Rationalization is what gets me every time

[Emmy76]

So my tracker says I have 3 days sobriety, which I suppose is only a half truth.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday afternoon, until today.  I've had three glasses of wine over the course of the last 4 hours.  That's not bad, considering your liver metabolizes one drink per hour.  I'm far from being drunk, yet it's days like these that make me believe I can handle drinking.  I know it's the exception, not the rule.

Why is it that rationalization is my biggest obstacle to overcome?  Does that mean that there's actually hope that I can become a casual/social drinker?  I desperately want to be one of those people that can have a drink or two and be okay, but it seems like that's only about 20% of the time I drink.

And why am I okay when I drink beer, but can't seem to put the wine glass down?  I've sworn off hard liquor because it's gotten me into even WORSE situations.  Why is it that I've been able to do THAT, but still have a problem regulating my alcohol intake when it comes to wine?  

Does anyone else have a problem with one type of alcohol but not another?  If it's not a "universal" addiction, does it mean alcohol consumption could actually be controlled?  

I ask this, because I've always believed (and probably rightfully so) that once you're an alcoholic, you'll always be one and you can never go back to drinking a single drop.  I don't want to BE like that though!  I just want to be able to CONTOL it.  Is that possible?  Does anyone else ask themselves that?

[chesnut]

Hi Emmy ,

I've asked myself the same questions.  Although it's not so much the substance that seems make a difference for me,  it's more the way I'm feeling that triggers me choosing to drink in excess.  
I've been watching very carefully ,  when I feel ignored,  neglected , or felt disrespected by my partner,  I notice I want to drink more.  I haven't had it around so much lately,  but that's when I want to have a drink.  So it must be to escape uncomfortable feelings.

Have you looked at the feelings underneath when you want to drink excessively ?  I'm  wondering ..  only because I tell myself I can handle drinking occasionally if I will learn to deal with those uncomfortable feelings ( I'm trying to avoid with alcohol) in a more constructive way.  

[boogieman]

howdy. the good news---you now know that it's still possible to stop, and you seem to be more objective and honest about your consumption than most. the bad news---(sorry) i've done the same thing more than a few times, and had the same thoughts. after a period of sobriety---weeks, months even years----i would have a couple of drinks at the end of the day and think (bad idea for me), "i can do this, it's only a couple and i stopped." that would last a while but usually sooner than later, i would think (still a bad idea), if i can moderate now, then i should be able to have 3 or 4. eventually i would reach the conclusion (my best thinking once again), i can have as much as it takes to feel the way i want to feel, but i won't do it again for a while. by this point my thinking and my drinking are exclusively supportive of each other, and once again my best thinking has gotten me the worst trouble. so what does all this mean? first off, i'm not saying that you are an alcoholic or that you are as out of control as i could get. what i am trying to relate is that what you have described is the desire to be able to predict how much you will consume, and at what point you will stop. for myself, i would add being able to tell what would happen in any given situation. i used to (and still can) convince myself that "this time it will be different." for me it was different, each time i bought into my self deception it got worse. the great dream of every alcoholic is that they will one day be able to drink like non-alcoholic folks, and if not addressed, that dream becomes a delusion. it's not a weakness, sin, lack of morals, or a choice to think this way. it is an illness of the mind, body and soul and whether it's genetic or conditioned is irrelevant to its existence, as a chronic, progressive and fatal condition if not arrested in time. we don't normally try to control something until it gets out of control. "normal" (whatever that is) drinkers don't usually even consider having to control their consumption. it's only when it becomes a problem. limiting types of drinks (beer vs stronger stuff) is often deceptively reassuring, and many liquor drinkers have tried to moderate this way, only to eventually realize that lowered volume percentage translates into more units consumed. like i said, i can't say if you have crossed that "invisible line" or if you should or should not do anything. but i do know that these kinds of thoughts are almost always present in those that have reached the point of no return. the rationalization for me comes from the fact (as i was told long before i understood it) that my head is out to get my a**. i didn't want to be this way, but i have done enough field research to be convinced that i will never be able to safely consume alcohol of any type in any amount. whatever you decide, please keep posting and if you have questions please ask. this is not a place of judgment, but a source of experience and hope no matter where you are in your own journey. take care,  gm