So disappointed

Question

My title says it all.  I quit drinking for 11-1/2 years.  I actually knew I had a problem and put myself in rehab.  After I got remarried last March and things settled down in the summer of 2013 I thought I could drink socially.  They were right in rehab when they say you don't even know it's coming - you just do it.   This time is different.  I don't drink and drive.  I never drink to excess.  I know when to stop.  The problem is that I have to have those two or three beer at night to take the edge off.  My best friend died in a car accident in January and that seemed to be when I picked up a few more days.  But, still never got drunk or had a hangover.  I just don't like that I have to drink a few to stop the headaches or the shakes.  Every morning I wake up and say I'm not going to drink when I get home from work but I do.  My anxiety is going through the roof.  It's actually worse now that I started drinking again.  I really want to do something now before it pulls me deeper in.  I'm seeing my family doctor tomorrow.  Just really needed to vent and was hoping for  some advice or even just someone who understands.  Thanks for listening.

kelz2727 · Answer

Yes, I know what I need to do.  Even when I went to rehab 11 years ago I was the one who put myself there.  Seeing my doctor on Wednesday again to talk about options for my anxiety.  Not that I've been drinking more than 3 beer a day but lately I've cut back to two.  Just trying to slowly stop so the withdrawal symptoms are not so bad.  I will keep in touch.  Thanks for the support.  It's greatly appreciated!!

CML2014 · Answer

Hi Kelz,

You sound like someone who already knows what needs to be done!!!

Eleven years is a great accomplishment. So you thought you could get away with social drinking, lot's of people do. Just pick yourself , realize you will NEVER be able to take a drink again and start your journey all over again. Let your faith be the guidance you need. You seem like a very "aware" person, you know you can do it. You did it once, right??

CML2014 · Answer

Excellent post , GoPens!!!!. Thoughtful yet strong. You are to be admired for your 3 years of sobriety and the lessons you have learned along the way. My hope is others can follow in your footsteps. Keep up the great work you are doing with your sobriety and the good work you are doing being an understanding and encouraging roll model.

ibizan · Answer

Anxiety is an after effect of the alcohol.....google PAWS...Post Acute Withdrawal from Alcoholism.Hope your doctor knows that prescribing benzos for anxiety is a bad thing for alcoholics...addictive and will lead back to the drinking!Ativan,Xanax,Klonipin and the like are mortal enemies of the alcoholic who sincerely desires to stay sober!

kelz2727 · Answer

My kids did not like the "me" that drank before.  They speak freely of that.  They have not mentioned anything that upsets them about me drinking now.  My daughter actually said she's glad I don't act like I used to.  Still makes me think that if I feel the need to have a few drinks that I best do something before I do disappoint them.  I went to my doctor yesterday who sent me to the ER for tests to rule out any heart issues before he treats me for alcohol & anxiety.  Heart issues run in my family.  All is clear there so I need to make a follow up appt to talk about my options.  Thanks for listening!

ibizan · Answer

Its always imperative to be ever vigilant w/this disease!how do your children feel @ your drinking?

kelz2727 · Answer

Church did help. Reading self help books helped. I guess I got too confident. I have an appt at the doctor after work and my husband is going with. I was to be as truthful as possible. Oh, and I have two children ages 24 & 21.

ibizan · Answer

If you found support in your church group and it helped you stay sober you definitely need to return there!Are there children in the family?

kelz2727 · Answer

It was nice to wake up and find that someone answered me.  A good feeling, lol.  And I agree about the anxiety part of this and my mind is worn out from thinking about all of this.  

My husband & I talk about everything.  He knew when I decided to drink.  I made rules and of course broke just about every one of them except one and that is I can stop when my body has had enough.  But, I don't want to tempt fate on that too long.  Last night I told him that I have to do something.  He stands behind me 100%.  I thank God I have him. 

 AA around here has not helped me in the past.  I believe I stayed sober 11-1/2 years because I had faith.  I read a lot of self help books.   I was going to church.  Slowly all of that stopped & so did that courage I had to keep away from it. 

And I think being hard on myself is the problem.  Please know that I don't discourage AA.  I've seen it work wonders for a lot of people.  I'm sorry to hear about your sister & thank you for taking the time to boost my confidence.  I needed that :))))

GoPens66 · Answer

Hey...Hang in there.  Been there and done that too.  I thought I had it licked until my sister died unexpectedly and I ended right back where I started.  Rehab!! I sometimes think the anxiety that goes with knowing that you have a drinking problem and that you have to stop..is the WORSE!!!  It feels like an everyday 24/7 thought.  It is all you can do is think about it.  Do you talk to your spouse know about the past and present drinking?  

I really don't know what to tell you except have faith in yourself.  Don't ever give up.  I struggle too.  I have almost 3 years.  Somedays I don't even think about it, yet other days it is all I can think about.  I do find that when I drag myself to an AA meeting, I always feel a boost of confidence.  

You are doing good by going to your doctor.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Just pick yourself up, the shakes will pass, and start counting again.  YOU CAN DO IT!!!

GoPens66