hopeless and thinking this isnt worth it anymore.pls help me.

[chanandalerbong1]

i had been a heavy heroin/ oxy for 5 years. ive been clean a while now actually it will be 2 years on may 6th. i have been doing well because it was get clean and live or die using. i was using at least a bundle of H a day or anywhere from 3-6 oxy 80s a day. shot up when i could but if all else failed i would just blow.(my hands shake severely from a nervous system disorder so it was incredibly hard and frustrating to use a syringe). but anyway, my question is this: after i came out of rehab i physically felt ok, just weak and lethargic, but mentally wrecked. depression, panic attacks, just hopeless. well the physical went away, but the mental is STILL lingering. its ruined my life all over again and now im clean and cant even leave my house because i have a panic attack worrying about having a panic attack! panicking about panic? how stupid right? i lost my job, im down to 100lbs at 5'7". my husband(this is his profile/user name by the way) doesnt know what to do with me anymore. he gets so angry with me and it makes it worse. so getting back to my question, i talked to a recovering opiate addict and they told me this would a year for every month i was using because  its "in my bones" so that would mean i have to do this for another 58 years?! is this true does anyone have any advice or experience? sorry for rambling but i cant talk to anyone about this. my husband, who is also recovering but he is on suboxone, gets angry and doesnt understand i dont want to screw up his recovery... my family doesnt talk to me anymore because all i put them through and none of my friends have experience with it so they say things like "just shake it off"....yea right. been to aa (we dont have na meeting near me just aa) but i rarely go cuz i cant leave my house without having a panic attack. am i hopeless? any advice would help. thank you for reading.  

[j34]

I am feeling for the both of you. Addiction is such a terrible enemy of life! i strongly suggest help for the both of you separately! I found in recovery with a partner that I have to have my own recovery first, first love me, first understand me, without that I am never feeling whole,how can i be of help to anybody else if I don't have it myself? Sending my blessings you and your wifes way.

[philster]

Youre in my prayers.PLEASE keep us posted.

[forthegreatergood]

I feel for your wife.  Many years ago I came off crystal after doing it for 2 years....the hard part wasn't coming off the drug...no physical illness or w/d or anything...you just eat a sandwich and sleep for 5 days and it's over.  Then the mental sets in like a demon...it's terrifying.  I went through almost a year of panic attacks, sleepless nights, feeling hopeless and alone.  I felt like I was truly the only person in the world who felt this way...I started a forum, like this one, for panic attacks and it helped me so much.  Now I battle a opiate addiction that I surely never saw coming...I get prescribed norco and oc's for endometriousis, but this year I have decided will be the last year I ever struggle with an addiction.  I'm getting a hysterectomy....and then tapering and then stopping, then done.  I will pray for you two, let her know I am available to talk about her panic and anxiety and can give her some ideas.  Take Care

[beatingthis]

You both are in my prayers. Please try to stay clean she needs you.

Terry

[philster]

My tag could have been bong 1  when I was your age but I had never heard of a computor. Anyway I am praying for you and I can tell you my prayers are heard by God. So hang on because help is coming. phil

[kim715]

I'm so sorry.You and your wife will be in my prayers.Please keep us posted when you can.We're here for the both of you.You're not responsible for what happened and you have to let go of that guilt,thats not going to help you or your wife and using isn't the answer and you know that.Keep posting.We're here to support you....Kim

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

You and she will both be held in prayer.  I am so sorry for your situation.  But you know about the using part. Not the proper answer at all.  Best of luck and keep us informed with another post ............................ prayers are with you.......

[chanandalerbong1]

thank you to everyone who responded to my wife call for help. my name is mason and my wifes name is kristen. we have battled with addiction for years and both of us are coming up on our two year anniversary. i am on suboxone treatment but she went cold turkey as her use was a lot less than mine and she felt she could do it. neither of us have relapsed and i thought we were both doing well except for my wifes battle with severe anxiety(agorephobia)sp?. and depression. this afternoon my wife attempted to end her life and all though she did not succeed i got her to a hospital just in time and she is now in i.c.u. i know this sounds so selfish but all i want to do is use. i cant live a good life without her. she is my best friend my lover and my rock. she left this site up and i did not know how bad she felt til i read this post..... i feel so resposible for her suicide attempt... i could use any support and if anyone has been in a similar situation...i just feel lost right now. i dont know what to do if she doesnt pull through... she obviously doesnt want to fight... i dont know what to do. pls. help me. keep her in your prayers please. thank you.

-mason.

[Shelwoy]

It sounds like you need medication for a anxiety disorder.I am a recovering addict too, and it was hard for me to admit I needed medication to keep me from freaking out all the time, but I do.I think part of it is genetic, and part of it is from years of drug abuse.It is better to treat the condition than just hope it goes away, trust me!

[worried878]

no way r u rambling...people need to talk...they need support...and ur recovery is just as imp as ur hubbys recovery...u gotta look out for u....it seems as tho u recited the reasons u quit in the first place...that was not a nice place to be/where u were when u quit/going back there after all this time would suk...hold tight and keep posting

[pegatha]

i'm also here to get a reminder of what i've dealt with in the past and don't want to repeat. i understand what you mean about the panic attacks etc. and i do take something for that but i usually run out before the month is over. i've had to go out and take care of business as usual even though i'm struggling inwardly. it is difficult but i'm not going to give up! i do think that recovery takes time but i don't know about a year for every month...maybe it's a month for every year. that sounds more realistic. you are not hopeless...have you ever tried praying? i know that has totally helped me and you don't have to leave your house to do it. Good luck and keep pressing forward...you will reach the other side of this.

[MontanaGurl]

Welcome to the site.  Does your hubby know that you are using his sign in?   Is there anything that you wouldn't want him to see or know?  If so, than maybe set up your own account.  Back to your situation - you are not hopeless and you also can't just shake it off.  Addiction is a disease and with any disease you may or may not have relapses.  It is a life long process to get and stay clean. You are doing the right thing by asking for help.  There are alot of people on this site that can support you and might be going through the same thing or have gone through it already.  
Do you have a doctor or a therapist?  I would suggest using this site and also seekiing medical help.  Like I said, this disease is a life long one and with any diseas you need medical intervention at times.  
My suggestion is to talk to a therapist and maybe even a doctor.  You need to get things off your chest and the more people you have to talk to the better.  Also the doctor maybeable to suggest or even prescribe something to help you.  Kudos for getting clean and staying clean for so long.  You have really been through so much already, don't give up, keep posting it may help more than you think to talk about stuff.

til next time - montanagurl