Trying to help my husband by dispensing his Percocets - says I am controlling

[wifeluv]

Hi,

Not sure where to turn ? My husband started Percocet for a tennis ankle injury. Now its been more than 6 months.
His Dr lets him take 5 a day. When he picks up the script he takes 10+ the first day. Not for pain but because it make him feel normal, he has energy and can be creative with his music. The last time he went to the Dr. for a follow up and script renewal the Dr. flipped when he told him how many he was taking per day ( 10+) he was running out and breaking down uncontrollably crying. I told the Dr that I would dispense 5 a day to help him get off by weaning down the number per day. Bad decision because I am the bad guy"controlling b*@#$" he says. He always is bargaining and promising why he needs more each day. I have to hide them from him because he looks for them and when he finds them he takes more. I now carry them with me. He punched me in the car today and I have a bruise on my arm. He flipped out tonight because I would not give him 2 more. I broke down the last two nights and gave him two extra because we were at my Moms for Thanksgiving and he knew I did not want a scene. Our son asked me tonight why Daddy is so mad. He said not all Dads are mad why? I told him his body does not feel good and his medicine helps him but he can't take too many each day because he had stomach bypass surgery and it will hurt his stomach. He had the stomach surgery in December 2011 lost 70 lbs but still is not happy. He also has lost his bridge , I now know its due to Percocet use from my research. Sorry for so much I am at my wits end. We have been married 11 years with one child. What to do. He has a Phych appointment 12/6 but told me tonight that I needed to cancel it he is not going???? He went screaming and knocking on walls and things over as he went upstairs locked himself in the bedroom after slamming the door. I think he fell asleep advice please I need it.
Thanks

[rnangel]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are enduring emotional, verbal and physical abuse. It must be very painful to see how pills have transformed your husband. I do indeed think he has a dependency on the percocet and needs to seek help from an addictions counsellor. However, until he acknowledges he has a problem and wants to fix it, this is unlikely to happen.

I understand your willingness to help him by dispensing his pills. But this puts you in the line of fire which is a hurtful and scary place to be. I sense there are some other issues going on with him if he has a psych appointment scheduled. Many people live with chronic mental illness (depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc) with medications and therapy to support their specific needs.

Your husband seems to rely on you alot. Asking you to cancel the appointement. You are his wife and when you place yourself in a paternalistic role the dynamics of your marriage changes. He is acting like a emotional teenager who is acting out at his mother when he doesn't get his way.

He must be accountable and responsible for what he says and does before you even commit to improving your marriage. He is a grown man and cannot behave this way if he wants his wife and child to respect and trust him. If at anytime you feel your safety is at risk please take your child and leave.

Don't get me wrong..I'm sure you love him and have memories of happier times. It's important to honestly tell him how his words and actions make you feel. It would be impossible for you to commit to improving your relationship if he won't commit to improving himself.

I hope this insight helps and I wish you all the best. Peace and Hugs to you and your child.

[ricart70]

I thought as much.Catching him probably won't do a whole lot of good.This problem is just not something one well meaning person can correct.The number he is calling evry day is probably one of the connects though.Percocet usually costs 4 or 5 bucks apiece but if you are getting whole scripts from someone you usually can get a way better price.I know this whole thing is sordid.Believe me i have been there.Please at least check out some local alanon/narconon meeting schedules they are for you.I absolutely hate cliches but you need to be well even if he doesn't want to be.What does his parents say about this?

[ImDONENoMore]

I don't think you need to catch him - trusting your gut here is your safest bet.  You do not want to provoke him at this point - sadly, he has already physically assaulted you so please do not try to call him up on his behavior until you feel safe doing so.  And that would mean bringing in a professional, or another family member you trust (perhaps his Dad?) to confront him about this.  The last thing you want to do is call him up on this while his behavior has been so out of control.  That could easily lead to an altercation and with a child in the house, you can not take that chance.

I agree with vicki - you should not be in the position of doling out those meds.  Yes, he will run out but he won't have you to blame for that.  And from what you're telling us, it does sound like he's getting more meds from other sources.

[wifeluv]

I know everyone is right. If I give him the pills , he WILL run out then I am left to deal with him. His parents know whats going on because I needed support. He was getting some from his Dad now his Dad knows he cant give him any and to hide them when he comes over, sad....I think he has another connection.His phone directory has the name Cowboy, who he says he played tennis doubles with. He calls this 703 -Alexandria number almost every day, sometimes twice. and always for a minute or two. Rare its an incoming call. I called the number and even though its a long distance # it is a wireless # to a local office america. Someone answers with the business name. I can't tell that alot of money is gone. He goes to Starbucks and gets cash back sometimes $50 or $100 for the "weeks expenses " I am not dumb but do not know how much Percocet and quantities would be on the street ??? I have asked him about Cowboy and he says even though I have a "gut" feeling I am wrong. My gut is usually right I just can not catch him. Suggestions....

[ImDONENoMore]

Everyone's right - please seek help from a professional on this - his problem is greater than you realized, and you absolutely need to call his Dr. and tell him what's going on.  You can not do this alone - please find someone you trust who can help you with this.

[vicki595]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It sounds like your husband has a pretty big problem...

First of all, the doctor "lets" him have 5 per day. For what? To keep him quiet??  What is the extent of his injury? Does he need surgery? In other words, how much is the ankle hurting after 6 months?

One thing is clear to me: you cannot be the one to handle his pills. It's not working as it should. We always tell folks to have someone hold their pills and dole them out when needed for pain. People with a history of substance abuse DO require pain meds at times. Usually they're happy for the help from a loved one.

But this is not the case with your husband. In my opinion, give him his pills and let him handle it. It will be MUCH safer for you and will keep the peace until Monday.  Of course, he'll run out of them in no time but it won't be because of you. He'll have to explain it to the doctor.

On Monday, YOU need to call his doctor and let him know that you can't play warden with the pills.  It's apparent your husband has a problem. He can't taper on his own, you can't be in a position to control the pills, and as "ricart" said: his problem is MUCH bigger than anyone realized. The personality changes alone are frightening...and the fact that he PUNCHED you is extremely serious.

Please stay in touch here and please do whatever you can to keep your son and yourself safe.

[ricart70]

Yes you are right to want him to do this at the very least.As bkit said though you want to make sure not to end up in harms way. He is nice when he is on the pills because he is high not normal.Us addicts call high normal alot.The sooner he can get help with this the better.He may even have street connections that you don't know about.I don't mean like the dealer in the street but friends or famiily that have access to these pills.They are literally evrywhere.All of my dealers when I was using were basically"little old ladies".

[wifeluv]

Doc has not cut him off because I promised to dispense but at the time I did not realize the position I put myself in. I am the bad guy when I give him just 5 a day,3 am and 2 pm. When he is on them he is "normal" and happy and a pleasure to be with. He just has to go to the Pschy appointment. I told him I would go with him to the consultation appt. Mainly to make sure he goes and the WHOLE story is told. Am I right for wanting to do this ?

[Bkitty]

~It sounds like he is an addict and that is classic behavior. The thing is he prob is still in that phase that when he takes the pills he gets high and feels like he can do anything,,keep in mind that over time and continued abuse addicts increase the amount of pills they take to be able to get that initial high back and thus begins the merry go round. Until he is willing able to admit that he has a problem,,there is not much you can do. He obviously doesnt feel that he does,,,the anger and crying and lashing out are all symptoms of not getting that high he is soo used and a common side effect from the decrease in pills. He needs to closely look at why he feels he needs them,,depression issues? A lot of times the pills also screw up the dopamine and serotonin and norepinephrine chemical in the brain and can produce depression in an individual that normally had not had an issue. You do need to seek professional help as Rcart said above. You need to stay safe though and if he is becoming violent you need to leave. Keep us posted and I wish you the best~Bkitty

[ricart70]

Hi This is such a sad story.I am sure he will be a way better person if he gets off of these.I was really addicted but live alone so I could only take it out on myself.I would try as hard as you can to get him into rehab.His doc will cut him off soon enough if he continues overusing the meds.Also you should check out alanon.They will give you the tools and you can help him get better and not worse.It is really bad that he actually hit you though.His addiction is probably worse than you even think.Others on here will have more advice but you will really need to get some professional halp with this.