nothing left to hide behind

[BeyondScrewed]

Something happened recently. Something was said. That I suppose is my lowest point of which I thought could never possibly happen. Which has caused the recent MAJOR taper of which I'm trying to endure.

But I am starting to feel the effects of the MASSIVE depression of which that causes. I am sitting in my parents garage.....trying to do my paperwork and get ready for work tommirow..... and tears are uncontrollably pouring down my facce. Praying noone sees me. No drugs or high to hide behind. How the **** have u people made it thru this. Jesus. I'm not even C/T'in it. Granted its a MONSTERZ drop, but damn. I just texted a good friend saying that if it wasn't for my son id run away and never be heard from again. Was serious too.

Guess it was a cry for help. But guess he is done with me. Everyone is done with me. Cant blame em. Why waste time on a worthless junkie loser. Best thing in my whole life I ever had was bein a great dad.


Now that's gone........what's the point.....don't care nymorr.

Thank u everyone for trying to help me.

[ImDONENoMore]

I agree beyond.. you need to keep talking..

Part of recovery is getting to the root of what caused us to abuse the meds in the first place and the only way you're going to begin to understand your addiction is to talk about it and reach out for help and STAY engaged.  It is very troublesome the way you post for help here.  Very upsetting.  And I'm sure you know by now, when you begin to reduce your dose (or CT) the feelings that hit you are extremely overwhelming and you need to find an outlet to get those feelings out and begin to find a way back.

We can be here for you but you need to be here too.  Keep talking.

[dominosarah]

I agree with IBK.  You come on here and say what you do and run.  Time to face the music.  We have tried to help you over and over.  Feeling sorry for yourself isnt going to help you.  You are in the drivers seat, which way are you going to go?

[IBKleen]

Everyday you come on here, make a post and never return to that post. It is so frustrating for us and worrisome as well. None of us may ever meet here but we do care for one another. I pray that you are okay but I have to tell you how upsetting this is.

[Fireby29]

I support you too.  You can do this.  Now for some advice that is up to you to take:

Quit the taper and jump.

Then you will know every hour and day you are healing your brain.  We feel terrible because our brains are trashed from the narcs.  It's just my opinion, but your just prolonging it.  I  am it making light of dropping dosage, I get it.  I just sincerely know that finally having to jump (get shoved) put me now at 110 plus clean days.  You can get there also.

Hang in there,

Bryan

[vicki595]

Hiding? Is that what you've been doing for years?   You're "out" now so stop beating yourself up and be the man you want your child to admire...

The day you decide you want to be well....and not sick...is the day your life begins again. It did for me and I promise you, I was dependant on pills for a lot longer than you've been and at disgusting amounts that you can't imagine.

It's a do or die thing, I agree, but choose life so you don't leave a sad little kid behind...

AND POST BACK FOR GOD's SAKE!

[nursegirl6572]

I sure hope you check back in and let folks know you're okay.  Nothing worse than worrying about someone youhave NO ability to check on!!!

[Brightfutureahead]

I've been following you too...and I agree with IB and Smiles and, well, all of the above posters- it's great that you come on here and reach out but you need to take the next step!! Get some help just start somewhere...rooting for you!

[weaver71]

It's good that there's nothing to hide. That's when my bottom really hit. That's when I stopped trying to do it for my children, my wife, my job. That's when I accepted my fate. I had to do it for me and my life. That may sound selfish, but now my children say they are glad I'm back. I finally became humble enough to ask for help and accept it. I still try to take control a lot, but I think back on my misery and correct myself as I go. Most things can be healed. Keep going and you will see the light.

[clean_in_ks]

I have been following your posts.....and trying to help.....

When you are ready......the action will follow.

And you must certainly KNOW BY NOW.......help is available...
but we nor anyone you know or love can make you WANT it and then ACT on it!!  Only YOU can do that!

Re-read your posts.......from beginning to end.......

[littlebit667]

Hate the addiction, NOT the addict.  That means do NOT hate yourself.  Listen to IBKleen!  

[IBKleen]

You have been killing me for months now. PLEASE, PLEASE...ASK FOR HELP. That is something you have not done yet. I beg you.

[Free2agoodhome]

I agree...... We are not bad people trying to be good. We are sick people trying to get better and not be sick anymore,,,,

Take a minute and just accept everything right now as exactly the way it is supposed to be.......not how it should be.....acceptance does not mean approval....once I accepted everything in "real time" as exactly the way it supposed to be....I could start making adjustments and move in a way healthier direction,,,,,

If you didn't care anymore..you wouldn't have posted,,,

hang tough man,,,,,,


Free~

[smiles4eva]

I will always support you.  I don't know what to say but wanted to respond immediately.  You have gotten so much good advice in previous posts. I so hope you can reread some of what has been said.  You are not a worthless junkie loser. You are sick and you need help outside of family and friends.  You will be ten times a better dad when you are are not using.