Trying to get this right.....

[Jebs317]

I haven't been on here for a while.  As you may guess on day 21....I gave in.  I got two prescriptions filled and went right back to where I left off.  I have waited until my insurance accepted my request for a new Primary Care Physician kicks in on April 1st.  My last PCP dropped me due to my lying etc....  I am going to talk to a new doctor tomorrow and for once in a long time, I am going to be honest with someone.  I am scared to death to go tomorrow and tell the truth about myself.  It's hard to accept.  I have always been afraid of disappointing people....especially the wonderful people in MedHelp.  You all got me through detox for 3 weeks....and I am hoping to be able to get some much needed help tomorrow from the doctor and in the months to come with you.  I am so embarassed that I was not strong enough to handle this on my own.  I am also scared of the unknown and don't know what tomorrow will bring.  

[sportbikerguy]

Oh good, someone who likes my rambling!  You know, crying is actually a good thing, it shows you care about yourself and you realize that you want some help.  The feeling of being alone is hard, but you can chat with me anytime you want, or anyone else here for that matter.  I didn't tell my family, didn't tell my friends and as of today, they still don't know.  A lot of people don't understand, especially those who never took these types of pills, so it's easy for them to say "just stop taking them."   Now before I continue, I've been using for a little over 2 years, started with 4-5 pills a day and up until recently, 8 pills a day (10/325 Norco).  I stopped taking three days ago, so I'm not an old-timer at this, but do consider myself pretty smart.

Your post to me sounds like we could be twins, I liked the energy and confidence, but you know from experience where that leads, right?  More lying.  I used the upset stomach "excuse" and even faked a kidney stone to get more Norco.  I went to other doctors to get more pills, and this may sound kind of stupid, but also went to a dentist with tooth pain to get more Norco.  Talk about lying!

You know who is more important to you, your son and your career.  Not some stupid little pills that's going to screw up your life and trust me, it will.

Why is it so easy to go back?  We'll it's pretty convenient for one thing, doctors just prescribe what you tell them what's "hurting".  They don't have the ability to read your mind.  Tell them to make a note in your file that you don't want more (all medical stuff is confidential, unless asked for in a court order).  Talking to a counselor works wonders too.

The best thing to to:  Be Honest With Yourself, you deserve the best, don't you?  You son deserves a great Dad and you deserve a great career that will support both of you. You'll be very proud to watch your kid grow up knowing that you have control over your life --- remember, it's your life ---- take control of it -- you know you can do it.

Honesty is the best policy, stick with it and you'll find yourself in a much better place.

Mark

[sleeplessinwva]

I too am lookign at different ways to stay clean. I get detoxed and in  afew days/months I start back up where I left off. Trying to make changes in my life which is hard. We can do this! I've been thinking about getting honest with my doctor, might be a good start. One thing I'm doing differnetly this time is taking an anti depressant (cymbalta), kinda helps with cravings. i know AD aren't for everyone but i personally needed to try somethign different this time.

[Jebs317]

Hi,
Thank you so much!  I don't mind the rambling....it gave me more time to cry!  I feel like what you said came from a really close friend.   One of my biggest problems right now is that I feel really alone.  I haven't told my family what I'm going through....they went through this with me once before when I went to a 5 day detox in the hospital.  I really can't handle their disappointment right now.  They haven't gone through it, so their attitude towards it is "just stop taking them."  
I definitely have been there with you and lying to the doctor....I've gotten Vicodin and called and said they don't work, so then I got percocet, and would call and say they upset my stomach, so I would end up with vicodin again.  I have gotten really good at lying to them.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I want to spend my time and energy on my son and career....not worrying if I will have enough pills to get me through until I can get more.  
I am so used to the energy and confidence that they give me, I want to find my own source of energy, not getting it from popping pills to get up in the morning and get motivated.  They make me so irritable too.  I just want to feel "normal" again.  Not that I even remember what that is.  I stopped taking them for 21 days.  I started to laugh again, and started feeling excited about the littlest things again.  
It's defiitely true that you can't go back and take a controlled amount.  I am right back to taking over 10 a day.  It's crazy and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about the fact that I got right back under the spell again.
The people on here got me through those 21 days.  The first 4 or 5 were horrible and then it started getting easier.  Why do they have such a hold on us??
How long did you take and how long have you been clean?  I have an interview today for a Curriculum writing team....something to do this summer when I am off.  I don't want to have too much time on my hands.  That scares me.

Take care and thank you again for your advice!!
K

[sportbikerguy]

You're certainly not alone in the lying part, it's an easy thing to do when the chemicals in your body control the "real" you.  If I had a dollar for every time I lied to a doctor I'd be rich.  But just think about it for a moment, where is that REALLY going to get you in the long run?  I always lied about the pain meds not working, other fictitious pains, etc, etc, etc.  Not saying you're doing all that, but that's what I did. Do you really want to go back to the refills?  Do you really want to go back to some small little pills controlling you?  You're better than that.   It is hard.  Coming back to post your story was probably hard, but you did it.   I don't judge you, I won't judge you, we won't judge you. I'm proud of you for coming back to people who DO care.

Believe me when I say this, the Doctors are NOT there to judge you either, be completely honest, tell them you want off these meds and you want it now, be demanding.  Trust me when I say they've been through this many times -- they know what's going on.

Telling the truth can be difficult, I'm a very stubborn person.  I'm a 40 year old guy who cried when talking to the doctor.  But you know what, I feel so much better today it's not even funny.

Some other people here can suggest support systems, and honestly, this site is my support system.

If there is one thing I must suggest to you:  Be honest with the doctor.   You're much better off than addictive pills that control your life. You deserve better than a life full of lies.

Keep us updated please, we're here to talk.  It's all anonymous and we're not here to judge you.  Posting here really does help.

Mark

(p.s.)  I love to ramble on, so please forgive the long post.  I do care though, seriously.