Need to stop.

[Jane3012]

Hi I'm 32 years old. I've been a big drinker from being in my late teens and I'm thinking I need to stop and grow up. My problem is not knowing my limits with alcohol. I'm married have a good career but feel quiet depressed. My husband has changed careers and for the last 18 months worked away and I feel bored and also stressed with my job.
I only sometimes feel ok drinking in certain circles of friends as they know what I'm like. I'm never an aggressive drunk but can be bossy and opinionated and abit self absorbed. However I'm not at all like this sober. I'm getting concerned that I tend to drink to the point of not remembering what I have done or said. The anxiety I feel is horrendous and also shame for things I may or may not have done (as I can't remember).
People laugh at how wasted I get but realise now it's not funny. I'm very scared of ruining my relationship as I have a wonderful caring husband. I feel safe drinking when he's around as he tells me when to stop. I recently was drinking with a different circle and feel total paranoia that I was being a bit over familiar with another guy. This has been the decider for me as I never would dream of doing anything like that sober. I'm also scared as I can't remember anything which is causing this anxiety to grow. I hate this feeling and it seems to happen more often. I think I have many underlying causes for this a traumatic death in the family when I was in my teens, a turbulent relationship with my father, a stressful job. Years ago I suffered a horrendous panic attack and have felt I have had a build up of metal upset and over the years my drinking has helped me block some feelings. But I now understand I have to change I haven't spoke to anyone about this and feel I need to confide and speak to someone. I would be grateful for any advice.

[ibizan]

You've been offered some great advice bu some of the BEST contributors in this forum!I hope you put it too good use for your recovery!Nice to see Poohbear come out of the woods to contribute as well:)!!!!

[rpooo]

Jane after reading through your post and all the wonderful information provided I felt compelled to tell you that right now you are still are in control, look at your life, is it really that bad? Can you think of others that have it worse? Let me assure you it will get much worse if you continue down this path.

You are a smart woman to realize change is needed, therefore I have every bit of confidence in you to make this change. For me I drank until I was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis then decided to make a change..  I used to think, what is it hurting.. Durrr! Haha

You are a married woman, so reconsider going out with these friends "drinking buddies" as it is sure to lead to a life your not proud of and in the end these "friends" won't care, you will just be some girl they used to drink with and tell stories about the things you are ashamed of. You and your husband deserve better! You are a team, work through it! Put your energy into something passionate that you care about, that's where you will find the release you're looking for. The best rewards in life are, Love and Accomplishments not regrets or sitting around telling stories about "remember the time we...blah blah blah". Make new memories every day if you can.

I hope the very best for you Jane, take care my friend,

Randy

[Nighthawk61]

Thanks for coming back Jane. I'm so glad that you've taken some steps forward. I don't suppose you'd mind sharing what you're going to do with this?

[Jane3012]

Thanks all for your feedback, I feel a lot better just addressing the issue I've made some positive steps in just the last couple of days. I'm definitely gonna try my hardest, I'm giving myself some goals.

[ibizan]

U've received some great advice from some awesome forum people here!the only thing i can add is I hope you act on all thats been offered!

[Nighthawk61]

One more thing. .. A good life, is a terrible thing to waste. Please don't waste any more time, before you make your decision. It would be awful for you to have to look back and completely regret wasting your entire 30's and 40's etc.
In the end, wouldn't you like to be able to say that you quit at 32, and not 38 or 45? Think about it.

[Nighthawk61]

Your post reminds me of how i felt when i finally quit drinking. What a relief it is to know that i will no longer end up in a black out and embarrass myself..

I can relate to what you said about it's time to grow up...
when we realize we act out like a petulant child out of control, it means that for a brief moment we are seeing ourselves as a "grown up". Trust those moments of clarity. I quit in '99 and sure don't miss everything that goes with alcoholism. Please keep it in mind, Alcoholism is progressive. This is only going to get worse for you.

Incredible information provided by TtinkK. Food for thought.

[HopeFromHeroin]

Jane,

You're doing the right thing reaching out and sharing. It's admirable you've thought about the negative affect of Alcohol use on your life.

I would reccomend an inpatient detox where the medication Acamprosate is used. Detox lasts 4-7 days. During which time, you'll receive emotional and physical support. Don't be afraid. Sounds like you've already done the most hard thing us addicts fear. You've decided that your circumstances need improved. Congrats on that. I truly believe addiction is a systemic desiese evolved from cultural and physiological factors. Message me if you need some advice on treatment options.  

[onthefence]

i know so well what you are talking about ((Shame))!
I have been there too many times to count, waking up out of blackouts in jail, etc, i moved so many times, because of basically not wanting to face the p-pl i made a new life around.
I was never one that would drink the next day, in fact i usually was really hard on myself for a week or so, then a stress would happen in my life (self induced usually from poor decision made while drunk or high or both) and i would start the cycle all over, its so exhausting , the reward of escape i was getting wasn't worth it.
the last few times i tried to drink, (just a few to relax) i blackout so easy and my tolerance is low, it use to be really high, it shows me that it has seriously affected the memory part of my brain and done damage to organs as well, as i get real sick, next day.
Thats not the worst though , like all of us i have had alot of things go on in my life, even recently with my sons suicide, (damn thats hard to write, but i need to face it) and i have alot of resentments and self loathing etc, so when i drink i act out, never knowing what i will say or do, maybe even drive, so
I work recovery and by doing that i am able to accept me, my ,life, and have gratitude and peace and happiness.Also care enough about others to know i Can not drink, cuz i might drive and hurt someone, all my chances are used up, but by the grace of the creator i am still here:)

[TTinKKerBBell]

drinking, over drinking, black outs, etc., etc., are 'triggered' by that first drink.

It is not 'triggered' when You have a particularly stressful day - rather, that's the 'excuse' You give YourSelf to take that first drink.  We think we drink to 'relax', to 'take the edge off'.  That simply is not true.  Your body (brain, cells, central nervous system, etc., etc) is not relaxed at all when You give it alcohol.  Your body is going 'nuts' trying to metabolize the ethanol You are putting into it.  Alcohol is one of the few substances that penetrate the lining of the stomach - it has a toxic effect on all Your major organs.

Your blackouts ? - please, listen carefully:

Alcohol seriously disrupts the ACTIVITY of several neurotransmitters in SELECT areas of the BRAIN, areas that are primarily responsible for encoding & STORING short term memory & then TRANSITIONING it into LONG TERM memory.  That is what is happening - when the receptors 'shut down', short term memory FAILS to become long term memory.  That's why You don't remember what You have done or said.  This occurs because of the level of alcohol in Your blood.

I'm sure You've heard that alcohol contains 'empty' calories.  What that means is there is NO nutrition in alcohol - but besides that, (as I said before) it penetrates the lining of the stomach - only about 20% is digested in the normal way as food - 80% (EIGHTY PERCENT !!) goes DIRECTLY to the blood stream.  Your body begins the process of absorbsion ALMOST immediately AND the alcohol reaches EVERY organ thru Your blood stream - heart, liver, kidneys, the brain - ALL are affected by alcohol within MINUTES after it enters Your bloodstream.

I apologize for my caps and I apologize for repeating myself but I truely want You to 'get' this.  

You are doing YourSelf great harm and Your body (brain) is sending You messages when You are aware that You are having 'black outs'  Your job is to listen to Your body.  If You will educate YourSelf on the harm and the ravage that alcohol is doing to You it will give You strength and conviction to stop drinking.  Abstaining entirely is the ONLY way to recover - as with continued drinking Your tolerance of alcohol will only increase - as will Your desire to drink because alcohol IS addictive like all other drugs.

Alcohol (ethanol) is a neurotoxic psychoactive DRUG - as is amphetemine and cocaine.  You need to 'fear' the damage You are doing to Your Brain and Your Body.

I will repeat myself (again) - Your Biggest "Trigger" Is That First Drink !!

Regards And Good Luck
Tink

[Jane3012]

I used to be able to drink a bit more responsibly than I do now. I don't drink everyday, it will be more like binges. It usually seems  to be triggered when I have had a particularly stressful day at work, exhausted and won't of eaten, I'm becoming quiet scared of this behaviour. It's not normal behaviour and it's only been probably happening more frequently since my husband took a new job and im alone most of the time. To be honest it's like depression as we have taken a huge cut to our income with the job change but hopefully it will be worth it long term. But I feel lonely and depressed as money is tight. Sometimes I hate the stress of my job but feel trapped because of our current financial situation. The drink seems like a release but then the next day that's when the anxiety kicks in (what have I done? Have I embrassed myself?) to the point my heart races and I'm trying my hardest to remember what I've done!

[onthefence]

drinking and using are symptoms of the disease (addiction) , its very progressive. I have found that even stopping (abstinence, remission ) for any amount of time and its only worse when i start again, and for me and others who have this disease there is a good chance it will end in jails, institutions or death , if i don't live recovery one day at a time.
If you black out when drinking, that could be a sign you have this disease.....

[pillguy]

Find a good therapist.  Ask other healthcare professionals.  Do as much research as you can.  There are good ones but many of them just clearly suck.  Even if you go to a great one, it may not be a good fit for you.  

I have a relative, a female, who is abusing alcohol.  The info for women is NOT good.  "Women should drink no more than 14 drinks per week, no more than 3 in any one day and have at least 2 alcohol-free days per week"  Women are almost twice a suseptible to damage from alcohol compared to a man.