why?

[The_Problem]

Wow. I am still kicking? I am still even more a loser piece of ****. Plus I'm up to like 22 pills a day now. I went threw 450 this month. I made like 2 friends about 6 months ago and cut them out of my life and they would tell me how cool I am and that i'm so not a piece of **** and I just can't never see what other ppl see. I will always be this.
I cut them out of my life becaues I'm better off alone and they would of enventually hated me so i just made them get sick of me so I thought. Well like 2 weeks ago they found me and started talkin to me again and I had fun and was tellin jokes and I was enjoying myself. only to realize this was temperary and after starting to trust them as friends I told them they hate me and eventually they got sick of me because of me. they said that I will never be happy because I dont wanna be happy. but its more like i'll never be happy because happiness always ends in sorrow.  so i pushed them out. now its like starting over being alone. :(. So now I have decided to NEVAR talk to anybody smile at anybody start a conversation or finish a conversation. I can't have friends anymore.  I am dead inside therefor till i'm really dead my heart is dead. I will become my complete oppisite of me. I will NOT care. I already dont care about myself all my life. so how hard will it be to not care about the world huh?
ALL OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN I CAN EVER EVEN IMAGINE BEING!!!! ALL OF YOU I ADMIRE. I can nevar have the will power you guys got, or the confidence or the selfesteem to get better. I just patiently wait for me to die.

[10356]

I had the same problem when I quit.. I have been a rug addict for 4 decades.. I just did not see me as getting clean not till I od'd and just about lost all my memories.. That was truly more frighting then the prospect of traveling that road.. my self-esteem was shot. actually it was never there to begin with not since I was a child.. seeing a shrink helped to clear up the mess of my childhood.. I had no idea what to do with myself I felt odd outdoors with nothing to do I felt odd everywhere I went.. I was going through profiles and ran across BurrPatches~ and he had up the most Beautiful Pictures of where he lived camping and what not and I thought geez I want to try that so I took up photography.. My hobbies were always getting wasted now that I have a positive hobby it really changed things up for me. I look forward to getting out with my camera and capturing the Beauty of life of this world It gets me out of my head and helps to release the anxiety I felt.. my dogs have benefited for in my addictions I had closed myself in my home and became a hermit. my husband is happier I'm happier It is strange how taking and changing one aspect of your life leads us to change another and so on. You have to start somewhere and you are here so this is Good :) I really pray you let Hope in and let it dwell in your heart for it is in all of us to break free.  lesa

[The_Problem]

I <3 you all!

Even if it's possible to quit. I got to start all over. these addictions cravings are always there for the rest of my life. I see a pill my first thought is, well, you all know. I will never have you're guy's will power. as soon as I remember that feeling I"m sucked right back into pill after pill.  No. for me quitting is just a first step of a super long road ahead. its like a super highway of infinity that I dont even got a vehicle for, I gotta heal toe it. its all bendy and windy so I can't see whats coming up ahead of me. I will try this "Before you just give up. Try looking through your eyes. Not opiate eyes" says throwindatowel. after I started taking these pills I stopped cutting myself. so I'm scared that once I stop I might start cutting again. as hard as it is. quitting is the easy part. its wtf do I do after? I got no self esteem in myself no confidence in anything I do, at the jobs I get when I get them I am so out of place feeling so unwanted like I dont belong constantly thinkin omg 7 hours left omg 6 hours left ...ok if i do this n that then that should leave 5 hours left...but I take a few pills and 40mins later I got the confidence like I am the best person in the world. I care about other ppl around me I am more alert I got self esteem and time just flys right threw the day ends. and after thinking this far ahead...its like do I really wanna quit...i wont lie. after all this i just still want to die. just too scared of whats going to happen after.
the impossible is possible for most. but remains impossible for me.
[]Deace

<3

[atthebeach]

the way you are feeling now is the drugs talking. they have poisoned your body and your mind. they have control over you. as long as you have breath, there is still hope. you can hope and trust in God. ask Him to give to a hope and a future. believe me He will.just cry out to Him and He will hear you. then  find any church and talk to the pastor. God is able to help you. if you don't have a job right now why don't you go to a rehab? you will get help from the counselors there and you will find friends. i will pray for you/
blessings to you,
debbie

[laurel453]

it is never late to start fighting our fears. I really think so. letting our fears rule our life is a total torture.

[dominosarah]

I am so glad you didnt give up too~~~~sara

[eyeofhorus2010]

Man, I remember at the height of my addiction thinking that I was the exception to the rule, I was doing so many pills that I thought I had locked myself in to being an addict for the rest of my life. Which at the rate I was using it wasn't going to be a long life at all.

You just need to look inward and find the strength that you know is there. Don't get so down on yourself that you give up. That's just not acceptable. Addiction doesn't have to win. Read and post here every chance you get for at least a week and you'll see that you're no different than the rest of us. Most of us have been where you're at. You just have to find that one sliver of hope still alive inside you and try to feed that small amount of hope until it grows into believing you can do this.
The only one doubting that you can is you. I used to think that those that quit and stayed clean were somehow a special breed of person and I just didn't have what they had.  Well, I'm 70 something days clean now and life feels so much better now. I used to be just like you, outwardly I was ok, but inside I was in pure misery.

Build on the fact that you came here to air out what's on you mind and keep adding to that. Just try, you owe yourself that much.

[10356]

I'm sorry you feel this was Problem.. You know the saying it is never too late is true, with support compassion and a willingness on your part much can be turned around.. I hope and pray for you that you take a risk on loving yourself enough to give yourself a chance at life.. it can be good and fulfilling..  lesa

[pillfree21]

I think there is still some fight left in you as evidenced by the fact you took the time to at least make 2 posts...I thing I have learned in life is that things can always get worse, so I have to find someway to tie a knot in my rope when I at the end and hang on.  You seem to have a lot to offer in life, just keep up the fight.

[Gpison]

Is that really what you think and feel? Cmon...you can stop this cycle. It's a few days out of the rest of your life. I promise you that it gets better. You just have to start.

I can tell that you want it, you wouldn't be here if something inside you didn't want to get clean.

All you have to do is talk to us. I'm not asking you to stop using today, im just asking you to talk with everyone here.

[The_Problem]

thanx guys you guys are good. great even.

me?...naw not even close. I don't got hope like everybody else does. Its all too late for me. period.

[dominosarah]

I'm glad to see you back.  I wish you would get ahold of those 2 friends and let them back in.  They arent there to hurt you just like we arent.  Are you working now?

[Kelseago]

Oh my, i've been where you are. I even had many suicide attempts. You're never alone, whether you think so or not. I felt alone a lot but there was always somebody caring, worried, hurt by, loving me. You just gitta make yourself trust people, heck trust and love yourself. And you're not alone if you're here. I've learned this first hand. This place is amazing. Stick around!

[carson1975]

Hey doll u sound very sad and lost I can relate!! Not all of us here are strong that is why we all need and lean on each other! Don't be to hard on your self