Had a slip up, feeling kind of bad

[penelopejane]

I apologize if this could be triggering for anybody on here but I feel guilty and I need to tell someone. Today would have been day four clean. I'm really kicking myself because this time has been the easiest on me in terms of wd since I was down to such a small amount when quitting. The day I quit happened to be the same day that all of the trees that I'm allergic to in my town decided to release their pollen. I can't get in to see my doctor for a shot until tomorrow so I've been laying around the house for the past few days feeling sorry for myself. Today I had a terrible sinus headache and while I was going through my dresser I found a piece of a pill and took it. I should have just thrown it away and taken an aspirin. It ended up giving me a rebound headache which I definitely deserved. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things right now. I know that tomorrow my allergy situation will be cleared up and I'll be able to get out of the house to do things to take my mind off of not taking hydros. I think that the problem was that I was in pain and all I could do was sit around and think about using. That was pretty much a recipe for failure. I'm making a to do list to keep me occupied for the rest of the week and part of that includes cleaning everything out so that I can get rid of anymore pills around the house I might have forgotten about. Anyone care to share what they did to keep occupied during the first few weeks? I personally feel that planning ahead is key during that period because my brain is always racing. Anyway, thanks for listening and for those of you who are reading and also had a slip up I encourage you to keep fighting. The road to success is a bumpy one.  

[YesLife4Me]

Stopping taking the pills and going thru detox is just a small part of recovery.  We have to change everything we used to do, which is not easy.  Sitting around watching TV when on pills means getting up and getting busy when not using pills.  We can't keep doing the behaviors we did when using after getting clean.  That leads to triggers and then relapse.   I relapsed so many times when trying to get clean, I lost count.  Once I started changing how I approached staying clean, like you, then it was easier.  I started looking into my old hobbies and interests such as gardening, decorating the house, sewing, watching movies I hadn't seen for a while, reading, going for walks, listening to music.  I didn't realize how much I wasn't doing these things until I started doing them again.  Its great!  Of course I over did it in the yard this weekend like a typical addict..lol..and I am paying for it today.  Oh well...its a good pain.  I accomplished alot and I am proud of myself.  I like your idea of training your puppy.  That will keep you busy too.  

[bama88]

Im glad you posted. weve All done that. relapses are part of the disease. part of the recovery. dont spend time beating yourself up. it will only produce negative thoughts.

when i first stopped it was insanely hard. and i was relapsing alot. when i finally dug deep and stopped i didnt know what to do with myself. i felt so disconnected from everything and everyone.

for me i went back to artwork. Its something i like to do to relieve my stress. or to get me out of the house. i also took away my clocks for awhile. i would sit on my hands and watch the clock. So...i took down clocks. lol.

I posted alot. read. Walked. went outside. stayed busy. and finally accepted support from others. for me that was key. support. it was day to day. moment to moment.

Youve got a great mental attitude. and thats over half the battle.

[penelopejane]

I'm glad that someone can relate to what I'm going through right now. I'm sorry to hear that you had a relapse as well but I'm confident that with the right planning and enough patience that we both can overcome our addictions. My emotions run wild when I quit. I'm used to being numb and not acknowledging my feelings when using so when I suddenly stop everything comes rushing in and it's overwhelming.
Have you cut all of your sources so that you don't have access to them anymore?

[EvolverU]

Please, don't feel bad. It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and have examined this inside and out. I'm glad you're trying to stay busy. Treat yourself well. You deserve it. Just, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep heading in the right direction. As Starshine7 says, it happens to all of us. It's the nature of the Beast & it's a learning curve - even if it doesn't feel like it. Keep up the good work. Wishing you all the grit, love and wisdom you need.

[starshine7]

I can relate, I was going pretty good, but something emotional with my daughter or boyfriend ended up making me use again (well my excuse is) I have been through a couple BAD withdrawls and I keep thinking to myself at least one should have worked. But, I think the main thing for me is not having access to the pills. There always seems to be a way....

Sorry to hear about your relapse.

[penelopejane]

Yep I think the headache was me rationalizing in the moment. I trust myself to dispose of anything I find tomorrow, what I felt was very uncomfortable and that rebound headache was complete hell. I already cut off my suppliers and stopped speaking with any friends that use.
I keep reminding myself of when I quit smoking and the couple of times I found cigarettes stashed out in my garage. I smoked a couple and they made me feel gross, just like these pills do. Eventually it got to the point where someone left behind a whole pack at my house and it didn't even tempt me. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it because I know a slip isn't the end of the world. The old me would have given up completely but I'm taking this as something to learn from. Thank you for your ideas, I've got a puppy that could use some leash training so that sounds like a great thing to do.

[Brightfutureahead]

Hi Penelope! Thanks for posting and keeping us updated. We've all been there. I really do believe each time we try to quit, even if we don't get it right, it's a step in the right direction. That being said, kind of like you mentioned above, you have to set up roadblocks so it won't happen again. Get rid of pill supplies and suppliers and get your secret out there - atleast to someone so you are more accountable. Sinus headaches and allergies will most likely appear again, know what im sayin?

Getting rid of any left over pills is a good idea. Do you have anybody else that could do that for you?

How did I pass my time? I tried to exercise my dogs a lot with long walks. It was pretty much torture to make myself get out there and do it, but I managed. I also lived in hot baths. I read a big book. Aaand, I was glued to the computer looking at MH and what kind of aftercare I should get into. <----This last part is the reason I'm still clean today :)