i miss it

[loveJwhite]

I woke up about an hour ago...today I miss it. I had dreams of it. A whole flippin drawer full of pills. It has been 24 or 25 days I think since I quit. I miss waking up and taking pills and getting moving. I'm just not there yet, it seems like it takes me all day to get myself put together. I miss the feeling. I have to go see my mom at the hospital....I wish I could go not feeling like this.

[chronicmistake]

You are feeling at that is what sobriety is. This is a good thing and you have to tell yourself that.  It was just a dream but I understand because I had one the other night but mine scared me and made me not want to use.  I was smuggiling drugs in and got caught by the police in another country and went to their jail and every time my family tried to call me I was not where the phone was located.  

[loveJwhite]

I am really feeling annoyed. Like something is out of sequence...or just missing. If I feel this way all day-I'm gonna scream. I feel like crying. I'm frustrated because I know the neighbor right next door has a whole pharmacy in her house...calling my name.

[Punkinhead75]

Sounds like its time to make a gratitude list!!!  Writing down and reflecting upon the stuff I am grateful for helps me get my head outta my bum.  It keeps me from thinking about what I want or feeling sorry for myself because of the things I don't have.  This is called stinking thinking and it can have a dramatic impact on how I feel.  I like hearing about the dreams.  I used get them quite often early on.  I used look at them as God's way of letting me get drunk without drinking.  I would wake up and say thank you!!!!  Have a good one.

[dominosarah]

Get yourself up and get moving for the day.  Go and see your mom and get your mind off this.  The dreams are very common and do stir up feelings.  I used to dream about robbing the pharmacy.  They will cease after awhile.  Take a walk before you go to see your mom, soak in the tub, turn some music on or just sit and cry.  It's all okay..........You can get thru this......sara

[loveJwhite]

Is this really something I will have to get a handle on forever? Is it really a LIFELONG battle? I come across these posts "been sober for five years, having bad cravings today"....really? It is very encouraging that so and so has been sober for five years-but very discouraging that they are STILL having to fight. You quit because you want to be a "normal" person...but it doesn't seem normal at all to have to fend off drug cravings for the rest of your life. Anyway, I'm going to make that list of things I am grateful for-and I'm going to put the baby in the stroller and take a long walk....get this crap outta my brain.

[dominosarah]

Yes addiction is life long but there are so many things you can do to stop these cravings in their tracks.  That is why we preach aftercare like we do.  This doesnt have to be a death sentence so to speak.  The good days FAR out number the bad days.  Addiction goes so much deeper than just stopping the pills.  I never lived a good life until a few years ago and now i am happier than i have ever been.  The road isnt always easy being an addict but i have finally found out who i am and am living life on lifes terms...I have a long way to go as i am and always will be a work in progress but that is okay as i am recovering and that is a good thing!!       sara

[addict3]

What sara said................The battles get easier as time goes on.

[wendy111]

wow I am on day 24 and am thinking just like you.  makes me feel like if you are thinking this way and I am thinking this way it must be a part of recovery even though it sure does not feel good.  hey we do not even know each other.

I do not dream it just keep hoping and praying to get high but able to stay the course.

so odd how so many of us think and feel the same.I keep listening to veterans and hope they are right.

wendy

[dominosarah]

These feelings are very normal and will pass the longer you are clean.  It is very annoying while you are going thru this.  I actually wrote a goodbye letter to my DOC and that was very healing for me.   Keep fighting thru this, you can do this!!         sara

[NoMore81410]

I have had dreams too like one time I was at my mom's house and she opened up a pill bottle trying to give me some (which would be the total opposite of what she would do) and I was tempted at first but I walked away. I think it's a way of strengthening us on our recovery and God will not give you anything you can not handle. This is a battle for us addicts and like Sara said the good FAR weighs out the bad. I am 39 days today and still struggle but by the end of the day I am thankful to have made it another day ALIVE! Some of us do not make it to see tomorrow so hold on to what you have and fight!
Praying for you!
God bless!

[mentalmary]

i really like the good bye letter thing (gonna try it)  ...and love i  know exactly what you mean about the life long fight it scares the crap out of me too....?did you even dream when you where high? i didnt i just passed out cold....dreams are suppose to be your subconscious dealing with problems...maybe the dream is like your brain saying you were hiding all the pills you were taking...like the drawer is that lil excuse you used to tell yourself why it was ok to take more...i dont know just pokin around...dreamworks.com....check it out...and i cant find that freakin coconut water anywhere around here....:|

[chronicmistake]

Trader Joe"s or Safeway for coconut water.  And you guys are making me tear up.  Can you go to a meeting?  

[loveJwhite]

I'm going to my second NA meeting tonight. That might help. I don't feel like going,but maybe by this evening I will be done feeling sorry for myself, put my big girl panties on and just go.....yesterday I was so excited "yay 24 days" - today I feel like holy crap, this is barely the beginning. Blah di dah.

[Danny111]

The addict part of us always makes us think back and recall the pills as being wonderful and making us so relaxed and happy etc..  The fact is that they really weren't anywhere near that good.  I have the same thing with cigarettes.  I think about how wonderful it would be to sit outside and have a smoke.  They were never wonderful.    The last few times I relapsed on the pills I remember being kinda disappointed.  I was expecting things to be so good and it was just kinda grey.

I catch myself daydreaming sometimes about getting some (usually when I'm lying in bed before getting up) but lately I've found that if I just change the thought from the getting part to the part when they run out it's easier to remember why I don't want them.  

[SCtranspose]

I'm having the dreams too! Day 6 clean. I was using 300mg oxy daily and went &got on Suboxone. After a week (last week) I was kicked out of treatment for not attending enough meetings (NA) I found another sub doctor and had an appointment scheduled for today but I just called them and cancelled because after I ran out of subs (last Thursday) I haven't had ANY withdraws! Some people say that they are on their way, but I only used subs for a week and it has been almost 6 days since I have had any & I feel like a million bucks. The one thing that is kicking my butt is the dreams. I have the same one every night... I find 20 OC 80s in a shoe box in my closet. Well I always go ahead and take 4 of them, I actually get high in my sleep! And it is sooooo real! Then I wake up and want to cry. The first night it happened to me, I had to make sure it was a dream and went to make sure the pills weren't in the shoe box. The strange thing is that I NEVER remember any dreams I have except this one. ( same EXACT dream for the last 4 nights). Does anyone have any advice on how to dream better? If that Is even possible! Lol. I have the will power to stay off these and am determined to do so, It would be a whole lot easier without these dreams though $igh

[gizzy32]

First of all congrats on those 25 days. I think what your feeling is normal, I mourned when I quit drugs, they were my best friend, my life and it took awhile before that went away. The dreams are very common, they su ck bad and even scary sometimes, but they do start to diminish with time. Try to think about all the problems pills caused instead of the short lived high that is just not worth it.

Glad your going to your second meeting tonight. That just shows your fighting and doing whatever it takes:) Remember, this too shall pass.

P.S. You could also be experiencing your first bout of PAWS, it has caused many to relapse. Have you read about PAWS here? Good luck and stay strong, your doing so good.

[Danny111]

I quit drinking over 20 years ago and from time to time just in the last few years I have dreams where I'm drinking again but this time I drink appropriately( ie I don't get stupid drunk and get thrown out of places etc.).  I remember realizing at some point in the dream that I've been drinking and then trying to remember when I started and worrying about how long til I get out of control or why I'm not out of control yet.  Sometimes it sticks with me a little after I wake up but am still half asleep and I'll lie there thinking about it for a while before I realize it aint real.

[loveJwhite]

Yes, I know about PAWS...I don't want to have it. How does one deal with it. Thinking happy thoughts just doesn't cut it for me. I battled depression long before the drug use-the drug use took it away...the irony.