lesson obviously not learned

[Pjtwenty]

I had a major life event happen. The first thought I had shortly after was, where can I find pills. Unfortunately my brain retained my old hookups phone number. I haven't spoke to him since Jan 12!  Was he still in "business"?  I dialed the number with my hands shaking. He answered. He remembered me. Next thing I know I'm driving on auto pilot to meet him. I get a few I drive away. I held them in my hand for 30mins almost tossed them out the window. But I didn't.I took one and within the hour I was feeling that feeling. What just happened to me hardly mattered.  I'd get through it. I'll just take these remaining few today and not go back. But I repeated this process for two weeks and a few days. And here I sit. Dealing with some mild wds and worse, my emotions are about where they two weeks ago.

Aftercare, aftercare is all I hear. I unplugged from here. I could've reached out. Life is gonna happen and I cannot deal with it by taking drugs!  Because I am an addict and I cannot take drugs or use a crutch, an unhealthy one anyway.

All the progress I made I feel like I'm back to the beginning. One good thing, before this I had gotten in a good habit of going to the gym. It was becoming my new drug. It is also helping me get through this too.

I have zero excuses for what I did. I knew better and I still did it. I did it thinking I could do it just once. How many freaking times does an addict say that!  Just once. No you idiot, you cannot do it just once!

[jugglin]

Welcome back and kudos to you for being honest.  That is the first step in ur new journey.  Yep, support and aftercare.  You can do this...even thru the crappy times....it's just that we aren't meant to walk this journey.  Sending you prayers of strength your way.  

[VICourageous]

Hi PJ..Long time. I was wondering where you have been. Yes it is sad to be a Addict..Always looking for a easy way out..lol I had my issues but I am surviving..BUT I had to stick close to here for Support and also UP my Support at home..I lost 4 loved ones in 4months. What a challenge that was not to want to run and hide behind ANY Substance like I have for the past 40 years..lol
Did you ever get to the meetings?? You will be surprised how people in all areas will help you out when times get Bad. I get calls all the Time from people trying to help me to branch out my support..There is not just meetings but other group counseling as we deal with Life. I am doing some Grieving on top of all the rest..
PJ I want to tell you that I am proud of you for reaching out. You should stay close. You have been around for a while and know how these old timers have been through alot them self's during there Recovery. Reach out and Vent away or Tell us how you are. See if you would of got on here before you made that drive, we might have re-directed you.. SUPPORT_SUPPORT SUPPORT We can not walk this Journey into our Recovery alone..Now you just stick around like you were..lol
Bless

[dominosarah]

What are your plans to stay in recovery this time?

[Amandag78]

I really like what Weaver said, i totally relate to it and said that many times in my head.  Congratulations on 48 hours, great start, keep fighting !!!

[Heather8448]

PS we dont lose our recovery and all we have learned, we just lose the clean date and as long as your alive thats all that matters I am starting over again to, day 23 we can do this together! xoxo

[Heather8448]

<3 responce is in a PM

[motye51]

That is a horrible thing to have happen to anyone and I am really sorry that your having to go through that, but remember, going through it clean will allow you to keep your wits about you!  You will need them!~  Don't allow this to make you go backwards....Your better than this!  LOL...maybe this is what they talk about in N/A about hearing what you need to hear, when you need to hear it....they called these things "reservations"!  Excuses we give ourselves as to when we can use.  Death, infidelity, job loss, for me....woke up, sat down, had good day, **** any reason to use!   LOL...don't let this beat you... it's ******, yes, but as long as you stay clean, your in the right!!!!  You know what I mean?

[Pjtwenty]

I just had a big emotional moment. Balling my eyes out sitting in my car listening to music. I started using a day after I found out my wife cheated. I cried and balled up in a the corner that morning. Not to be so dramatic but that's what I did. I haven'tshed a tear since, the pills kept me from doing that. But today iI cried again remembering that morning. My oldest son who figured it out caring around a happy picture of me and mommy holding him as a baby. The pain and hurt from that moment has caught up to me. But here I stand still 48hrs into it.

[weaver71]

It is the great obsession of the addict to use drugs like normal people.

[motye51]

I like IBKleens post!  LOL... Because it couldn't be MORE true.  If I had to do this on pure willpower???  Hell NO!  I would have lost already.  As soon as I could function after w/d I hauled my *** into N/A and I go every day. In fact, they even talk about the "issue" that happened to you above....life's issues that we as addicts use as reasons to use.  And when we look at these situations afterwards, it was probably something we could have handled clean.  Just don't pick up again!  Forward.  It's not for everyone, but my local N/A is the bomb!  These people are awesome and honestly, if not for these meetings, I know I would have used again already.  Just sounds like you would so benefit from the program.  Good Luck and here's hoping that your w/d are quick!  lol :(

[IBKleen]

Aftercare....aftercare....aftercare....

[selfinduced]

Ditto what ariley said!  Keep doing the next right thing and give yourself props for reeling yourself back in before things really got ruff. As you said, Life happens and better to deal with it head on then numb with pills and have to deal with it later on top of w/d's. Chin up……..Your post will help so many who are contemplating taking…..just one.

[ariley13]

This is such a good post. It's so ingrained in us to isolate and pull away when we need to be reaching out and talking about what we are going through and how we are feeling. We all can learn a lesson from this. I'm sorry you are going through wds again but oh so proud of you for finding your way back. You will be through this in no time, then never have to go through it again. Hang in there and treat yourself good my friend.