think im ready AGAIN...

[jt808]

well i just posted few days ago than went on a very dangerous bender for those of u who dont no my story ill make it as short as possible well for last 6 yrs i have been on mostly norcos(or vicodin,lortabs,percs whatever i get my hands on but manly norcos) 10/325 and takn bout 40 a day giv or take on my money situation and about 3 months ago i finally came clean with everyone i lost my fiance of the last 6/7 yrs she moved out, and my family was obviously devestated and worried but i was doing good for like month and a half than for like the last month and a half i have been back on em with out anyone knowing again and its been getting worse and worse i am taking the most that i have ever been takn i didnt give the n/a a fair shot and didnt really do the necessary things to keep me clean and 2 tell ya the truth i am stl not hundred percent sure if im ready i mean damn i wana quit cause of all the problems and what i go thru daily basis but stl in the back of my mind its sayn like man u no u wanta eat sum pills some times its just a lil louder than other times. i started takn sub last nite i wish that i could do sum sorta structered inpatient thng but i cant with my job and stuff and money, but when im out here alone its so hard i have literally been tryn 2 quite for like 3 yrs or so and go back every fukn time, i want ths time 2 b diff i really do but i dont no if it will. what makes this time different than the others ya no. well i no that when ur in recovery ur not suppose to date and i didnt mean to but i meet this girl and we hit it off i wasnt tryn to find anyone i was just lonely lookn for sumone to mayeb like talk 2 but u cant help who u get feelings for so now im dating this girl and she has no idea bout my addiction and i wana tell her but i dont want her to leave like the ex. i dont no what 2 do. ive just never beem sober since like i was 13 yrs old started with weed, and booze than the mushroom acid wicky sticks opium and than  in high school i was geting bad on cocaine for few yrs was addicted but quite that, now its the dam pills for like 6 yrs. im olny 25yrs old and i already messed up so much in my life it just suxs to no that im a complete *** up. well i dont no if im gona tell my parents bout the relapse i dont thnk they can handle it again i thn k im just gona give it my all meeting and everythng what the keys to success what has helped u people stay together any help would be greatly appreciated. ANYTHNG AT ALL IM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES...

[Beth105]

Hey, your story sounds like mine, but I'm 33 not 25. If you want it bad enough people in this forum will back you up! You are so young and have a long healthy life ahead of you. You can do this. I was taking pills like an idiot too, I could down 60 5mg. hydros in 2 days. Take it one day at a time.......-Beth   By the way, I'm clean for 2 weeks now!!

[jt808]

thanks for replyn yea i get em from the doc i have been for a while but only when i couldnt afford pills or whatevere the case was but nothn steady the dr seems pretty good he dont no i messd up again if he did he would kick me out cause he says thata it to many times and i got a pee test on fri and the last time i ate any was monday early morning so if i come up hot no more subs than im really screwed.i dont no how long i plan on stayn on subs for i no people say not 2 long but way i c it is if it helps me to stay off eatn 40ish a day by takn one sub than i guess its worth it.what do u thnk bout startn a relationship during this time i mean i kinda no what people r gona say but i didnt mean to like get serious it just kinda happaned and what if this is like the one and i pass it up ya no i dont really no oh and shes not an addict she dont do anythng not even drink. once agin thanks u were here for me last time when i was getn clean to refusing thanks alot and gizzy thnks. im headn to a meeting at 7

[refusingbondage]

Hey jt -glad to see your back.  Ok your not a F up.  Your an addict which doesnt make you a f-up .. we have all been there..  I can only tell you that this is something that CAN be beat. But you have to own it and take responsibility for it.  Its H-A-R-D work staying clean.. we know that, but you can do it.   NA is a great idea, but its not going to work unless you work it.  What about counseling?  I know a lot about being a young drug addict cause I was one.. I am finally owning up to it now at 29 but my story is very similar to yours.. I think its really important to figure out WHY you use... through NA to help you stay clean and counseling to try and figure out why you want to use in the first place...  I think that yes you need to be accountable to someone.. parents probably are best, but your heart needs to be in this... which I know is tough.. sometimes I think to myself"'will I NEVER use or take a pill ever again?"..  But its hard to think like that.  So I say, I am not using or taking pills TODAY and that helps... I do know that it gets easier with time.. I am sorry your struggling...you say you will do what it takes and that's a good thing.. so your on sub now?  how long will you stay on?  staying off everything else should be easy on sub as you wont get high if you take any other pills... and for me the naloxene in suboxone really helped with any cravings..Are you getting them from a doctor?  What is your doctor's recommendation?  I really know you can do this and wish you all the best of luck in the world.

[gizzy32]

Hey buddy, i understand what your saying, i really do. Although there is that desire to get clean and hitting bottom after bottom you realize that nothing will change until you get clean. I think going to a meeting is a giant step. Although i didnt' attend N/A that long, i remember walking in for the first time and when i walked out i felt this different high. It's normal what your thinking now, drugs have been a way of life for many of us and giving that up is terrifying, but what is even more scary is having to live like that. Your still a young man with your whole life ahead of you, NOW is the time to fix this. Get some help, go to meetings, post when craving and pissed off. Like you just said,
IM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES... Recovery is about change, not just getting clean. Your life will do a full circle clean and i hope to read about all your success. Good luck man.