...but at least I have enough strength in my legs to carry myself through and forward!
Today is 6 days clean (off my DOC heroin) for the first time in YEARS. Actually now that I have some clarity, it's plain to see that these patches of lucidity are frighteningly few and far between... as in, I'm 24 y/o now, have been using drugs in some form since I was 12, been to rehab a handful of times and NEVER completed them; always bailed out - in the first week as a matter of fact, once in a cab, in the rain. So stubbornly determined to stay loaded, and now I wonder why. It really provides motivation - to take care, not to take this sobriety for granted.
So, let me tell you why this time worked, and was different from the endless number of attempts in the past! I set my expectations lower. As in, I dug my heels in and expected to be in for the long haul, and to not use NO MATTER WHAT, no matter how crappy I felt for however long. (Whereas in the past, I expected the worst to be over in the first few days, and relapsed when it wasn't the case.) It really made all the difference, to be as humble and accepting of the situation as possible. Also, I did it for myself and only myself, mostly BY myself. My ex-boyfriend/roommate helped a little bit by walking my dogs in the morning for the first 2 or 3 days, but as you may be able to tell by the prefix "ex"... he's pretty fed up by this point, as are the rest of the members of my support network. They're still rooting for me, but are not surprised if/when I fail. So I really had to answer to no one but myself. I just grit my teeth, took a lot of baths, and thought, "it's now or never."
So now at day 6, I'm physically stable, and observing some of the subtleties of sobering up... most notably, the psychological frailty, I'm like an emotional newborn calf. The most random things will set me off in a flurry of embarrassed, hot tears; a gentle word or gesture of support/love, a jingle on a commercial, seeing a father and son holding hands... As uncomfortable and strange as it is, I'm so grateful to find that my heart is still here, was just stifled and hiding. I still have a soul...!!