Al Anon and my situation... Anyone been here?

[tatorbug40]

Hi.  Well, I am a regular on Med Help over in maternal and child for a few years now.  Just recently I have decided to stop living in denial and start getting me help.  I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and lived through some rough years when I was younger.  I then grew up, I am a successful architect and mother of 2 beautiful children, and feel I am overall a well adjusted person-  but I met my husband 9 years ago, and married him almost 4 years ago now-  and he is an alcoholic.  I was 25 when I met him, and free spirited, liked to go out,  but I have never been a big drinker,  I'll have a glass of wine a night, but I don't like to "feel" drunk, or even tipsy,  so I just don't really drink much,  but I'd go out and have a good time with him and our friends-  then we started a family, work, mortgage, big life changes....  and we didn't go out as much,  but his drinking didn't decrease-  it really increased over the years.  He drinks a pint of rum ON his drive him from work every night, and then continues to drink once he gets home- this habit started almost 3 years ago now.  I have talked to him a few times, but he doesn't think he has a problem.  Lately he just seems so unhappy around me unless he is drinking.  We had a horrible family trip over Christmas, and I decided then that I needed to stop worrying about him, trying to make him happy all the time, when it just didn't work, and start to focus on me.  So I saw a therapist, who recommended Al Anon, and I attended my first meeting last night.  I didn't talk, just listened, and cried...  but boy, did I feel right at home there.  It felt so good to not feel so alone any more- I highly recommend attending a meeting, if you are living with or love an alcoholic.  I feel so hopeful that soon I will be well again- and I can only pray that soon my husband can find the peace he needs to find some help for him self...  

Heres the thing...  I haven't told him I am attending these meetings yet...  I have started to emotionally withdraw from our marriage, we have 2 little kids, and I love him enough that I want him to get well, but I don't want him to do it for me...  the therapist I saw said to set boundaries, and tell him that if he doesn't get sober or get started on the road in -- 6 months -- then I was going to leave.  But I am not sure how I feel anymore,  I've made myself so numb, that I am not sure even if he gets help, that I want to stay-  so I don't want to tell him that he needs to get help and I'll stay, because what if he gets help, and I still don't want to stay with him?  How do I even start to talk to him about all of this?  He has to feel me pulling back, but we don't talk about it- probably both afraid at this point to talk about it because we both know it might not end with us together.  There is a lot missing in our marriage right now...  and I don't know how to even start to face it...  so I feel good that I am working on me now, and that is where my focus is,  but at some point I have to face our marriage, and I am so afraid to....  has anyone else been here?

I have just been trying so hard over the past 5 years to make him happy-  trying to help him find new jobs, trying to do everything in my power to make his life easier, focused totally on him, and he just keeps getting more and more unhappy it seems, and I have just become so accustom to living this way, and pretending to be happy, and I afraid to tell him that I am really not happy, and I might have let it go to long before I realized this....  I feel hopeful that I've started this path, but so very scared at where it is going to take me.

[tatorbug40]

thank you.  he texted me yesterday and I went to the hotel, he said he didn't know where to start, but that he can't stand the thought of losing me, and he just needs help finding a place to start-  so we worked on that yesterday afternoon, and he told me his is committed to do what it takes to save our marriage.  I hope he means it.  I know this won't be an easy road, but talking with you guys and Al Anon has really helped me to be stronger and understand better.  Thank you.

[Tab57]

Congratulations for reaching the point where you won't allow your husband's problems to ruin you or your family's life. In the past by focusing on trying to make your husband happy all you were doing was enabling his addictive behavior.

Keep moving along and someday your husband will realize that he must make a choice between keeping you or continuing his addictive bahavior. An addict must hit bottom before they are ready to begin a recovery effort.

[boogieman]

Howdy. I know it took a lot to level with him, but it was an important step to take, and you have essentially left any positive outcome for him up to him. Keep going to alanon as it will give you strength and help you stand your ground. You will get through this even though at times it doesn't seem like it. In time you will see that you made the right decision by addressing this-he may not be happy, but that doesn't mean you can't be-take care, GM

[tatorbug40]

my husband and I had a talk-  he went through a lot of emotions, and said he loved me, but feels overwhelmed by all that I told him-  it was really hard to set the boundries I did, and I know that he feels hurt right now, and I know he feels alone...  he went and stayed in a hotel last night-  he says he doesn't feel motivated to change his problems, but he doesn't want to lose me either.  I am just giving him time and space.  this weekend was the hardest weekend i've ever had.  

[tatorbug40]

Ray,  his family has been aware of his drinking since before I was in the picture...  which I didn't know about until recently-  he and I have been together for 9 years, but the drinking has gotten worse over the past 3 really.  His sister use to tell me that I need to go to Al Anon, but I'd always get offended and defend him, and think she just didn't want us to be together and happy-  I would get upset with her for "butting in"...  but over Christmas I hit my breaking point and I talked to her about it,  she wanted her mom to know that I was going to Al Anon, because she is worried about him too- everyone can see it...  I have just been in denial thinking it would get better on its own.  Last week was my first Al Anon meeting and his sister, mom and our niece came with me-  I don't think they will go back,  they felt like they were there just for me, and that is fine...  I am going to go back-  and they are leaving it up to me on when and how to talk to my husband.  There is never going to be a good time,  so I am thinking I might try to find the time tonight, and just pray all day for the strength, guidence, and peace to know I am doing the right thing, even if it doesn't go well.  I am very scared and nervous, and I hope I can keep the strength to do it-  he has been a little happier this week,  and it makes me think, "oh maybe things are getting better, maybe we can rekindle something"...  but we have been down this path about a thousand times,  I need to just talk to him.  

Thank you all for your encouraging words,  I'll let you know how my conversation goes.

[rod44]

Hi, are his family aware of his drinking. Sometimes it helps if others express their concern as well. Talk with them if you feel it would help.
If you set  boundaries then you must stick to them or it is unlikely to work, remember we as alcoholics are powerless over alcohol so it will come before everything and everyone..

Be strong and keep us posted

Ray

[tatorbug40]

thank you.  that is very helpful.  I am going to share with him this coming week how I have been feeling and that I am seeking help for myself.  I don't think I am going to ask him to do anything,  but I hope that perhaps he wants to do it on his own.  I am going to tell him that as of right now I am not sure I want to be in this marriage, but I am willing to give him time and our marriage time to see what happens.  Thank you again.

[boogieman]

-continued-
And the long term survival of it will be determined by his actions at the very least, though it may require even more to repair the damage done, and it may not even be salvageable but if he doesn't change, there will be no chance at all. No matter what, you can get through this if you continue to reach out and focus on yourself. Hope this is helpful and take care-GM-

[boogieman]

Hi
there. Its good to hear you are taking advantage of your available resources to help yourself. It definitely sounds like he's got a problem, and additionally he is endangering others by drinking and driving. I agree that you should set boundaries-let him know that for you and your children's well being, you will not continue to be subjected to the life that his drinking is negatively affecting. Though it would be better for him to seek help for himself, it may be beneficial for him to be introduced to recovery no matter what the motivation, as many have done so initially for their family, health, or the courts and have taken hold of its principles in time. Another suggestion is to involve him in your therapy- often the input of a third party will have more of an effect than that of someone involved in the situation. No matter what, continue to see your therapist and go to alanon-and I wouldn't be concerned about keeping this stuff secret-it may motivate him to take an honest look at the situation. And as far as your marriage goes, only time will tell. A lot can happen in 6 months, and its unwise to base the future on the present-but you can make it clear that you are unhappy and your relationship is on shaky ground