Aa
Making Poor Choices
Last time i took a little break from the forum i relapsed and i did again this time too. These past 2 weeks the addict in me has come out and im making some poor choices. Im 2 weeks clean from coke today, but i am now taking some pills. I hurt my back at work and and used it as an excuse. Ive been hanging out with someone i should not be and she has access to pills. I thought cause i was in pain it would be ok, but that is the addict in me talking. Never been a pill popper, but i kinda like these demorol. It's hard admitting this, but im writing this post for some support and a good kick in the as s. I don't want to use drugs and i have done so well this past year. i would have been clean a year on nov 11th if not for a couple screw ups, but all of a sudden without a support group, im resorting to old habits that get me in trouble. I let myself down and this time it's taking me longer to get back up. I did my best when i was on here posting and helping so im gonna try to suck it up and get back on here cause ive missed so many of you. You would think after going through this over and over the guilt would get easier, but it's the opposite. Guilt is a horrible feeling and i'm trying to get past that right now. Missed you guys and could use some support right now:)
The title of your post reminded me of something I wrote on here back in January, about a post I had found from 2002, when I was kinda-sorta, getting-ready-to-get-ready to get clean. I've copied it below
CATUF
1258
======================
A few things just jump out and slap me about the CATUF that wrote that post now almost 6 years ago.
First, I can see that I didn't just underestimate the beast I was fighting, I completely misidentified the SOB. I thought I was up against BAD HABIT and POOR CHOICE. I don't think I had any better understanding of what addiction is really about than a kid who thinks he understands war after spending a day playing paint ball. I just did not get it. Running with the same analogy, I thought I had been playing paint ball and utterly failed to comprehend the fact that I was actually in a war. There I was on day 23 confusing a lull in the hostilities with GAME OVER.
Second, I see that I was still way too much of a Lone Ranger . . . I didn't show up on day-1 looking for help, I had to do it all by myself (lurking but not posting) and then appeared only when I thought I had conquered the enemy.
Of course back then it could have been that I just didn't need (or think I needed) help. After all, it was just a BAD HABIT and a few POOR CHOICES. But I'm sure, as I later proved, that I was constitutional incapable of asking for help. I refused to do anything that might make it even appear as as there was a remote possibility that I NEEDED help. I thought that needing help was a sign of weakness and I thought that weakness was inherently BAD. So, I simply "refused to be weak."
I don't think like that anymore -- I can't quite explain this, but now it's not only OK to be weak, it's a source of strength. Like so many things in Recovery, it's completely upside down: When I try to be "strong" and fully self-reliant, I somehow end up weak; but when I allow myself to be weak and ask for help, I somehow become strong. There are few passages in the Bible that really strike a Recovery chord with me and one of them addresses this phenomenon. It's at 2 Corinthians 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Third, reading my first post, I am just astonished by the fact that I had no idea what was to come. I simply had no idea how bad it would get. I had no idea what addiction could do to a person. I had no idea what addiction would do to me and my family. I just had no idea. In the three years that followed that first post I went from a successful professional (with a secret BAD HABIT) to an outlaw who looked like he just left a Nazi concentration camp.
In March of 2002 I would have been mortified if someone even suggested I had ever taken a few too many pain pills.
In May of 2005, pretty much everyone knew that I was a drug addict: I looked and acted like a drug addict; I was known to the Metro Drug Unit; the DEA wanted to talk to me; I had been handcuffed, kneeling by the side of a busy road at rush hour with 5 cops having their weapons drawn and pointed at me; I had been robbed at gun point in the ghetto at 4:00 am on a week night; I had longed since ceased caring that video cams in housing projects were recording me on a daily basis going into the homes of known dealers; I had been kicked out of my home (which we we losing); I had spent every dime I had ever saved and created a mountain of debt; my practice was belly up; etc., etc., etc --
But in May of 2005, I wasn't mortified by any of that. It didn't even phase me. That's just the way it was. More often than not, I thought I was pretty slick in the way I was handling myself. I was fine.
Well, sort of. I mean I knew my life was over and that I was going to be dead soon. I was a bit baffled that I was ending that way -- it didn't seem quite right. But, since that's the way is was, I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. Besides, worrying about whether it ended tommorow, or next week or next month wasn't going to help me find what I needed to make it through TODAY (first things first, right?).
The thing that finally broke through the insanity that controlled me was my kids. I found it odd that I couldn't seem to muster any feelings for my kids. I knew they were more important to me than anything. I knew that I loved them dearly. I knew that I was "a great Dad." I knew all that, but I couldn't seem to tie any of it to me. It was like something I read in a book. But I knew it had been me . . . I knew it was who I was. But I couldn't feel any of that.
I clearly remember realizing one night that it had been 4 or 5 days since I had even talked to any of my kids. I had an auto-thought that I "should go see my kids." However, I quickly realized that I wasn't really an option - I was way past pills at that point and I knew I couldn't stop using long enough to get anywhere near them. Then I thought, "wow, you should feel bad about not going to see your kids." I answered that thought out loud, "maybe I should, but I don't" and I turned back to what I was doing.
But then it hit me. In a brief moment of clarity I SAW and KNEW that if I didn't care about my kids, then I wasn't me anymore. Addiction had taken me from me.
That did phase me. I was in no condition to jump up and turn over a new leaf. But when I realized that addiction had taken that which I thought of a "ME," I was filled with fear or dread or horror or something . . . I don't have words to describe it. Whatever IT was, IT is what finally made a lasting difference.
IT put me in a posture to accept (and even ask for) help in finding Recovery, when I wanted to do things myself.
IT taught me to shut up and listen, when my inclination was to argue.
IT taught me to remain open and willing, when I wanted to close myself off. (I'm really good at being silently defensive. With what seems like the flip of a switch I can become immediately and fully defended from anything. It's almost like a titanium shield springs out and encircles whatever portion of my brain it is that counts.)
IT taught me to smile and say "thank you," even when Imy first reaction was to say "f-you."
IT taught me to look for good in others (and in myself), even though I was better (and far more practiced) at quickly identifying defects.
IT taught me to see God in others (and in myself), even though I wasn't all too sure there was a God in the first place.
IT teaches me that I need to frequently study these and similar lessons, because I'm a slow learner and a quick forgetter.
I'm not quite sure why I got started on this long ramble . . . LQQK's post on being a lurker got me thinking about back when I did just that, and when I went and read my first post here it got me thinking about everything. Anyway, it make me feel very good and blessed to know that it was my four wonderful kids who saved my life. I'll have to tell them about that moment someday, but right now I don't think I could bring myself to tell them the part where I didn't care about them.
CATUF
Day-962
CATUF
1258
======================
A few things just jump out and slap me about the CATUF that wrote that post now almost 6 years ago.
First, I can see that I didn't just underestimate the beast I was fighting, I completely misidentified the SOB. I thought I was up against BAD HABIT and POOR CHOICE. I don't think I had any better understanding of what addiction is really about than a kid who thinks he understands war after spending a day playing paint ball. I just did not get it. Running with the same analogy, I thought I had been playing paint ball and utterly failed to comprehend the fact that I was actually in a war. There I was on day 23 confusing a lull in the hostilities with GAME OVER.
Second, I see that I was still way too much of a Lone Ranger . . . I didn't show up on day-1 looking for help, I had to do it all by myself (lurking but not posting) and then appeared only when I thought I had conquered the enemy.
Of course back then it could have been that I just didn't need (or think I needed) help. After all, it was just a BAD HABIT and a few POOR CHOICES. But I'm sure, as I later proved, that I was constitutional incapable of asking for help. I refused to do anything that might make it even appear as as there was a remote possibility that I NEEDED help. I thought that needing help was a sign of weakness and I thought that weakness was inherently BAD. So, I simply "refused to be weak."
I don't think like that anymore -- I can't quite explain this, but now it's not only OK to be weak, it's a source of strength. Like so many things in Recovery, it's completely upside down: When I try to be "strong" and fully self-reliant, I somehow end up weak; but when I allow myself to be weak and ask for help, I somehow become strong. There are few passages in the Bible that really strike a Recovery chord with me and one of them addresses this phenomenon. It's at 2 Corinthians 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Third, reading my first post, I am just astonished by the fact that I had no idea what was to come. I simply had no idea how bad it would get. I had no idea what addiction could do to a person. I had no idea what addiction would do to me and my family. I just had no idea. In the three years that followed that first post I went from a successful professional (with a secret BAD HABIT) to an outlaw who looked like he just left a Nazi concentration camp.
In March of 2002 I would have been mortified if someone even suggested I had ever taken a few too many pain pills.
In May of 2005, pretty much everyone knew that I was a drug addict: I looked and acted like a drug addict; I was known to the Metro Drug Unit; the DEA wanted to talk to me; I had been handcuffed, kneeling by the side of a busy road at rush hour with 5 cops having their weapons drawn and pointed at me; I had been robbed at gun point in the ghetto at 4:00 am on a week night; I had longed since ceased caring that video cams in housing projects were recording me on a daily basis going into the homes of known dealers; I had been kicked out of my home (which we we losing); I had spent every dime I had ever saved and created a mountain of debt; my practice was belly up; etc., etc., etc --
But in May of 2005, I wasn't mortified by any of that. It didn't even phase me. That's just the way it was. More often than not, I thought I was pretty slick in the way I was handling myself. I was fine.
Well, sort of. I mean I knew my life was over and that I was going to be dead soon. I was a bit baffled that I was ending that way -- it didn't seem quite right. But, since that's the way is was, I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. Besides, worrying about whether it ended tommorow, or next week or next month wasn't going to help me find what I needed to make it through TODAY (first things first, right?).
The thing that finally broke through the insanity that controlled me was my kids. I found it odd that I couldn't seem to muster any feelings for my kids. I knew they were more important to me than anything. I knew that I loved them dearly. I knew that I was "a great Dad." I knew all that, but I couldn't seem to tie any of it to me. It was like something I read in a book. But I knew it had been me . . . I knew it was who I was. But I couldn't feel any of that.
I clearly remember realizing one night that it had been 4 or 5 days since I had even talked to any of my kids. I had an auto-thought that I "should go see my kids." However, I quickly realized that I wasn't really an option - I was way past pills at that point and I knew I couldn't stop using long enough to get anywhere near them. Then I thought, "wow, you should feel bad about not going to see your kids." I answered that thought out loud, "maybe I should, but I don't" and I turned back to what I was doing.
But then it hit me. In a brief moment of clarity I SAW and KNEW that if I didn't care about my kids, then I wasn't me anymore. Addiction had taken me from me.
That did phase me. I was in no condition to jump up and turn over a new leaf. But when I realized that addiction had taken that which I thought of a "ME," I was filled with fear or dread or horror or something . . . I don't have words to describe it. Whatever IT was, IT is what finally made a lasting difference.
IT put me in a posture to accept (and even ask for) help in finding Recovery, when I wanted to do things myself.
IT taught me to shut up and listen, when my inclination was to argue.
IT taught me to remain open and willing, when I wanted to close myself off. (I'm really good at being silently defensive. With what seems like the flip of a switch I can become immediately and fully defended from anything. It's almost like a titanium shield springs out and encircles whatever portion of my brain it is that counts.)
IT taught me to smile and say "thank you," even when Imy first reaction was to say "f-you."
IT taught me to look for good in others (and in myself), even though I was better (and far more practiced) at quickly identifying defects.
IT taught me to see God in others (and in myself), even though I wasn't all too sure there was a God in the first place.
IT teaches me that I need to frequently study these and similar lessons, because I'm a slow learner and a quick forgetter.
I'm not quite sure why I got started on this long ramble . . . LQQK's post on being a lurker got me thinking about back when I did just that, and when I went and read my first post here it got me thinking about everything. Anyway, it make me feel very good and blessed to know that it was my four wonderful kids who saved my life. I'll have to tell them about that moment someday, but right now I don't think I could bring myself to tell them the part where I didn't care about them.
CATUF
Day-962
Well, there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. You can consider your a** kicked and you've had some words of encouragement. The only thing I have to add is something a friend of mine who has been in recovery for a LONG time always tells those who are just beginning the journey. That is to follow three simple rules: NEW PLAYGROUNDS, NEW PLAY THINGS and NEW PLAYMATES. I don't think he's referring to the "bunny" type of playmate, but if they're sober...???
You have to surround yourself only with those who are supportive of your recovery and want you to succeed rather than trying to drag you down with them.
Welcome back. I too have fallen off the proverbial wagon a time or two or more so know how it feels. We're not here to judge; just to offer support and friendship. Hang in there!
You have to surround yourself only with those who are supportive of your recovery and want you to succeed rather than trying to drag you down with them.
Welcome back. I too have fallen off the proverbial wagon a time or two or more so know how it feels. We're not here to judge; just to offer support and friendship. Hang in there!
You know what you did, you see the pattern when you slack off meetings and MH. Quit using what has happened before (relapse and coming back) an excuse to say it's ok to go back out. One of these times you may not come back. Many of us think, 'well i relapsed before and got back on the right track, so I can do it again!' We all know the road to addiction leads to death. Only the road to recovery leads to living. You said it and it's true, with each relapse it gets harder and harder to get back. Whether you used your original DOC or not, you still relapsed. Gotta quit thinking its the drug. It's NOT. Its our behavior and our reaction to life on life's terms. You have to change the behavior. A relapse begins WAY before the actual act of using. Figure out what was going on months or weeks ago that began this process. THAT is where you will find the lesson. You know what you need to do to stay clean....so do it. We all look up to you and your wise words. You have made a difference in my life as well as many others. The important thing here is that you did come back, don't take that for granted. Just as we will not take you for granted. We value you and everything you have to offer us. Welcome back!
G, ya know i got mad love for you bro, you were instrumental to me stickin round this forum. that said, i gotta kick ur *** now. YOU know that relapse is especially hard for cocaine addicts. you have seen me , and know my story. i started cleanin up 5, count em, 5 years ago. I have relapsed sooo many times, i cant even call em relapses. that dont make it right. you said addicts make excuses.... excuses are like assholes, eva bodys got one and they all stink. quit makn excuses and realize that you need to stick close to this site and NA for AT LEAST the next year. You cant say i was clean a year except i relapsed 3 times! You know well as I do that ya gotsta start the clock again eva time you use.
Bro, this addiction will not end unless we end it. the mental part of coke addiction is a hell only a few of us on here know. I think maybe you need to work on ya head bro, and find out why you continue to make the choice to setcha self back. search ya soul bro, and figure out WHY this is happening. Are you bored, stressed, pissed off..... thats wutcha need to figure out. This time of year is specially hard for me, i hate cold weather , n i aint seen the sun in ova a week. but i know that making the call to get dope will not make that ne better.
one more thing, i told ya this before. as coke addicts, we know that we have resources available to us to help us thru cravings. but like you , i choose not to use the numbers i have . hell when we get the urge to use, the last thing we want is to call someone that is gonna talk us outta it!! but trust me bro, if you use the number that makes my phone ring, I WILL get you thru , no matter how long it takes. and if ya use that number, you will realize that it really does work. NEXT TIME MAKE THAT CALL, NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT!! now im done kickin ya ***!!
I consider you a brother, and as a brother i have no problem buyin a ticket to fukin canada for Cathy to come n truly whoop that *** LOL!! for real, mad love for you bro, and if you get this, you got this... much love
Bro, this addiction will not end unless we end it. the mental part of coke addiction is a hell only a few of us on here know. I think maybe you need to work on ya head bro, and find out why you continue to make the choice to setcha self back. search ya soul bro, and figure out WHY this is happening. Are you bored, stressed, pissed off..... thats wutcha need to figure out. This time of year is specially hard for me, i hate cold weather , n i aint seen the sun in ova a week. but i know that making the call to get dope will not make that ne better.
one more thing, i told ya this before. as coke addicts, we know that we have resources available to us to help us thru cravings. but like you , i choose not to use the numbers i have . hell when we get the urge to use, the last thing we want is to call someone that is gonna talk us outta it!! but trust me bro, if you use the number that makes my phone ring, I WILL get you thru , no matter how long it takes. and if ya use that number, you will realize that it really does work. NEXT TIME MAKE THAT CALL, NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT!! now im done kickin ya ***!!
I consider you a brother, and as a brother i have no problem buyin a ticket to fukin canada for Cathy to come n truly whoop that *** LOL!! for real, mad love for you bro, and if you get this, you got this... much love
What a great post and congratulations to you!!! You get it. And you have made the sacrafices to ensure your commitment to a healthy life. You impress the he** out of me, I pray to god someday my girl will be as invested in her life, and as committed to staying clean as you are with yours.
You said it all so very well. I wish you continued success, love and happiness
You said it all so very well. I wish you continued success, love and happiness
we are human beings and to make a wrong choice is natural but you know you did and have came back for support. it s just our path of road we must endure. missed you and welcome back. i ll keep you in my prayers tonight. we will beat this...maria :)
Giz I have missed you so very much, you know that right? I started PM'ing people when i noticed you hadnt posted in awhile just so i could find out if you were OK or not.
Im glad that you have finally come back here to us. We need you as much as you need us. and as for the pills.....wow, you went from never being a pill popper to eating Dems?? holyshitt, thats some powerful stuff, bud. I hope you stop using them IMMEDIATELY. You do NOT want to go down the pill road next. I remember you saying that coke WD"s are not that bad physically, that its mostly a mental thing and prolonged cravings... I will have to take your word for that as I have never done coke, but I sure as helll have experience with pills as most of us here do and its a hugely physical torment as well as mental helll you go thourgh with WDS from them. You already know that though. I hope very much that you get off of them before its too late. TRUST ME you DONT want to go that route honey, you really really do not!
Much love to you, my long lost friend. Stick around, please!
xo xo
Im glad that you have finally come back here to us. We need you as much as you need us. and as for the pills.....wow, you went from never being a pill popper to eating Dems?? holyshitt, thats some powerful stuff, bud. I hope you stop using them IMMEDIATELY. You do NOT want to go down the pill road next. I remember you saying that coke WD"s are not that bad physically, that its mostly a mental thing and prolonged cravings... I will have to take your word for that as I have never done coke, but I sure as helll have experience with pills as most of us here do and its a hugely physical torment as well as mental helll you go thourgh with WDS from them. You already know that though. I hope very much that you get off of them before its too late. TRUST ME you DONT want to go that route honey, you really really do not!
Much love to you, my long lost friend. Stick around, please!
xo xo
hey don't feel bad i have done the same, i did my fair share of pills and coke. It is easy for us to fall when we don't have a support system, and very easy for us to fall when we are around some one who does those things. yup get away from the girl, she is going to bring you down, and you could go way down and you deserve more then that because you are a great person and you can give great support to others. The thing is you get support here and you can give it :) You get help and other help you!!
it was essential to my staying clean that i went to a lot of AA/NA meetings (mostly AA), that i followed the suggestion of 90-in-90 (actually more like 250-in250 for me) and that i got a sponsor, with whom i worked closely.
i no longer go to meetings every day, but i still average over 5 a week and i see my sponsor at least once a week and talk to him on the phone several more times a week.
sometimes my meeting stuff seems like a ROYAL pain and i find myself thinking "i don't want to go to that f-ing meeting." my rule is that if i'm thinking i don't want to go then i absolutely have to go -- i often get very resistant toward exactly what i need most.
i'm pretty sure that i go to way more meetings than necessary and it's been a long time since i felt in actual danger of using (or drinking). but i don't know what the actual number i need is. i don't want to be on the edge and i really don't want to be missing that meeting that i truly needed. plus, i just "do better" with frequent and regular meetings - i'm comfortable in my own skin most of the time, which is otherwise not the case.
another thing about my being at meetings that is good for me is that it's a tangible, affirmative, positive thing that i'm doing to make sure i stay in recovery. regardless of how bad (or good) the rest of the day might be going i know that i did something directed only at keeping me in the life that i want.
CATUF
1257
i no longer go to meetings every day, but i still average over 5 a week and i see my sponsor at least once a week and talk to him on the phone several more times a week.
sometimes my meeting stuff seems like a ROYAL pain and i find myself thinking "i don't want to go to that f-ing meeting." my rule is that if i'm thinking i don't want to go then i absolutely have to go -- i often get very resistant toward exactly what i need most.
i'm pretty sure that i go to way more meetings than necessary and it's been a long time since i felt in actual danger of using (or drinking). but i don't know what the actual number i need is. i don't want to be on the edge and i really don't want to be missing that meeting that i truly needed. plus, i just "do better" with frequent and regular meetings - i'm comfortable in my own skin most of the time, which is otherwise not the case.
another thing about my being at meetings that is good for me is that it's a tangible, affirmative, positive thing that i'm doing to make sure i stay in recovery. regardless of how bad (or good) the rest of the day might be going i know that i did something directed only at keeping me in the life that i want.
CATUF
1257
Hey Gizzy, Glad to hear your back and going to continue fighting.Try to get rid of the pills and stop now. It will be easier not to beat yourself up once you've made that decision. I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way. GBU, Corey
Please.....you r such strong person. You fight so hard with your own addiction please dont go there and add on another **** a** addiction!! Pills sneak up on you so fast. I know i keep telling you this but its so true. Im sure its like any other drug when it comes to that but i dont wnt to see you fall into its hold. Pills are lil f*****s!!!!! Please stop this cycle before it goes any farther...please!!!!!
Glad to see you are back and reaching out for help! Addiction is life long and sure we all stumble but its those times that we need to learn to reach out. Its those times we have to hold our heads high and be strong. You are a wonderful person Giz. You have helped me so many times not to mention so many others. Stay strong Giz and know i am a phone call away and always will be for you!
Hugz,
Jen
Hugz,
Jen
You have a tremendous support group as close as your computer. And people even miss you. One said that you were a prime mitivator to get her off the powder..... You arent anyplace today that all of us have been to before.....Now just dust yourself off and get back in the saddle ......... we all miss you ..........and your are a tremendous asset to this forum regardless of what you did yesterday ......
i'm not going to kick your a$$ cause you could show thaat finger to me after :)
but whenever we do the most intelligent thing , i believe we can not be wrong and what you just said sounds to me the most intelligent thing to do, soooooo well said.
but whenever we do the most intelligent thing , i believe we can not be wrong and what you just said sounds to me the most intelligent thing to do, soooooo well said.
As addicts we are great at making excuses and i know that's what im doing now. Ive used 3 times this year, i used to use that much in 3 days as an active addict so i have come a long way. The forum has been my aftercare and when im here posting i stay clean so that's what i will continue to do. Now that work is winding down i will be able to attend those friday meetings held by my aunt who is an addition counsellor. I have been to N/A and it's a great group, but im more comfortable with friday meetings instead of N/A. It was very hard for me to post this, but i know in order to get back on track i need you guys and i need to help here.
I'm just barley up and drinking my first cup of coffee lol....but wanted to get on and show ya some luv...You know everything i feel i have already told u so i wont go on and on here...But I am soooooo glad you came back here, you need MH and MH needs u too, you help alot of ppl when u r here....You can not leave agian u know what happens when you do....No the guilt dont get better like u said, everytime i have relapsed the guilt and shame r worse...but you have taken a big step now and with the help of the great ppl here and get some support by meetings you can do this and you know it...
Love ya, Me
Love ya, Me
I have told you this over and over I am going to tell you again you have to find some recovery care NOW you cant do this without it how any times in the last year have you gone down this same road you keep doing things the same way and the same things keep happening it's time to do something different so you can have some different results :)
Avis
Avis
Consider your A$$ kicked! .....Now get serious and get over it.
Read what cathy said again.
Welcome back, hope we can help. Looking forward to your posts. You have been missed!
Read what cathy said again.
Welcome back, hope we can help. Looking forward to your posts. You have been missed!
I know it is like that other brain always telling us we can do it this time...it takes some a while i guess to learn we can play with any pills or drugs...period..when someone keeps on trying then that means they will get it right cos it obviously matters an awful lot to u..being clean must be a priority in ur life
welcome back giz
welcome back giz
Welcome Gizzy---- the forum is not the same without you!! As you know, no one here is going to throw rocks at you - we are just glad you are back. Well, you know the drill --- you fell off - so lets just get back on and start again. We all learn from our failures and I know you will too. How do we know what to fix if we don't fail at some point? I'm very proud of you for coming back -- I know that took guts. Proud of you man. Tell us how we can help. All the best Gizzy.
well gizzy poor choices is an understatement. you left the forum cuz you wanted to mess up rather than stick around and get support so you wouldnt use.....you know i love you, but you know too i am not gonna say it is alright...cuz it is NOT. but of course you know that.....glad you decided to get back on track, but its not okay to decided every 3 or 4 months to use. how many times have you heard nothing changes if nothing changes???you need to get some aftercare..na meetings or a counsellor....something. i am not gonna say more cuz i have already said it all to you....i love ya still but i am pizzed with you......hb
we have all been there so don't be to hard on yourself you came back and that is the important thing right now as for the girl who can get pills for you get away from her she is an enabler not a good choice for you right now and the guilt? let it go whats done is done and right this very minuet is the start of a whole new world for you stay strong and keep posting it will pull you through
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