Avatar universal

mind over matter works?

Hi, I am a 45 year old professional with a thriving business and an amazing 9 year old daughter.  A few years ago I pinched a nerve in my neck which left my left side completely numb for about 3 months. The pain was excruciating to say the least, more so than childbirth!!!!  I tried chiropractors, neuromuscular specialists, even acupuncture.  I finally went to my regular doctor and asked for pain meds.. he prescribed tabs and my whole life changed for the better, or so I thought....
That started a battling three year addiction that has taken over my whole life.  Of course I started to need a little more than I was prescribed, then, eventually a whole heck of a lot more!#!!#  I am up to approx 150-200 mg of opiates a day!!  I have a wonderful husband who gives me free rein with money, and it took him almost two years to start to notice my 3000-4000 dollar a month pill habit...I live my life to make more money to buy more pills and I hate it!!!# I kept saying I could stop but was/am fooling myself...I finally went to my husband and told him.  He was instantly on the move to help me, but also enabled me too.  Weird but true...I think he enjoys the mellow me, as I am quite outgoing most of the time.

Bottom line is this....my dealer left town for ten days, and left me high and dry!!!# I was so mad and I am almost into day four (in a few hours) of detoxing..the moment I took my last pill..(Thursday morn)I found this site and I think I have read nearly all the posts, and they have helped me so much.  Thank you all for your amazing honesty and courage.  It has made all the difference in the world.  I got most everything from the thomas recipe and I believe it has really helped...especially the Imodium!!! I took my first bath with the jets on tonight, I just did not have the energy to move out of bed before that...I am lacking sleep, my daughter thinks I have the flu, and my husband called off work today to take excellent care of me...I know I am going to make it, and so can anyone else who is forced, or who really wants to....

Thanks for listening to my story...there may be a few people who can relate in so many ways...I only have two things I would like to say...I wish that darned doctor would have asked me if I had an addictive personality, I would have been happy to tell him I have been a recovered alcoholic for many years, and not to give me anything like that...I am not blaming him, but it could have saved me and my liver a lot of pain.....also, my dealer will be back on Tuesday, and guess what is going to happen.....of course he will call me, I am determined to stay off those horrible pills, but I am also afraid..does anyone have any advice on how to handle that????

Thanks everyone, good luck with your recovery!!!!!
20 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Hope, So glad you found this site and have started the Thomas recipe. I can see you have a positive attitude and are very determined despite having to stop the pills against your plan. I too worry for you when your dealer returns. As stong as we think we are, these pills are like magicians. They have your mind telling you all kinds of things to get you using again. It will have you feeling pain that is minimal just to feed your body more meds. You'll justify, cut deals and sell your soul if you don't do some work now. Your husband sounds great! Having his support will make much difference. Day 4 is FANTASTIC! You are over the worst and onto your new life not having to constantly chase pills and be at your dealers mercy. I too did the pills for 2-3 years and it just gets worse and worse as time goes on. Soon it's all you think about and you'll look back and realized how much of your 9 yrs olds life you missed. Write down all the reasons why your quitting and how you envision your life in a year off meds. Your doing amazing. Keep it going, you won't be sorry. Can you delete dealers number and not have any contact with him?
1827057 tn?1397520277
Hi thanks for sharing your story and great job on the four days!!
Do not turn back now.You are free and you now have the choice.Before your judgement was directly affected by the pills in your system.
   Is this dealer a friend?? Does not sound like it if they are sucking 4000 bucks out of you every month.You are nothing more than a paycheck to them and a big one at that.Sounds like you are paying top dollar for these too.
I would call him/here right now while they are still out of town and firmly let them know you are done.Tell them DO NOT CALL ME.Change your phone number.Cancel your scrip also. Just as self said above.There will be many mind tricks,I even believe that people subconsciously or consciously hurt themselves in slip and falls and what have you.Get ahead of the game in this respect.   You can do it.You already have.Just hang in there and keep it up.I started small like you and ended up on Heroin when the pills got too expensive.I am close to eight moths clean and completely back to normal.I am healthy and doing well.You will be too. Just keep going
4341997 tn?1514588688
Hi and welcome!  this site is great for info and advice...the people here are wonderful!  And i agree....i would change your number so he/she cannot contact you....and also cancel any remaining refills....you are doing great...just keep it going...one hour, one day at a time....it does get so much better....even at 100+ days clean, i feel like a new person.  Sending positive thoughts your way!  keep posting for support  
495284 tn?1333894042
You have everything you need right in front of you, a healthy child and a supportive husband.  Tell the dealer to take a hike as you will no longer be a part of this.  You are doing great being 4 days out.  I would really recommend an addiction counselor as using is only a symptom of what is going on with you now.  I am glad you found us so lean on us, that is what we are here for.
4522800 tn?1470325834
Yes I agree ! I to was going to write a book called "The drug pushers in the white jackets" It is such a $$$ making thing between the phams & doctors. They have natual cures but if they fix you they will not make the money..
So the biggest part of addiction is from the scrips. Then we get out of control and go find more and spend more $$$ and like you said work harder to buy the drugs. It is a merry go round and it has to shut down sometime. Support is a big one....You have it with your huband family. I too have this and I go to both aa/na even if I had not had a drink in 8 yrs or so I know I can play that tape back again in the pleasure part of the brain (survial) and it messes with you mentally. Over and over I think for the rest of r lifes. We just learn the tools to deal with it better.I had to get rid of all my friends that use...Pill friends or Real friends. After care in any way u choose is a must for me....I will die at my age if I go back...Thanks for the good post. AND I do not blame any one it was my choice to take the pills, but I have read some lit, that they are going to do a swap on people before they give them addictive substance. So they can see if they have that so called gene that can build up to addiction. Ya we will see. I most likely will be in heaven before they do it....
God Bless
3225128 tn?1347133998
Hi Hope ,  Welcome to this site . 4 tuff days is GREAT ,You can get your life back , lots of people here have been where your at . These people have recovered there happy normal life and will offer advise & support for you to get thru this .
Make sure you toss any pills you have , In a weak min. you can't take what you don't have .
Tell your dealer if he calls you again your hubby will beat the sh*t out of him , Maybe even shot him , no court would convict him.
Be as strong as you can and think positive if you fight hard in a few days you will be and feel so much better ... Ron
2107676 tn?1388973859
Hi and welcome to the forum
Congrats on 4 days.  The worst of the physical withdrawals are almost over.  Now comes the hard part.  The mental part of addiction.  It is so easy to slip back into using again.  Our mind tells us we can just take a few here and there and before you know it, we are back using more than ever.  Each and every withdrawal gets worse and we just dig ourselves into a huge hole.
Your business will suffer, your child will suffer and your marriage.
You have done a great thing by stopping now.  Staying clean has to be a top priority and definitely check into some sort of aftercare.  
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  You are going to need strength to tell that dealer you are done.  You have been a huge paycheck for him and he is going to be calling soon.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
Hi self, thank you for your kind words and support..

I have kept down toast and tea today...I called my best friend who lives across the country, and told her all!!  I think I have realized that support is number one in this ugly addiction game.  We shared tears and even some laughs...another person I love will be checking on me and holding me to my word!!  I had my cell shut off, I told the company for one week. Ironically, they exclaimed they would still charge me...lol I guess if that is the worst of this I will be ok.!!!
Unfortunately my dealer knows where I live, this is truly going to be the hard part.....I will keep you posted!! Thank you again....me
470217 tn?1360565361
You're doing great, keep it up!!!

Avatar universal
Hi cart, you are a hero for getting and staying clean and healthy for so long, congratulations! Thank you again for your kind words of support. My dealer is someone who has been in my life for many years due to us working together in the past....I know I must stay strong and call him at some point, this will be the hard part..I think he will respect my wishes, you are right,I feel so much better today, thank you again!!!  Me
Avatar universal
Hi tooth,  100 days clean, wow! You are right, one hour at a time...thank you so much for your kind words and staying..I will keep you posted....me
1827057 tn?1397520277
Hey great job !!    did you read my idea about calling the dealer right now while they are still out of town and telling them firmly that you are done and not to contact you when they get back.This could be the difference between success and another setback.   I know if I were getting 4000 a month from someone and I suddenly could not reach them I would be on my way to their house in a flash to make sure "nothing happened" to them. I had to do this but it bought me a month (they eventually contacted me again) until I was stronger in my recovery,
1827057 tn?1397520277
oops ....posted too soon. I was just thinking it would be safer while they are out of town as I have tried this before when they were in town and it ended in me being talked into(or me talking myself into-_  )  going and getting more drugs
So glad you are better today!!  :)
Avatar universal
Hi domino, my husband just walked into the room and laughed....he said "I see you have a new addiction"....meaning this forum!!!! Lol  I think he is ok with this one though!!
Thank you for your support as well...I promise to keep posting. Me
Avatar universal
Hi Vic, that is a great idea for a book!! You are right, in so many ways.  I hope that you are not in heaven anytime soon though, you sound like an amazing woman and a big contributor to the forum.....thanks again for your kind words! Me
Avatar universal
Hi Norco, you are funny!! Thank you for your candid and supporting words, it made me smile....I will keep posting! Me
480448 tn?1426948538
I agree with contacting your dealer and being firm with him...as others have said, you were bringing a LOT of money in, so you can expect him to be pushy without a doubt.

Just a suggestion, but I have seen people recommend saying something kind of a little alarming to the dealer to scare them away...like you've noticed a lot of police cars in your area, hanging around your house...something like that.  Tell him you've been scared straight and are DONE.  Most times, any mention of the authorities will scare off a dealer pretty good.

Congrats on your progress....you sound determined and strong, keep up the great work, this will be SO worth it for you.  You won't be a prisoner to those pills any longer.

Very best of luck to you!
3197167 tn?1348968606
Welcome to the forum girl.....and HUGE kudos for 4 DAYS!!!  
I, too, was one of those that became addicted by taking pain pills for legit medical reasons.  I was blowing thru my script, my hubby's script (and anybody else's I could yield some extra pills from) and STILL having to get MORE from expensive sources!  After getting up to 200-300 mg/day, running very low on $, still in MUCH pain, and also having a hubby who desperately wanted me to quit but enabled me some, too.....I determined to QUIT one day.  Just woke up and had "an awakening determination in my spirit" if you will.  I had been on the merry-go-round LONG enough and NOTHING was getting better......EVERYTHING was getting worse!
I KNEW it was TIME for a change for this girl.
I got rid of ALL pills, told my dr I had become addicted to them AND called my street connection (who was also a former co-worker....sort of a friend-type guy of my husbands).
Some of us are more comfortable with confronting head on.....others deny, play games, and forever try to avoid the inevitable......since you asked for comments or advice about your dealer.....thought I'd share mine.
He's an old friend.....he's out of town NOW......he will probably respect your wishes you said......BE ASSERTIVE, courageous, kind but firm and concise.  You will be heading this off at the pass and will thank yourself later.  The head games WILL begin......and you won't have to play this one.
He will definitely MISS the $$$ and he will definitely contact you.....why not text or call him RIGHT NOW....why you are feeling "free" and determined?

I wasn't rude, ugly, mean, or dishonest with my "street connection".  I just told him I HAVE TO BE DONE....NO MORE.......I'M IN BIG TROUBLE WITH THESE PILLS!!  PLEASEEEEEE respect me and don't offer me any or call me or come around?  Did he test the waters?  yep.. but just ONE time after that.....and I just said no thanks, seriously, I'm done... and quickly hung up the phone.
You won't have to "head trip" about this between now and Tuesday if you simply act right now....you have good support at home.....go for it, huh?
The majority....not all.....but the majority of people who leave a crack in the door...."just in case".....relapse EVERY time.  That's the disease of addiction and the brain......willpower, motivation, fear......all eventually fade and we will pick up and use once again.

Here's a great joy that came out of that experience for me.......a few months later.....he called my hubby to ask for help for his brother.  He wanted to know HOW I got off opiates, what did I go thru, etc.  I was able to HELP him... help his brother.  How cool is that?

So what I'm ramblin on about and trying to say is....guess you can "avoid" him, turn off  your cell phone for a week, use a scare tactic (for sure not what I'd do), or wait until you feel stronger......BUT.......your head WILL begin to lie to you if it hasn't already.
You have already GREAT support in your hubby.  You are already half way thru the nastiest of the nasties and have found your "new" addiction (MedHelp) LOL  
I promise you, the less temptation you have.......the better chance you have of STAYING QUIT and succeeding.
We have 3 "S"'s around here.......sources, secrets, support = success.
You HAVE to permanently close those doors to your sources for drugs,
you already have shared this secret with your hubby, and several friends and next will be getting ongoing support from others that are successfully LIVING a life free of pain pills.  People who are making daily choices and learning how to cope with this fun, crazy, stressful life WITHOUT drugs.  We help each other.....no man is an island......we NEED each other.  And it blesses me in a way I cannot describe to you to actually share and learn from another person that has walked in my shoes.  Love from my hubby, a non-addict, is good, of course.....but.....he doesn't GET IT. (today, I'm thinkin he REALLY wishes I was locked in a room somewhere, haha!)
For me, the more doors I chose to permanently close early on have blessed me ten fold later in recovery.  Less stress, not as many mind games....we have enough of those without worrying about what to do about our dealer friends, huh?
Once you "handle it"......the peace will be HUGE in your heart.
I wish you well on this road to recovery.......hope you'll hang around~
3176864 tn?1391555073
Just tell your dealer the truth. I had too and it helped tremendously knowing a source was gone.  U will feel like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders when u do it
4614494 tn?1368356385
You can do this!!!!  This forum has been great.  I too have become quite addicted to the forum as well. My new addiction.  I will be praying for u friend!!!  Keep it up!!  
God bless!!
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