Aa
Problem Drinking and Drugs, Alcohilsm
[Big Q ... sorry :-)]
I am very confused about the distinction between problem drinking, controlled drinking, alcoholism, addiction from what I have read here and elsewhere about such distinction, thought I'll share my situation here.
I have been struggling with drinking and other substance abuse for some time now and I am very confused about where I am, on the one hand I do have some amount (only just) of self control and I will not slide down after a point. I go to meetings and find others who have gone on much much farther than where I have gone. I am even made aware that yes I am an addict but not a hardcore one, maybe on the fringe of being a hardcore addict.
(A doctor dealing with alcohol and drug addicts since about 10 years told me this last week when I meet him at his out reach center)
I have more of a problem with drugs but even that I do not take beyond a particular line. To start off, I have been drinking for about 7-8 years now. (since I was 17 I think) I had 2 bouts with drugs also in all of this, the first time it went for two years and at around 20 , I quit drugs and decided that I will only use alcohol since it is a controllable socially allowed vice. There is no question that drinking caused problems but I did not have the same appetite for alcohol an alcoholic might have; I would often drink alone but I found it boring after a couple of pegs, about a maximum of a pint of whiskey or any other hard drink like rum. When drinking alone, I never drank enough to cause vomiting, total loss of self control, black outs etc. I would only drink to that point when I was drinking with friends (It happened occasionally at first but it did slowly get to the point where each week 1nce or 2wice I would be out drinking all night with friends who were good company to drink with and occasionally get in to fights and other hassles) I didn't enjoy drinking too much when I had boring company though. This is where I was about a year and a half ago, this is how most of my weekends were spent; getting together with my drinking friend and drinking and then doing our kind of mischief, the kind that amused us a bit but not got us in to trouble too often)
and then I hated it the next day because I would have the hangovers, feeling completely lethargic for all of the next day, stomach issues etc. I hated it in the long term as well because I would schedule the weekends to catch up on my reading, catch up with certain other friends or often to simply rest and get things in perspective after a week's work. But the drinking friend of mine was too pestering and would call me and lull me anyway, he liked alcohol much more than me I could tell, it probably had a genetic component to it I guess as well. (his father died of drinking at 31) So whenever I was able to stay away from this one particular friend and another friend I had at work, I could stay away from booze or maybe slip up a little here and there but not too much.
Then after a while, I tried opioid prescription medicines with an office mate and loved it initially. This is what I got hooked on to big time, slowly but surely I was doing different stuff all together, booze, marijuana, meds all of them. I was taking only this on weekends than in the middle of the week, then on some weekdays as well (you know how it works).
After about 3 months of trying opioids, I was doing them everyday, the use of opioids I can not control I admit. I raved like this for some months until the money ran out and then I did only the meds each day.
(but still I only tried the harder stuff like hydrocodones rarely and stayed away from the dirty ones such as doing opium itself or heroin which I had tried as a teenager.)
After using codeine everyday for about a year, I have actually put on weight, I still don't look like a junkie, I can pass of a respectable member of society everywhere I go. [where they don't know I use]
But then the downside is, that much of my time and money is wasted (I'll admit I have done both crazy and low things to get the money to keep me high) with doing codeine, when I could write a blog post or read up about things I am in to now, learn this or that, meditate, find spiritual peace, go to a gym, spend time with my family or do a million other things that I'd like to do, I go out have a couple of bottles of C syrup and then go to some place of solace I like and sit contemplating nothing of importance while chain smoking ciggs or listening to music. (at first it as on an iPOD I had which I sold and then my phone which also I sold later I'll admit I got there)
Recently, many a times, I have alcohol as well.
Coming back to A drinking, I see that I can still control it, I am content with a quarter or somewhat less amounts or maybe I will have 3 beers but I don't do more because then I don't like it, I only like how you feel after 2-3 drinks, when your perception is just changing and then you get a pleasant buzz, I in fact hate it when I drink to much and the buzz is overwhelming.
Now, ever since I found about the 12 step programs, I have wanted to live the life all of those NA & AA members live; absolutely clean of everything and serene but I have not been able to do that, Often I have the urge to get back to drinking socially once again, stay of drugs, just have alcohol in moderation but the trouble is I haven't been able to get clean of C. Finally, I'll arrive the question (which you might find stupid and excruciatingly redundant) but I'll ask it anyway:
Is it ok if I can get back to drinking in a controlled manner even if I tend towards problem drinking at times. (If I can manage it which it seems to me I can)
Drugs I can not have and don't want to have, but I still feel like being able to enjoy a booze buzz every once in a while. My mind rebels when I tell it that I'll be sober of all things till I die ...
I am very confused about the distinction between problem drinking, controlled drinking, alcoholism, addiction from what I have read here and elsewhere about such distinction, thought I'll share my situation here.
I have been struggling with drinking and other substance abuse for some time now and I am very confused about where I am, on the one hand I do have some amount (only just) of self control and I will not slide down after a point. I go to meetings and find others who have gone on much much farther than where I have gone. I am even made aware that yes I am an addict but not a hardcore one, maybe on the fringe of being a hardcore addict.
(A doctor dealing with alcohol and drug addicts since about 10 years told me this last week when I meet him at his out reach center)
I have more of a problem with drugs but even that I do not take beyond a particular line. To start off, I have been drinking for about 7-8 years now. (since I was 17 I think) I had 2 bouts with drugs also in all of this, the first time it went for two years and at around 20 , I quit drugs and decided that I will only use alcohol since it is a controllable socially allowed vice. There is no question that drinking caused problems but I did not have the same appetite for alcohol an alcoholic might have; I would often drink alone but I found it boring after a couple of pegs, about a maximum of a pint of whiskey or any other hard drink like rum. When drinking alone, I never drank enough to cause vomiting, total loss of self control, black outs etc. I would only drink to that point when I was drinking with friends (It happened occasionally at first but it did slowly get to the point where each week 1nce or 2wice I would be out drinking all night with friends who were good company to drink with and occasionally get in to fights and other hassles) I didn't enjoy drinking too much when I had boring company though. This is where I was about a year and a half ago, this is how most of my weekends were spent; getting together with my drinking friend and drinking and then doing our kind of mischief, the kind that amused us a bit but not got us in to trouble too often)
and then I hated it the next day because I would have the hangovers, feeling completely lethargic for all of the next day, stomach issues etc. I hated it in the long term as well because I would schedule the weekends to catch up on my reading, catch up with certain other friends or often to simply rest and get things in perspective after a week's work. But the drinking friend of mine was too pestering and would call me and lull me anyway, he liked alcohol much more than me I could tell, it probably had a genetic component to it I guess as well. (his father died of drinking at 31) So whenever I was able to stay away from this one particular friend and another friend I had at work, I could stay away from booze or maybe slip up a little here and there but not too much.
Then after a while, I tried opioid prescription medicines with an office mate and loved it initially. This is what I got hooked on to big time, slowly but surely I was doing different stuff all together, booze, marijuana, meds all of them. I was taking only this on weekends than in the middle of the week, then on some weekdays as well (you know how it works).
After about 3 months of trying opioids, I was doing them everyday, the use of opioids I can not control I admit. I raved like this for some months until the money ran out and then I did only the meds each day.
(but still I only tried the harder stuff like hydrocodones rarely and stayed away from the dirty ones such as doing opium itself or heroin which I had tried as a teenager.)
After using codeine everyday for about a year, I have actually put on weight, I still don't look like a junkie, I can pass of a respectable member of society everywhere I go. [where they don't know I use]
But then the downside is, that much of my time and money is wasted (I'll admit I have done both crazy and low things to get the money to keep me high) with doing codeine, when I could write a blog post or read up about things I am in to now, learn this or that, meditate, find spiritual peace, go to a gym, spend time with my family or do a million other things that I'd like to do, I go out have a couple of bottles of C syrup and then go to some place of solace I like and sit contemplating nothing of importance while chain smoking ciggs or listening to music. (at first it as on an iPOD I had which I sold and then my phone which also I sold later I'll admit I got there)
Recently, many a times, I have alcohol as well.
Coming back to A drinking, I see that I can still control it, I am content with a quarter or somewhat less amounts or maybe I will have 3 beers but I don't do more because then I don't like it, I only like how you feel after 2-3 drinks, when your perception is just changing and then you get a pleasant buzz, I in fact hate it when I drink to much and the buzz is overwhelming.
Now, ever since I found about the 12 step programs, I have wanted to live the life all of those NA & AA members live; absolutely clean of everything and serene but I have not been able to do that, Often I have the urge to get back to drinking socially once again, stay of drugs, just have alcohol in moderation but the trouble is I haven't been able to get clean of C. Finally, I'll arrive the question (which you might find stupid and excruciatingly redundant) but I'll ask it anyway:
Is it ok if I can get back to drinking in a controlled manner even if I tend towards problem drinking at times. (If I can manage it which it seems to me I can)
Drugs I can not have and don't want to have, but I still feel like being able to enjoy a booze buzz every once in a while. My mind rebels when I tell it that I'll be sober of all things till I die ...
I've had to face that I have an addictive personality (seems to run in the family) and being a control freak I'm always trying to control what it is I'm addicted to, but of course our addictions really control us. I'm definitely a "problem drinker" aka alcoholic, and I have smoked marijuana since I was 19. Not giving that one up. I'm convinced that it has kept me from being addicted to prescription drugs. Everybody I know is on Xanax plus antidepressants plus alcohol plus pain killers. I figure beer, pot, and potato chips will kill me slower than tequila, meth, oxycontin, and effexor, not to mention tobacco, which is killing three members of my immediate family.
hello. glad to hear you're gonna try to stay away from booze this weekend. it doesn't happen overnight, but investing in your own recovery (meetings, reading literature, working with others, pursuit of spiritual growth) will enable you to live in a world where you won't miss the alcohol or other drugs. it is difficult at first, but it gets better.
don't worry about the rest of your life. just deal with today. we never know what the future will bring and we're not guaranteed anything beyond right now. when i quit drinking the last time (and i pray it was the last), at times i could only commit to an hour or so at a time. the withdrawal was so horrible that i could only tell myself "ok-i won't drink for the next hour, or 45 minutes". and at some points it was minute by minute. after the initial shock to the system, most people can commit to that day. not tomorrow or next week, just until they retire for the night.
a friend of mine describes it this way, when someone asks him to have a drink with them, he tells them "not today, maybe tomorrow". then he always says "you know, in over 20 years i haven't seen one tomorrow. it's always today". and one day at a time he's been sober 20+ years. if we follow the suggested program of aa, na, or any other spiritually based plan to the best of our ability, one day at a time abstinence becomes a very manageable way to attain a life we only dreamed of before.
once again, best wishes and most of all keep coming back to this site and the rooms of recovery. there are a lot of folks that have "been there" and are willing to help--no matter what you may do.
don't worry about the rest of your life. just deal with today. we never know what the future will bring and we're not guaranteed anything beyond right now. when i quit drinking the last time (and i pray it was the last), at times i could only commit to an hour or so at a time. the withdrawal was so horrible that i could only tell myself "ok-i won't drink for the next hour, or 45 minutes". and at some points it was minute by minute. after the initial shock to the system, most people can commit to that day. not tomorrow or next week, just until they retire for the night.
a friend of mine describes it this way, when someone asks him to have a drink with them, he tells them "not today, maybe tomorrow". then he always says "you know, in over 20 years i haven't seen one tomorrow. it's always today". and one day at a time he's been sober 20+ years. if we follow the suggested program of aa, na, or any other spiritually based plan to the best of our ability, one day at a time abstinence becomes a very manageable way to attain a life we only dreamed of before.
once again, best wishes and most of all keep coming back to this site and the rooms of recovery. there are a lot of folks that have "been there" and are willing to help--no matter what you may do.
thanks boogieman for the advice, maybe it's just the addict in me questioning the tried and tested NA/AA model that having crossed that line we can never use anything successfully again even alcohol either it will take us back to our choice of substance or it itself will become the problem, (as I understand the problem is not in the substance but how we react to them ... right?) well, all of this about being able to enjoy a buzz some times comes to my mind because my mind just can not accept the idea of living sober till the end, it rebels to that idea, the lust for drinking hit me after I heard work mates at work planning for a party this weekend which involved consumption of alcohol of course and I had to decline the invitation because I have been told I must not take in that first drink no matter what.
After thinking about it for a while I was getting depressed that I can not enjoy even an occasional binge with friends for the rest of my life and then the train of thought automatically went to wondering whether I am not an alcoholic in the first place, maybe I was just a problem drinker/user and that I can learn to drink socially ... I won't try to go back to social drinking this weekend I am sure but who knows about the future, there are no guarantees with my kind of people; maybe I'll try to become a social drinker some time in the future, if and when I do try, I may not succeed or may even succeed who knows what exactly will happen in my life.
I can only hope that the higher power I have found in the program stays with me and makes the right choices for me and I listen to the choices he made for me ...
After thinking about it for a while I was getting depressed that I can not enjoy even an occasional binge with friends for the rest of my life and then the train of thought automatically went to wondering whether I am not an alcoholic in the first place, maybe I was just a problem drinker/user and that I can learn to drink socially ... I won't try to go back to social drinking this weekend I am sure but who knows about the future, there are no guarantees with my kind of people; maybe I'll try to become a social drinker some time in the future, if and when I do try, I may not succeed or may even succeed who knows what exactly will happen in my life.
I can only hope that the higher power I have found in the program stays with me and makes the right choices for me and I listen to the choices he made for me ...
if you have crossed the line with opiates or anything else, your chances of success are slim to none. i can't say this with 100% certainty because my psychic powers went away after i stopped drinking and using other substances, but the evidence of countless others is my rationale. i wish i could go back too sometimes, before the angels became demons, but there is no reversal to my addictive nature. it took me a lot of pain and suffering to realize this--i was offered a solution 15 years ago. the solution never changed, i did. alcohol is no different when used to change the way we feel. it is legal mainly because it is a multi billion dollar industry and it has millions of customers. other drugs are not any more damaging in those who use them to excess. the gangs and other organized criminal enterprises who deal are simply cashing in on a high demand and violence is part of the business plan. do some research on the prohibition era and you'll see why our streets are no longer safe. it's called profit motive.
sorry i didn't intend to get into black market economics.
it's not the substance, it's what the substance changes, disrupts, increases, or decreases biochemically. get yourself copies of the aa and na basic texts. if you read them and remain true to yourself, you might just avoid the horrors some of us have imposed upon ourselves and discover that life can be beautiful without numbing your perceptions. or you might do what i did and years from now realize that you wish you'd listened to the things you heard , the first time you heard them. there are alternatives to any problems or difficulties you may have besides intoxication. many of us die before becoming open to them.
sorry i didn't intend to get into black market economics.
it's not the substance, it's what the substance changes, disrupts, increases, or decreases biochemically. get yourself copies of the aa and na basic texts. if you read them and remain true to yourself, you might just avoid the horrors some of us have imposed upon ourselves and discover that life can be beautiful without numbing your perceptions. or you might do what i did and years from now realize that you wish you'd listened to the things you heard , the first time you heard them. there are alternatives to any problems or difficulties you may have besides intoxication. many of us die before becoming open to them.
I sure can relate to feeling that I have the "right to chemical peace of mind". When I started on opiates, for quite some time, I felt that I was just self treating my self for the disorders I have.
(I have always been a bit hyperactive, been sentimental and at the time I thought I had major problems because of things outside of my control and my using was justified)
only when the problems got very bad did I start accepting that I might be addicted to them. Anyways I know I am an addict but I know I am not an alcoholic because I don't have that much of a taste for it. I will try and get back to drinking only and drinking socially only. The only problem major problem I have had is that alcohol lowers inhibitions and I am likely to go back to abusing my choice of substance. But if I can get back to where I was a year-n-a-half ago where I only drank and no matter what stayed away from any other kind of drugs, I'll be fine, I'll try and get back there ...
(I have always been a bit hyperactive, been sentimental and at the time I thought I had major problems because of things outside of my control and my using was justified)
only when the problems got very bad did I start accepting that I might be addicted to them. Anyways I know I am an addict but I know I am not an alcoholic because I don't have that much of a taste for it. I will try and get back to drinking only and drinking socially only. The only problem major problem I have had is that alcohol lowers inhibitions and I am likely to go back to abusing my choice of substance. But if I can get back to where I was a year-n-a-half ago where I only drank and no matter what stayed away from any other kind of drugs, I'll be fine, I'll try and get back there ...
Namaste,
Unfortunatelly, in the simplest terms, you're an alcoholic.
You have an addictive personality, lie myself, which makes us susceptible to not only an addiction to alcohol, but to most additions, such as drugs(which you know), but gambing, cigarettes, sex, etc.
12 step programs are helpful for some people and if you're really committed to such a program, make sure you have a sponsor to whom you can turn in your weak moments.
I've been were you're at and after 7 years of not drinking, I still get the ocassional urge. So understand, that it's a lifelong problem that you may have to deal with on a regular basis.
Michael(Jikan)
Unfortunatelly, in the simplest terms, you're an alcoholic.
You have an addictive personality, lie myself, which makes us susceptible to not only an addiction to alcohol, but to most additions, such as drugs(which you know), but gambing, cigarettes, sex, etc.
12 step programs are helpful for some people and if you're really committed to such a program, make sure you have a sponsor to whom you can turn in your weak moments.
I've been were you're at and after 7 years of not drinking, I still get the ocassional urge. So understand, that it's a lifelong problem that you may have to deal with on a regular basis.
Michael(Jikan)
You are reading content posted in the Alcoholism Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
