Aa
Not looking for answers....just support - my story
I am the wife of a chronic alcoholic. We will be married 22 years in July. We moved from MN to OH in 2011 after his dad "kicked" us off the farm we were living on (his dad owned it) to see if AH would make any kind of positive changes in his life.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.
When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.
His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.
The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.
I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.
I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!
We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.
I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.
I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.
I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.
L.
Best Answer
Sorry you're experience with Alanon was not one that you valued.
I know you say you're not looking for answers, but i'm wondering if you might consider a suggestion for your daughter.
There are groups of Alateen, for kids to talk about how they feel about an alcoholic parent. There are even online group available.
Obviously your daughter will not be made to feel guilty for choosing to handle the situation as you have, as that was not her position in the family.
She may get a lot out of knowing other kids that are going through the same thing that she is, especially since it is likely that she will lose her dad at home to end stage alcoholism.
It is a fact that children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholic themselves, or marry into addiction. I think that your attention at this point should be to nudge your daughter (without the benefit of your personal experience) into a situation where she feels she can talk about how this has affected her. In a place where she can be honest, and not have to worry about how her words, and feelings are going to affect you.
I would definitely suggest that you set up an appointment with a good Child Psychologist.
The fact is, that your child and her last few years at home should be your main concern. I appreciate that you are having her go to a friends house, rather than to take a chance of walking in on her dad sick or passed on.
But, you cannot spare her from the final stage of this disease. And she will not be treated or "judged" harshly for anything that she might or might or might not have done, since she was not the adult in the situation.
It would be great if you could provide a safe place for her to reach out to others that know about what she's feeling (child psychologist) and how she feels (other teens going through what she's gone through).
I'm not saying that you should feel guilty about your choices here. I'm just saying that your daughter won't experience what you do when finally reaching out for help.
Teach your child that she can think independently, and that she can reach out to "professionals" that are there to help her through the hard times in her life. We teach our children to fly, away from the nest (in a safe manner) The best parents are the ones that know that a child needs other trusted adults in their lives to mentor them (some that have a Child Psychology degree, to be more specific).
I'm sorry that you are now dealing with end stage alcoholism. I'm sure that your husband is appreciative, when he can be. I hope he doesn't suffer too much, and that you can keep strong through to the end.If you want to talk, i'd be happy to oblige.
Liz
I know you say you're not looking for answers, but i'm wondering if you might consider a suggestion for your daughter.
There are groups of Alateen, for kids to talk about how they feel about an alcoholic parent. There are even online group available.
Obviously your daughter will not be made to feel guilty for choosing to handle the situation as you have, as that was not her position in the family.
She may get a lot out of knowing other kids that are going through the same thing that she is, especially since it is likely that she will lose her dad at home to end stage alcoholism.
It is a fact that children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholic themselves, or marry into addiction. I think that your attention at this point should be to nudge your daughter (without the benefit of your personal experience) into a situation where she feels she can talk about how this has affected her. In a place where she can be honest, and not have to worry about how her words, and feelings are going to affect you.
I would definitely suggest that you set up an appointment with a good Child Psychologist.
The fact is, that your child and her last few years at home should be your main concern. I appreciate that you are having her go to a friends house, rather than to take a chance of walking in on her dad sick or passed on.
But, you cannot spare her from the final stage of this disease. And she will not be treated or "judged" harshly for anything that she might or might or might not have done, since she was not the adult in the situation.
It would be great if you could provide a safe place for her to reach out to others that know about what she's feeling (child psychologist) and how she feels (other teens going through what she's gone through).
I'm not saying that you should feel guilty about your choices here. I'm just saying that your daughter won't experience what you do when finally reaching out for help.
Teach your child that she can think independently, and that she can reach out to "professionals" that are there to help her through the hard times in her life. We teach our children to fly, away from the nest (in a safe manner) The best parents are the ones that know that a child needs other trusted adults in their lives to mentor them (some that have a Child Psychology degree, to be more specific).
I'm sorry that you are now dealing with end stage alcoholism. I'm sure that your husband is appreciative, when he can be. I hope he doesn't suffer too much, and that you can keep strong through to the end.If you want to talk, i'd be happy to oblige.
Liz
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Alcoholism Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Liz