Tips for dealing with alcoholic father?

[blondmelon]

(Sorry, I know this is long...) I'm 24 and struggling with how to deal with my father, who has been an alcoholic all my life. I've been concerned about him for several years now, but lately I'm having intense anxiety to even call him because he's always drunk or busy. However, on top of being an alcoholic, my father is the prototypical Cancer as well. Coupled with the alcoholism, he is very reclusive, reserved and hypersensitive. I don't have the courage to talk to him, because when I have seen others address his health or emotional problems he just dismisses it as something minor and shuts down. He refuses to see a doctor. He says things like, "They're just going to tell me something's wrong... I need to lose weight, I need to exercise more... " but he never mentions the drinking.

I don't want to be the one to confront him with this, but I don't know what to do. He doesn't have ANY social life outside of his job, where he only has maybe two friends. He and I used to be very close, but his drinking has driven a wedge between us. When he hasn't talked to me or my brother in a while, he'll passively make remarks about it to make us feel guilty. The truth is, he doesn't reach out to us often and when we reach out to him, he doesn't say much and it's very obvious that he's drunk.

I'm just feeling really guilty and depressed, although I know I shouldn't. I call him 90% of the time, but we haven't spoken in almost a month. I've been extremely busy finishing up my senior year of college and my thoughts are "Well he has fingers, too. He must not want to talk to me." After all, my mother calls me every couple of days to check in, so why can't he? Even so, the last few times I called him he argued with me about bills and didn't have much else to say. I just don't feel comfortable talking to him. I've considered Al-Anon, but I have complicated beliefs and can't follow the spiritual part of the program.  

Anyway, after all of that, I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can give me advice or other sources for help. He's on the road to drinking himself to death, and while I've been told a million times it's not my fault or anything I can control, I just don't know where to go from here. I know I'll be hurt whether I shut him out or stay involved.

Thanks in advance,
BM

[baseballdiva]

I NEED TO VENT!!!!

[rod44]

I hope all goes well for you, your Dad is lucky to have someone who cares.
Let us know how you get on :)

[blondmelon]

Thank you all so much. I was worried about being ostracized or not knowing how to follow the program, but I think I will check it out -- I'm so tired of feeling so guilty and helpless. Luckily I was able to talk to a friend last night, who as it turns out also has an alcoholic parent. It was so relieving to be able to share that with someone, so I think talking to people at Al-Anon could be beneficial. Thanks for your support!

[rod44]

I struggled with higher power thing for years, one day at a meeting I shared my problem with others at the meeting, an elderly man asked me how I got to the meeting, I said I got there by Bus, his reply to me was "so did I, my bus driver is my higher power, he gets me to this meeting, this meeting is what keeps me sane & sober, I need to be here otherwise I will drink". As punkinhead75 said take what you need and leave the rest, there are people in AA that I dont see eye to eye with, people who have different views & beliefs than I do but tolerance and acceptance of each other is what makes it work.
Wise words from ibizan, it is the principles of the program and members experiences that will guide you. Remember you are not responsible for your dads addiction, you need to heal as well :)  

[ibizan]

there is a saying in AA and NA "there is no power greater than the alcoholic or addict helping one another to recover"It also applies to Al-Anon.......delete the God stuff if it is not for u...and LISTEN to the family members of the alcoholic/addict who have used the principles of the program and members experiences to help one another combat their loved ones manipulating them w/their disease!

[Punkinhead75]

I went to al-anon and found it helpful.  Just being with other folks who are dealing or have dealt with the same issues helped lighten the load a bit.  I suggest going in with an open mind.  Take what you need and leave the rest.  The one thing I had to learn to do was not let my wifes problem(addiction/alcoholism) make me sick too(anxiety,guilt etc).  It wasn't easy then and can still be difficult.  The good news was that me getting well did not depend on my wifes behavior.  That was something I had never considered.  Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing with us.

[blondmelon]

Thanks for the support. My mom told me to write him a letter about how I feel, but I even have anxiety over that. I feel like if I gave him something like that, he's the type of person who would just become more depressed and ultimately drink more. Like I said, he's very sensitive and doesn't like to talk about his own issues. I suppose my anxiety over the whole situation is something I need to get control of.

As far as Al-Anon goes, is it likely that I would be able to get something out of it if I'm technically an atheist? I believe in a "higher power" per se, just not one that is in any way involved in our daily existence. It seems from my research that while Al-Anon claims it is open to everyone, the program is still dependent upon you believing that there is an omnipresent god of some sort. I tried reading "The Language of Letting Go," but couldn't follow it because it seemed to hint too strongly toward Christian beliefs. I really like the idea of a support group, but would prefer one that is more self-empowering than just believing something else will take care of the problems. I may be off-base -- I've never been to a meeting, so I don't know what it's really like. Do you think this would still be something for me, or what are some other sources of help out there?

[ibizan]

Rod is a wise person who gives good advice here.....i agree w/him!also possibly to find a good substance abuse counselor who has xperience working w/family members of the alcoholic could be a good try!U will never change ur dads behavior...but u should xpress what u feel for ur own sanity....this i was told in 1983 when i was recovering from my own addiction problem and had a heavy drinking father i 2 had issues with.

[rod44]

To help your Dad you need to first help yourself, stop beating yourself up about your Dads choices. Get to an Al-anon meeting, you will need to have people around you who understand what you are dealing with. Have you tried putting your thoughts, fears & concerns on paper and giving them to your Dad, you cant change your Dad but it just may get him thinking.


Ray