Big Wave of Depression

[msdelight]

And major wish for return to dirty life : (
Does anyone else have this problem?
On the evil pills I am the sweetest nicest ms delight who everyone loves and gets along with. However it seems that off of them I can be difficult to communicate with, some might say bitchy. I still have the same good heart but people just don't see it. I had forgotten that this is how it always was before the
drugs. I am so used to people liking me. What was I doing differently on them?

[clean_in_ks]

Just keep hangin on.....calling your dealer is NOT an option.  Cutting off every single possible source no matter what you have to do... will quiet your head a lot.  If you know you have a way to still get them.....well....you know the rest of that story.
Are you confiding in anybody about your addiction?  Getting any type of aftercare at all?
Here's a FABULOUS article in our Health Pages here on MedHelp that every addict ought to read.  It saved me.....it helped me immensely to read what I was living thru and experiencing was for specific reasons.  Especially the part about "emotion overreactions"....being the Big B....all the raw emotion no longer dulled and numbed out by drugs really wacked me out.

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/PAWS-part-1/show/39?cid=66

And Kbusymom.....the VERY FIRST change my hubby saw in me...was my facial changes....no more "hang dog"....zoned out eyes.....people see WAY more than we want to admit....cause afterall, we're under the influence and our perceptions are seriously distorted.

[Kbusymom]

Thank you so much for this post.  It's amazing how we see ourselves and what other people perceive.  I thought I was doing a good job of hiding my addiction from people and that noone knew, but they did.
Pills had the complete opposite effect on me in the end; they definitely turned on me.  I felt warm, fuzzy, and floaty on the inside (so addicted to the floaty, nod feelings)  but I also became incredibly paranoid, insecure, impatient, and mean. I withdrew from everyone and was really isolating- my coworkers, friends and boyfriend noticed and not in a good way.
My boyfriend thought I got clean in March and once I told him the new truth, he said he noticed a huge change in just my facial expressions since I've stopped taking the pills.  Who would have thought facial expressions would be the biggest thing he noticed?  
Sorry for rambling; hang in there.  I know my next assignment is to learn all about PAWS.  Sending hugs and prayers to all.

[msdelight]

Oh spider thank you ao much! I have been thinking about calling my dealer all day. This PAWS REALLY S+CKS!! I don't even know who I am anymore. I was thinking maybe the difference is that when I was high I probably didn't notice or care what people thought about me. IDK I'm like a fish out of water. I did identify 3 triggers yesterday that may have started this.  Anyway last night on the radio Elton said "I'm a ***** I'm a ***** Oh the ***** is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact " Yikes I think I need a psychiatrist!  I love you too honey. Glad you're feeling a little better and hugs right back to you! XXX OOO

[spider6]

If it's any consolation, the "really fun, peepy, hilarious, giving" person you are on the pills can and will only last so long. Believe me, it gets uglier and uglier.  Then you're on the "chase" looking for that pill that used to give you the fun, peppy, hilarious, giving personality that you thought you used to have.  Of course it never comes now and you are getting more and more tired, frantic  and used up over the constant search.  It's all you can do to just get feeling "level" at this point.....so what was the point again?

I promise when the pills are gone and you've leveled out in real life, you will be the funny, happy, energetic  and the giving person that you think you used to be only now it will be organic and authentic and most of all, really really awesome and feeling right.  

I don't think we were actually doing anything different on the pills, I just think it was all an illusion and if we could actually see ourselves being played back in those scenarios we would probably see that we weren't all that together really anyway; we just thought we were.

.....besides.....HOW COULD PEOPLE NOT LIKE YOU....
......you is awesome says me and about a million others like me! lol
huggin it out....xo

[brandiroars386]

I have had people at work say to me "wow your not as fun as you used to be"...totally *****, but then I have to think some of those people only new me on pills.  The ones that have seen the before, during and now know I can be fun anyway, and they no nothing about the pills.

[ROSYouralright]

It takes awhile to even out! Even at 91 days I am just getting started!

[tooter212]

I know what you mean about being bitchy, I was also very sweet and nice before and on the meds. Now I have a flash of anger ever so often. It's getting better though. Hope to be back to myself again soon. I also can feel others pain now, it got to where I couldn't on the meds. So my soft heart IS returning. I'm much more real now. Just be glad when I get rid of these flashes of anger. God Can and Will deliver us from this!! God Bless

[mommymarieme]

Hey honey I am definitely with you on this but we have to give it time! a life on pills is really no life at all. I have been doing the same thinking but then I snap out of it because I remember how bad life was on them. Lately it has been very difficult for me but we have to keep the faith and believe in the ones before us who say it will get better :)

[msdelight]

End of day 45

[Whollymolythathurt]

Understand where your coming from totally!  I'm not really bitchy since i've been off (6 days) but the energy & "niceness" is gone...but slowly coming around.  I hurt all the time so on the pills i could get stuff done fast & multitask like crazy.  The first few days off it was all i could do to get out of bed.  

I went CT and some like to taper...to each their own and whatever works.  You have taken the right steps both of you but keep up the fight.

This site is great so keep checking in.  You soon realize you are far from alone.

[IBKleen]

How long have you been clean?

[living_a_lie]

I understand. I have been married 7 years, and on pills for almost 9. I just started tapering off yesterday, and had a rough night last night, on only 2 less a day. I am the same way. People think that I am the happiest, funnest, most loving individual (wife & friend) that most people could have. (I get told this all the time). I am worried that once off the pills, that nobody will like me anymore, not even my husband...