Relapse and my abusive relationship

[Opiategurl]

Yes I was two weeks clean but I let him back into my life and that means I let the drugs back in too.. He's worse of an addict then I am. he came around to see me last week and I relapsed. now I'm starting over. I havent wanted to anounce my relapse on here. I dont know. I get so much crap from everyone I just dont need to hear how I messed up. I guess people here arent gonna do that. I just dont feel like I deserve to be here, But I'll get clean. I know I will. I have to get clean from my ex too. He's worse for me then any drug out there. I spent 600$ fixing his car, buying his winter wardrobe and paying for his smokes and groceries. He wouldnt even respond to "good morning" I left it alone for three days and on the fourth day I finally said I was tired of being ignored. His responce was, that he wasnt ignoring me, my questions just werent worth answereing and me geting upset over him saying that to me made me a **** and its my fault our relationship ended., UGH......this is why Im dullling my pain with drugs, I do everything for people and get treated like ****. I just dont understand. I'm fairly intelegent, somewhat pretty, open minded and have a huge heart. Why can't I find a decent boyfriend who will treat me right and support my need to be sober. I feel doomed, lost, alone....etc.....my suicidal thoughts become more and more frequent. I just dont know how I'm gonna make it.

[OCAddict]

Hey...

I've recently gone through something very similar to what your going through now.  I relapsed after 7 months due to letting someone back into my life that I shouldn't have.  I call these people, "toxic people" also, just like Laurel did.  I'm only 4 days clean this time around, but I've been through the WD's more times than I want to admit, so I definitely know how your feeling, my drug of choice was also any opiate I could get my hands on.  As far as being ashamed, there's no reason, people have a host of different reasons for relapsing and being judgmental and harsh towards people who fall off the wagon is counterproductive and pointless.  You're right, you don't deserve to be here, no one does, I seriously wouldn't wish the WD agony on my worst enemy, but you will get clean, just have to keep your on on the prize, it is tough, but so worth it.  Its good you severed that relationship, sounds like it was just setting you up for failure.  The more we use the less we feel, we get to a point where we are completely numb to human emotion and don't even realize it.  It seems like you've got your head on straight, it won't be easy, but it will get better.  Hang in there and keeps posting, it helps alot.

[vicki595]

Okay...he's an a$$hole. He needs to go bye bye and fast!!  YUK!!

Now,you'll be fine. No escaping into pills!!  Just stop it! No one here is mad at you;we'll help you. So,dump what you have there ( pills and BF ) and just do it!

We'll help you through it!

[LeaAnn807]

Omg you do need to stay away from him. He sounds toxic!  Some people suffer from an inability to tteat people well. He's one of them I think!  You need to put yourself first and get clean right now. You can do it. Don't be afraid!

[laurel453]

oh, gurl, i am sorry. he doesn't seem a very nice person but you have choices, good choices that you can do, don't feel down.... You have the choice of healthy and good options instead of the unhealthy bad ones you have been making lately... you can change the outcome by going for the healthy options.  get back on the clean track, work on your personal problems and addictive behaviour, aftercare, you will discover that as addicts we find ourselves on toxic relatioships too...with time you will learn a lot about yourself and how to surround yourself with people that are good to you :) You are not hopeless nor doomed, it is just that you have made some bad choices but we can learn from them and change the direction, trust me. Ok, now stand up again for yourself and start loving yourself in a healthy way, ok ? :)