i want to stop, just dont know how...

[cambridge725]

where do i start. my parents were drug addicts, heroin and crack mainly. dad was more of an alcoholic than anything. more alcoholics on both sides of the family. i am almost 25 years old. I have been high almost everyday for about 10 years. ive done pretty much every drug out there. favorites are pills, xanax, opiates, adderall, etc. but ill do whatever you put in front of me. I have a beautiful amazing 2yr old. She is everything to me. Only somewhat sober time ive had was during my pregnancy.  Except I did take 1 vicodin from time to time while pregnant. Didnt take long to get back on drugs after i had her, I had a c-section which developed into a severe staph infection, had a gaping hole in my stomach for 4 months. Which meant I was prescribed vicodin during that time. Then started back on the xanax, just a lil at first to help with anxiety with practically raising an infant on my own. i already have panic attacks, ive had them since i was a kid. everyone on my dads side of the family gets them along with arrythmia's, tachtycardias, so suspect they are triggered by a heart problem anyways, the sleep deprivation brought them on strong. so then progressed to taking from 1/2 to 2 bars almost everyday. I am a great mom regardless of how horrible this sounds.  I know im not perfect but i never slept through her crying at night, let her wallow in dirty diapers,or neglected her in any way.  Even though i was ****** up i always played with her, talked to her constantly, taught her things etc.  In the past 4 years I have lost both grandmothers who were my moms, cuz she was never around. Oct 2008 my best friend was killed in a car accident while i was on the phone with her. And three months ago my life came crashing down on me. My father, my best friend, the closest person ive ever been to, passed away. Even though he was an alcoholic he loved us (me, my lil bro and sis) deeply and always showed it. He was my rock, we just got eachother, we had always been close. i cant describe it. almost like soul mates but not in a romantic way. He was getting real sick over the past year, and may 12 he was told he had liver cancer, it was very, very aggressive and he died 16 days later. up until his last breath he was begging for us, for the doctors, anybody to do something. i remember him laying there skin and bones, with a painful bloated belly, eyes highlighter yellow, saying he didnt want to die, he wanted more time. and i felt so ******* helpless. it was not like in the movies where they just close their eyes and go, he was staring right at us, with this desperate, frightened, sad look on his face.  then i saw his pupils dilate and he was gone.  he was such a sweethearted, drop dead hilarious, loving man. and i miss him so much. i dream about him pretty much every night that hes still alive, just to wake up in the morning and reality is the nightmare. he is dead. and i think "**** this hurts", i can feel my heart breaking all over again, so i just pop some pills and try to numb it the best i can. what hurts so much is everything he will miss out on. my daughter, his only grandchild, was the greatest joy of his life. she still hands me the phone and tells me to "call pee-paw" she loved to talk to him and made me call him almost everyday. whether we just saw him or not.  i hurt so bad for her that she will not have that wonderful man in her life that loved her so much, that she probably wont even remember him.  since then ive sunken deeper and deeper into my addiction.  its the only way i know how i guess.  I know my dad, though he had his own addictions and would understand, would be so disappointed at how im handling this. i just miss him so much.  he always told me just be happy-go-lucky life is too short not to. he always believed in me and knew i would accomplish my dreams, and i feel like i failed him in some way for not finishing school before he died. i just have so much pain inside. and feel so lonely. and im ashamed and guilty, and disgusted with myself, i am a smart person, i know im ******* up.  i thought maybe if i put myself out there some people could relate and maybe help me with this. i dont want to be a ******* drug addict my daughter deserves better, i deserve better. im sick of needing this ****. i want to be stronger and be able to handle this **** better. I just dont know how to stop. My friend brandy has struggled with addiction and i have attended a couple meetings with her over the years, but never with the intention on quitting, just to go with her, but tonight i am going to try to get a sitter and go to one. i need to make it happen i cant do it on my own. i know that. thanks for reading if you got this far.  i know theres no magic words someone can say that will make me never touch drugs again, im just looking for friends and advice. thanks.

[Punkinhead75]

Glad you're here and reaching out for help.  If you can't find a sitter take your child with you.  I go to many meetings where there are children.  It is never too early to start recovering.


"Today, am I willing to go to any length to be sober?"

[IBKleen]

Hi Cambridge and Welcome to the Community,

First I have to say that I am not surprised at your drug use. It is a family disease so you were destined to either use or to become an enabler of someone who uses. You see what is happening here and you have it within yourself to stop it now before you find your daughter with a crack pipe in her mouth or a needle in her arm.

The blame stops here and the use stops here. What happens now is up to you.

You can quit and we can help you to get through the physical withdrawal. That is all well and good but then what? There is a mental side to the disease of addiction and it seems to have you in it's grip. Surely that is something members here can help you with but I feel you need counseling and a strong outside support group. This is a disease you will have for the rest of your life and if you plan on staying in remission, you need to tools to help you do that.

Do you have insurance? And if so, are you willing to go into in-patient treatment?

[Tab57]

First of all welcome to this site and congratulations for seeking it out and having the courage to share your story with us.

I am sending you a message in the interest of your privacy. Please look in the mirror and remember what you see then get some professional help. Get clean and look in the mirror again. The before and after pictures will amaze and impress you more than anything you possibly can be doing with your life today.

You and you alone are in charge of your recovery efforts. No one can help you unless you really want to help yourself. I can help you with resources once you finally decide that you really want help.

Please get some professional help before you have nothing. Your story is typical as an addict (drugs or alcohol) will lose everything family, friends and possessions in pursuit of their addiction if they don't stop.

You must basically give up your lifestyle and start fresh. You have to do what is best for your future or you will have no future.

Now a little bit about me so you know something about me.

I grew up in a household where drug and alcohol addiction were a way of life until my parents divorced when I was 14. If it wasn't for my late step mom I don't know how I would have turned out. I am doing fine. I went from possibly being an alcoholic to being very happily married and I a manager for a Fortune 500 company. However I struggle with addictive cravings from time to time, particularly during the tough times.

My passion is helping others who want to help themselves. I am the real deal so feel free to ask me any questions that you would like and I'll do my best to answer them. I have had similar contacts with others on this site and they seem to respond well to messages. I would be glad to help you ina any way that I can. Let me know if you are interested.

Quitting is very hard but first you must be honest with your family and true friends. I can't emphasize this strongly enough. They want you to succeed every bit as much as you do I am sure. An addict tends to hurt those the most that they love the most. You need to tell them what you did to hurt them in the past and be very specific here. You then need to sincerely apologize and tell them of how you plan to change. You will be surprised as to the amount of support that you will receive from them.

Quitting on your own is very difficult. You need to look into professional help and counseling in a support group setting. This can be done through Narcotics Anonymous or a professional treatment facility.

I have fully supported a friend of mine who came to me in January and admitted his Loratab addiction issues. I went out on a limb for him after he had a heart to heart talk because he really wanted help. His is in treatment and has been clean for six months. Everyday is a new day but so far so good. You too can fight the good fight but it is done one day at a time. Keep me posted on how you are doing.

I have a nephew who has addiction issues and to date he does not want help. He frustrates the daylights out of me. I just wished he would look in the mirror and realize that he needs help. He is 21 so he may need more time. He committed a felony during his problem with alcohol and drugs. He also has managed to get kicked out of the Navy. I am the father figure in his life and am powerless to help him at the moment. I wish in the worst way that he would ask for help like you have.

In closing I saw this on another member's post today and though it was tremendous. II want to share it with you.

You will not STAY clean IF YOU…

Refuse to admit you’re an addict.
Keep your addiction a secret.
Trade your drug of choice.
Continue to drink either frequently or occasionally.
Take any other mood altering substance.
Refuse to seek and embrace aftercare.
Continue to hang out with friends that use.
Stay with a spouse (boyfriend/girlfriend) that uses.
Hang out in places in which you used.
Think you can control your use.
Continue to use the same plan to quit thinking this time will be different.
Think willpower will keep you clean.

Back to my reply...
My motto is ...No one can help you unless you really want to help yourself.

I can help you with resources once you finally decide that you really want help.

I will be praying for you and your recovery efforts. Please respond back to my message and keep in touch if you would like to.

Tom