Alcoholic/Addict

[Up_N_Down]

Hey all, I'm 23yrs old and new to this site and I've been drinking daily for the past 5 years. Not always quite this bad, but for the last few years I've had half a 40oz bottle of whisky a night or more. I also take oxys with the booze when I have them. I pretty much take anything I can find but alcohol is my biggest problem as I have withdrawls without it.

Things have gotten worse lately as it has become hard to function at work, or with family, ect. I used to be a top athlete in highschool and didn't start drinking or doing drugs untill I was 17 and then everything else didn't matter anymore since it seemed to solve all my problems. I recently let my family know what has been going on against my better judgement, since I managed to hide it very well over the years. I knew they wouldn't take it well and they havn't been sleeping much and held an intervention for me, but I still just can't give it up!

Just wondering who else is in the same boat. I'd appreciate some input on how to beat this! I don't know if I have it in me and I don't want to stop. I'm losing hope to fight this! I know everyone says the first step is to admitt it, and I'm able to as it's obvious even to myself that I'm out of control. But I wake up with the hangover thinking I'll change but once I get home from work the only thing I can think of is a drink right away.

[rod44]

If you truly want to stop there is a way. You need a treatment program such as rehab or/and AA. This is a progressive disease and will get much worse. You need to be detoxed under the supervision of a Doctor. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, admitting that you need help and accepting this help is just as important.
Recovery is about changing the way we think around drink...
start by talking honestly with your family doctor, if you are on pain meds and are taking them with drink you are putting your life at risk....

Ray

[dominosarah]

You are dancing with the devil if you are mixing oxy's and whiskey.  I know cuz i did the same thing.  You say your losing hope to fight this and you dont want to stop.  What have you really done to try and stop?  You have to get totally honest with yourself first and foremost.  You cant do this alone.  I would really check into some sort of aftercare whether it be in patient or out patient rehab and AA/NA.  You are battling 2 demons here as you are popping any pills you can get your hands on.  That in itself will take you to the depths of he!! and suck the life right out of you.  You dont have to live like this anymore, there is hope but you have to be the one to reach out........sara

[Up_N_Down]

Thanks for the replies...I know that taking pills with alcohol is dangerous and its kinda scary but I try not to think of it. To answer the question about what action have I taken to try and stop, probably not enough. My longest sober stretch was 2 days and It was hell and I just couldn't do it anymore. I've tried several other times but my determination fades quick and I just don't think I have it in me to change. Even today I had the day off being a Sunday and normally would be drinking as soon as I wake up, however I held out till 8pm but that was it. I'm pretty hesitant to look into actual rehab as I don't think they can help me anymore than I can myself. I'd just feel trapped there.

[ibizan]

rod and sara have given u xcellent advice.......they like I have been there and done that...all of us started young...like you...if u really WANT to seek recovery u will.....u must......those damn oxcy's mixed with alcohol and by themselves are lethal.

[rod44]

Recovery begins with you. If you want to recover then you can if you truly want it....
Do you think Sara, Ibizan or I wanted to stop or were any different to you, we were where you are now, we all needed help with our respective addictions and we decided to do whatever it would take to stop. We all had to get help. Stop making excuses and get help, this is not going to get any better until you do. Stop burying your head in the sand

Ray

[Up_N_Down]

Thanks again everyone....but I don't think I truly want it enough. I posted because I don't like how I've disapointed my family and I hate who I've become. I used to star in sports most of my life, but now making it up a few flights of stairs is hard. I was born with asthma and if I'm not in great shape I have trouble breathing whenever I exert myself. I just have issues I need to face but just can't and I probably never will which is scary as I'm well aware of how these stories end. I know it sounds like excuses but I just can't picture living a sober life and liking it. I don't consider myself normal and things from my past I just can't talk about or think about. I guess I was hoping there was some magical way to just change, but after some soul searching deep down I know its gonna be hard and I honestly don't want it bad enough at this point.

[dominosarah]

I appreciate your honesty......define normal?

[narla]

We have to fight the things from our past,then move on and live for our future.Don't let the past determine what your future will be.I've had to fight my past to stay sober it's not easy but you can do it.Don't wait till your in your 40s like I did.I ended up with liver damage it's not worth it,fight all your battles now while your young and healthy.Good Luck and please want it enough-  Denise      

[TJack]

Denise, as i was reading your post and those wonderful responses I kept thinking, what in your childhood are you trying to numb and or forget.  Well, then i got to your post where you refer to somethings in your past!  Yep, that will do it.  Hon, you are young so don't waste alot of years going downhill and perhaps killing yourself with a mixture of booze and pills.  First off go to your Dr. be honest with her or him.  Get into detox, they will help you not to suffer while you are getting clean, i can attest to this.
The next thing i would recommend is,because i did it, GO see a psychiatrist.  See a woman if you would be more comfortable.  Get help.  You can bare your soul to these people, they are great listeners and will support you.  It doesn't hurt near as bad once you get it out there, cry and are assured it isn't your FAULT.  I didn't start drinking alot till i was much much older than you, but i think it was predestined in away because of packing bad memories from childhood around with me.  You have a whole lot of life ahead of you.  I hope you can get rid of these demons.  Live sober and be happy.  It can happen, you just have to want it bad enough and get to work on it. TJ

[Up_N_Down]

Normal is being able to cope with day-to-day stresses without the anxiety I experience, and being comfortable with yourself and striving for happiness. I have stopped doing anything I used to care about. Lost my GF a few years ago and just lost my enthusiasm for life even before that. I just can't be happy like others around me and I feel alone even when around others, which I'd rather not be around people most of the time by the way.

[Up_N_Down]

I don't think I can fight the past as it is still a part of my future. I know it doesn't sound right but I just can't face it enough to talk about it. I'm pretty sure I already have some sort of liver damage...I know I have stomach damage as I sometimes puke up blood. I just have stopped caring as much as I used to. It doesn't freak me out like it should and its kinda surreal. Not sure how to explain it but I'm sure you guys can understand.

[narla]

I think you've got a bit mixed I'm narla real name Denise,I'm 48.The one needing answers is UP_N_DOWN

[rod44]

that is unfortunate because your future as it stands is pretty bleak, things are not going anywhere but down....
It is almost like you are happy in your  misery....
self pity is a big problem, poor me.

[Up_N_Down]

sorry for not responding to your post but I wasn't sure who it was meant for.

[narla]

Now isn't the time to stop caring,You must care or you wouldn't have posted here.Now is the time to see a doctor find out what if any damage there is,then you need to get into counselling if your not dealing with whatever it is from your past it will only get worse it will fester like a boil until it gets that bad it has to be released,you need coping mechanisms in place for when that happens because it will happen eventually,last you need to stop the destructive behaviour,that will mean AA meetings or some sort of aftercare,most of us are dealing with things from our past it's not an excuse.Like I said you do care even if you don't realise it or you wouldn't have posted or have come to Medhelp.Just think about your life before you give up.  Denise

[Up_N_Down]

I know...I just don't see happiness in my future and I have demons I can't beat so ya I don't like what the future probably holds. I just can't find a way to be happy with my life and I've burned to many bridges. I just don't see anything else at the moment, as a normal life doesn't seem possible. But thanks for caring.

[Up_N_Down]

I care...not about me but for my family who would be devastated if I died. I kinda wish I didn't have such a caring family but I do. I know I'm lucky and they deserve the best, but I don't think its enough for me to change...

[Up_N_Down]

No problem...I was just confused as to who you were talking to but its all good.

[rod44]

are you drinking now?

[Up_N_Down]

The only time I'm not drinking is when I'm at work and even then sometimes...

[rod44]

Ok you need to come back when you are sober, I know from my own experience that it is hard to reason with someone under the influence of drink......

Get some sleep and come back, drink is influencing your thinking right now I suspect and what we say is falling on deaf ears

[dominosarah]

Your fighting demons with even a bigger demon.....

[Up_N_Down]

Ok Rod I know what you mean...but honestly I can't even think properly when sober anymore. I know you think I'm too messed up to realize what is being said, but honestly this is as good as I get. When sober I'm just thinking of my next drink, not about getting better or anything else. I just feel normal when drinking and people can't even tell when I'm drunk at this point because of my tolerance. I'm not bragging about it I know its bad but that being said I can reason with people right now as good as any other time. Notice my perfect typing, I'm drinking but not hammered like i wanna be.

[Up_N_Down]

I know you're saying I'm turning to demons to fight demons but I'd rather that then turn to myself to fight something I know I'm no match for.