i got out of my first rehab: "you must be involved, really involved, in a program of recovery. if you're not actively involved in a program of recovery, you WILL relapse." i thought she was crazy. i was NOT going to relapse. i had FINALLY made it. i was clean, looking healthy again, had learned about addiction, etc., etc., etc. no way was i going to relapse again . . . maybe some other fool, but not me . . .
well, she was right. i relapsed and was almost immediately not only out of control, but worse than ever. i'm in a program of recovery now, and i have no plans to change that. for me it's AA that works. might be NA for you, or something else. figure out what it is and work the program.
i'd also suggest that you get the book End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant, and that you take the supps suggested for you in chapter 4. your brain chemistry needs to be healed and that will help a lot.
my life after crack addiction is actually better than it ever was before i was addicted to anything. life in recovery is not just ok, it's wonderful. i'm gratedul that i became a drug addict, because without the addiction i never would have found the life i have now.
drugs were not my problem; drugs were just a failed solution to my problem. when i got rid of the drugs long enough to be physically and mentally healthy again, i was still left with the problem that made me ripe for addiction in the first place.
one last suggestion: read the book The Spirituality of Imperfection, by Kuntz.
CATUF
1709
i will suggest to you that it's dangerous to "lay there thinking about" crack. you won't be keep thoughts of crack and using out of your head, but when they come you can't romance them. you must banish them as soon as possible.
how do you do that? that was the question that i couldn't answer at first. there were so many things that reminded me of using that almost everything i did reminded me of crack. and the way my brain was wired after my last five month run, it could go into crack-obsession mode all by itself.
people who we much longer and wiser in recovery told me that the answer was prayer. "but i don't believe in God" i told them. "doesn't matter," they said, "pray anyway." i was at the point where i was willing to follow directions even if they didn't make sense to me, because i knew that if SOMETHING didn't work (and soon) that i was done with this world. besides, these people understood where i was and where i had been, but they had been clean and happy for years.
with the help of another wise soul, i think i did improve on the initial prayer that was suggested, which was to say "dear Lord, please remove the obsession and compulsion to use," and to say it over and over and over until the obsession and compulsion passed. i said that prayer A LOT the first four or five months . . . sometimes it seemed like that was all i did.
somewhere in month five this other wise soul suggested to me that my prayer was a bit like praying "please don't let me think about the monkey on the couch, please don't let me think about the monkey on the couch." with every single repetition i was bringing the thing i wanted out of my head into my head. he suggested that i pray to receive what i wanted, not to relieved of what i didn't want. i decided that what i wanted was peace and senerity in my recovery, so that's exactly what i prayed - "dear Lord, please grant me peace and senerity in my recovery."
another thing to do when the thoughts hit is to "play the tape all the way through to the end." we tend to think about the good stuff about using, how it made us feel in the early days, or even that first bell-ringer of the day in the later days. but that's not what using was like for us . . . it had ceased being like that long before. if it was still like it was in the "good old days," we'd still be using, wouldn't we?
so, i had to play the tape all the way through and look at where MY using really took me. there was nothing pretty about that. nothing pretty about that at all.
i don't know what type of recovery program you're involved in, but i'll tell you what an addiction doc told me after i got out of my first rehab: "you must be involved, really involved, in a program of recovery. if you're not actively involved in a program of recovery, you WILL relapse." i thought she was crazy. i was NOT going to relapse. i had FINALLY made it. i was clean, looking healthy again, had learned about addiction, etc., etc., etc. no way was i going to relapse again . . . maybe some other fool, but not me . . .
well, she was right. i relapsed and was almost immediately not only out of control, but worse than ever. i'm in a program of recovery now, and i have no plans to change that. for me it's AA that works. might be NA for you, or something else. figure out what it is and work the program.
i'd also suggest that you get the book End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant, and that you take the supps suggested for you in chapter 4. your brain chemistry needs to be healed and that will help a lot.
my life after crack addiction is actually better than it ever was before i was addicted to anything. life in recovery is not just ok, it's wonderful. i'm gratedul that i became a drug addict, because without the addiction i never would have found the life i have now.
drugs were not my problem; drugs were just a failed solution to my problem. when i got rid of the drugs long enough to be physically and mentally healthy again, i was still left with the problem that made me ripe for addiction in the first place.
one last suggestion: read the book The Spirituality of Imperfection, by Kuntz.
CATUF
1709
Gizzy, Hang in there Cocaine was my DOC back in the day..I moved to Oregon to get away from it..Remember Coke is just $100 Boogers!!! :)
Yaaaaaaaaa congrats on those 3 months clean, that is huge:) Cocaine is my DOC and i just logged in cause I am craving bad after all the clean time i have. I don't miss it no more, I did for a long time, but it cost me too much. I think what your feeling is normal, drugs become a big part of our lives and it's like we are giving up our best friend. It is very possible your going through PAWS right now so look in the health pages here in the top right of this page and in there is a great article about PAWS.
Stay strong and remember how bad this drug really is. Are you getting any type of aftercare to stay clean? Best of luck, your doing great:)
Stay strong and remember how bad this drug really is. Are you getting any type of aftercare to stay clean? Best of luck, your doing great:)
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