AA is not for me, but what else is out there?

[Owen919]

So.  Tried AA and it is just not for me.  Truly.  I respect it, and I respect that it has worked for gazillions of folks, but honestly, the meetings I've been to... well, the 'success' stories made me want to give up completely... I really mean no offense to anyone, maybe it was just the meetings I went to, but the people there seemed to me to have just traded one addiction for another, and I don't want that... at least I don't want my 'healthy' addiction to be to AA... that creeps me out.  

I am trying to rejoin the living.  I am tired of my own "stuff" (meaning my own b-s) and I am willing to accept and am looking for help.  But AA isn't it for me.  

I found this site after hours of web searches, and it looks like there are others posting who also did not find AA helpful, so here I am... anyone have suggestions?  

oh... I would truly do an inpatient program but I have no insurance, no job, and no money (yup, drank myself away from all of that).  Thankfully still have my home and an internet connection.

I just need ... i don't know anymore... suggestions or even just encouragement.

I'm determined to kick this, and if this forum doesn't help I'll keep looking and trying cuz I know and I finally accept and truly know that I *have* to keep trying and looking and doing anything other than grabbing a bottle of scotch, a bottle of wine, etc etc etc...  heh, maybe not drinking is my new addiction... but that's still not living, you know?  or is it?  

ok... anyone have advice?

Owen

[ibizan]

did u read my post 5-4 under Lotsatrouts I couldn't stay sober on my own and still can't?if AA is totally verboten 4 u.then u must have a sober support system...do u have a wife?kids?ur county of residence has outpatient facilities that get state funding to help those with no insurance....i've worked for one for 23 years.Also clean/sober 24 years....if u want sobriety bad enuf..u will work for it..i was told and its true...put the effort in2 not drinking that u invested going 2 get alcohol,wasting $$,getting drunk,having hangovers/blackouts etc.....doing stupid things and repeating this ad nauseum..no pun intended....being addicted to not drinking could/is b a good thing!:)

[TJack]

I am sorry to read of your experience with AA.  I think it is really going to help me get through this.  Tuesday, i am taking the step to ask for a sponsor.  Maybe i have been telling myself that i don't really have to commit as long as i don't have a sponsor, i don't know.   You know that old fear of disappointing yet another person.  The advice ibizan just gave you is right on.  She is really wise on all of this.  Keep posting and coming here and reading, it does help and the people on here are very encouraging.  I hope we make it, you and me both. and everyone else trying to.  tj

[Owen919]

no wife, no kids, no partner, and at this very moment in my life i am actually thankful for that. this is my deal and I am thankful at least that no one else is significantly impacted by my own s***... well... I think you get what I mean.

yeah.
well, here goes... I am at that point of beating myself up with (I think) finally self-honesty that I will admit this:  I am a drunk.  But though I "get" the benefit of surrounding myself with ex-drunks, I'm still at a place that I do not want to be.  No, that's not true exactly...

I don't want to be the "once" successful person who ended up in the county rehab.  There.  I said it.  But I'm still looking for any other alternative.  And I know how stupid and spiteful and truly, truly, truly, ridiculous that is given that I really DO want to kick this and rejoin my life... well... 'my' life meaning sober and...  I guess I can not even truly imagine that anymore, what that would be...

thank you.  yeah.  I need to go to the public health clinic and just suck it up and get over myself.  I do.  I know I do.

so many excuses... 'who will feed the dog the way the dog needs to be fed?"  ... yeah, like no one else can feed a dog.  etc etc etc  .  

I'm just scared.  and finally not instantly grabbing a 'beverage' whenever I 'feel' *anything* I am just really feeling all of it, everything, and I so don't want to.  But I have to.  I'm so over myself and this stupid habit... this addiction, my alcoholism.  

Someone, anyone, just tell me not to go get a drink.  Seriously.  

No... sorry... my b-s is not anyone else's responsibility, it's mine.  

Well, still, a gazillion posts saying "Owen, just don't drink alcohol," would truly be helpful.     Yeah, I'm feeling just a little needy right now

[Owen919]

thank you.
I need all the support and encouragement I can possibly get.
And I can barely believe that I just wrote that.  
I have always been the supporter, the 'go-to' person, the provider for my siblings and their families and ... whatever...  in my own way this is my moment where I stand up for myself, but it is TO myself and that feels so ... stupid.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not... I guess I'm finally actually feeling my feelings?!  I don't like it!

I can do this.  But

I need support.  I do.  Just ... anything...

ok.  my new personal motto will be an anti-Nike slogan... "Just do NOT do it!"

wow.  ok... I'm gonna go walk my dog and try to remember the name of every type of tree that he pees on, and try to enjoy the remaining sunlight of this day.  yes.

seriously, thank you for your message.  I am struggling but finally serious this time and you taking the time to reply to my post is truly appreciated.

[TJack]

I too am struggling.  On a daily basis!  I failed yesterday.  Don't know why my husband puts up with me, what a rock he is.    You write as if you could be an author. gee, just to be able to express oneself like you do.  Quite a gift.  Do you ever feel worthless?  I do.  Today is one of those days.  I like the JUST DO NOT do it.  Well, don't do it Owen!
I tell myself that daily.  I try to draw from my faith in God on a daily basis.  I know he has not given up on me.  Hang in there.  TJ

[ibizan]

"Don't want to be the once successful person who ended up in rehab"....i was in inpatient with a dentist,lawyer,architect.biker,morphine dealer and skid row patty......Alcoholism/addiction is a EEO!and there i sat ms.masters degree who felt like ****......i went to meetings with a municipal court judge,a thoracic surgeon,business owners...such diversity in those rooms.....the first NA lead i heard was from a surgical nurse who lost her license cuz she was busted stealing/shooting up morphine with a bunch of other junkie nurses in a well known leading hospital in the country i won't name!I have worked with impaired nurses,pharmacists,respiratory therapists....ppl from all occupations of life!even a lay priest who sadly refuses to give up his booze!we have a problem....we think we're terminally unique...we aren't.....we really aren't.......so 4 ur own sanity don't drink for the next hour,then the next one after that,then that next one and then the one after.........:))))

[Jacker]

This may sound simplistic, but get involved in some type of group that includes non-drinkers. It may be a church and it may be a health concious group that participates in a physical activity or sport (fitness nuts keep a lid on the drinking as they get older).  
Hang out with these people and learn to build a life of relationships with people who don't drink.  It wasn't until I sobered up, that I realized most people don't get drunk every night (or even every weekend).  
That's my only 2 cents for right now.  I haven't been to aa either, but I have a lot of respect them.  If I screw up, I'm going to consider going though.
Besides, look at this - it's friday night and I'm talking on this website.  I guess that's one of my new addictions.    

[ibizan]

gre8t advice Jacker.....diverting our minds with other activities is necessary and good...and since we're dog lovers here....Owen u keep walkin da dog!good for him and u.......dog is GOD spelled backwards!i have been in2 retired greyhounds since 93.....they r my passion/my breed.Such awesome wondrous creatures!Recently lost my 10 year old male to a rare autoimmune disorder we battled for 2 years and i felt like someone cut out my heart with a dull knife.I had a lonely gal grey me 2 and 3 wacky kitties who missed him..so enter 2 yr.old Keota!he's making us young again and mending our broken hearts......caring for an animal helps 2 lower blood pressure/decrease anxiety.....and refocus the brain on2 one who needs us....it is good medicine for us!when i was 7 mos.sober i took in a abused 7 mos.old siamese cat.I called her my sobriety kitty!she was with me for 14 years.....she was a loving companion after she learned i was going to hurt her.so what kind of dog Owen?how old?any other animal companions?

[ibizan]

had a typpo....meant EOE...alcoholism/addiction is an equal opportunity employer!

[Jacker]

back to the activity thing, you can join dog training clubs (even with a mixed breed) and train your dog for titles (CD - Companion Dog, CDX, etc).  My wife is nuts about that stuff.  At this stage, I just like to hang out with my border collie and take him for long walks (or watch him worry the horses, snap at bees, and chase water coming out of a hose).  

[misslja]

I knew AA wasn't for me years ago.  I drank and drank for 12 years.  I went to a few meetings but knew this wasn't going to be the savior I needed.  I quit one day almost 21 years ago.  I guess you could say I had enough, I wanted to live a life without alcohol, I wanted to finish school and I didn't want to have one more damn hangover ---EVER AGAIN!  I haven't had a drink in years...and you know what Owen?  I don't miss it a bit.  

Everyone is different.  AA is a great organization but it's not for everyone.  Make the decision to quit.......then just do it.  Why can't it be just that easy?  Well, it can......

Linda Joy Allan

[working dog]

i didn't do the aa thing...nothing in fact...no drugs or any help...no religion...just did it...looking back i would have gotten help through the bad withdrawal time...like some librum osr something...i will say this forum has been nice to listen to others out there...billy

[Owen919]

yeah, EOE, despite mis-spellings, I got it.  I did.  
And I truly get your point about all walks of life and all professions and all of us... but though I truly am now far, far, away from the point where I could call myself "a success"... meaning having a professional career, supporting my siblings and their families, that place in my life... of having been a 'success' a 'provider' is the last thing I have to cling to, even though I know it is not true now.  ah, another excuse, I guess.

[Owen919]

thank you... it's nice to hear from someone that I can still write... once was an editor amongst other things...  having a scotch with the boys was what we did when we had a 'success'  or finished an assignment, or s***, just at the end of the day... only I didn't stop.  yeah, obviously.

And thank you again for being the one to say it, to tell me "Just Do Not Do It".  I can't tell you how much and how often I need to hear that, to have that reinforced.  I don't know why, maybe it is my last bit of controlling but whatever, that is what I have latched on to and I need to hear it from outside my head.  

Peace to you and your family.  All that will be will be, but we do have choice and the ability to change our behaviors, right?  ugh...  

[Owen919]

>>Why can't it be just that easy?  Well, it can......

How?  How can it be that easy?  I mean, I get what you're saying, I think, but... for me, this is really, really hard.  Great for you that you just decided to quit and did... so, I guess I'm just weak and not strong enough... but no, dammit, I am strong, I NEED to be strong and though it goes against everything I have been to this point, I am asking for help and encouragement because this is HARD.  

I am trying to believe in myself that I am being even more strong by actually asking for help and support, and that really goes against everything I have ever been told or believe about myself.

[Owen919]

You are right.  I'm not a 'joiner' but... well, here I am, so...
I've tried the self-fitness routine with some success, but, again, well... here I am.  Still a drunk.

Determined not to have another alcoholic drink, but struggling, and so I guess I'm already "joining" just by typing typing typing and truly it's more than that... I really am surprised that so many people have replied and it is helpful, truly deeply helpful... and using my hands to type means I'm occupied and focused and not doing anything else... not drinking.  Not drinking.  Just Do Not Do It, Owen.  

[Owen919]

>>she was a loving companion after she learned i was going to hurt her

oh.. I'm assuming the word "NOT" was supposed to be there.

ANyway.
My bud is now 15 years old, a Bassett and Springer Spaniel mix... he's chunky with short legs, long hair, but on a good day he still can run like the wind.... just not for long.  But, he's been the only constant in my life for 15 years... and anything else I can think to type is just too morbid... I can't go there

Just do NOT do it, Owen.  No alcohol.

[Jacker]

Fear was the initial catalyst that stopped me.  The activites and other things have helped keep me sober since, but it started with fear when I started experiancing health symptoms related to drinking.  I may be self destructive, but I really don't want to die this way.  After months of wondering, I finally got the courage to get myself checked out.  The results wern't nearly as bad as they could have been but I'm still dealing with some issues.  

[ibizan]

yeegads i meant NOT going 2 hurt her!One thing the research doesn't track is those who have stayed sober/clean minus 12 step.....and i know MANY others have done it a variety of ways.Different things work for different ppl.......all must find their way and the cool thing about this forum is ppl posting what has/has not worked for them!Take what u can use..leave the rest..and create ur own!15 years is a good long dogs life....cool mix......Owen u owe it 2 urself to stop abusing ur body mind and soul with alcohol!

[green eyed lady]

Hi Owen...I think it takes MORE courage to stand up and ask for help!

OWEN...DO NOT DRINK!  DRINKING SUCKS!  JUST DON'T DO IT!  

NO MORE DRINKING OWEN!!  DRINKING IS THE DEVIL!!

Good luck to you...you can do this!

[Owen919]

Thank You.

Seriously... thank you.

I really don't know why, but I was not kidding, joking, or making some last-ditch effort at controlling others (or maybe I was?)  but whatever, for whatever reason, I really just needed to 'hear' someone to tell me to just NOT do it...

and you did.   AND... I didn't.

Thank you.  

I'm gonna take some Benedryl and go to bed now... no alcohol... none for over a week now (been going without for a few days at a time and then drinking again for months and hating myself for it)  

SO.  Here it is.  Is anyone willing to send me an email every day for the next... um... I don't know how long this will be... but I'm focused on this idea... an email that really just says... "Owen, do NOT do it.  Do NOT drink alcohol today."

[Owen919]

still awake

still have not had an alcoholic beverage... but still awake

took a dose of Benedryl 4 hours ago... itchy stuff has gone away, mostly, but I'm still not asleep and THIS is my 'bad' time...  tempted to grab my roommate's cough syrup and down it...  

no.  no.  

Owen, just do NOT do it.  Seriously.

really people, just tell me.. somweone, anyone... just write back and tell me NOT to do it.. "Owen, do NOT drink alcohol"  

and if you have any other suggestions about how to get through this, let me know.

[Jacker]

Well Owen, I just got up, but DON'T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL TODAY - DON'T DO IT!  IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE REALLY SORRY AFTERWARDS AND YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP ALL OF THIS LOST GROUND.
I hope that helped.  Sorry about your sleepless night, but it happens to a lot of people who are getting sober.  Your sleep patterns will return - try getting some exercise - it'll take the edge off and help you sleep tonight.  
Cool dog on your profile

[ibizan]

benadryl is bad habit 2 get in2 for sleep...u doing a lot of caffeine and sugary foods?that will cause insomnia in addition to the sucky normal insomnia of early sobriety!i was told in inpatient in 1983 by a recovering nurse to not drink even if my butt fell off....and the only way that would happen would b by surgical removal SOOOOOO no drinking even if ur butt falls off!get out of ur self obsession today...take the dog for a walk,do a new activity,get around other ppl...go to Barnes and Nobles or borders and hang out......anything but that damn demon alcohol!