What can I say?

[azezal]

I guess if there was a medic who could help me I would not be writing this. I am determined on death. I have a shipment of about 500g of pentobarbital incoming soon. Thats enough to take a herd of elephants so something should work for me and if it fails ill probably just get high.

Anyway  this is not a joke, Im just trying to be light hearted.

My confirmed problems first of all. Clinical depression, alcoholism, borderline personality disorder, pain killer abuse, self harm and the list goes on.

After a car crash I had, I think my frontal lobes got either destroyed or damaged. I do not feel sympathy, guilt or remorce for anything. I would think this is classical sociopath/psycopath mentally, although I was not like this before, maybe slightly.

Most of my violence is directed at myself, although because I drink about 30 units a night I can be violent to my GF who has been with me for 6 years. This is not as bad as it seems, because when I grab a screwdriver I would avoid causing her harm, by just slapping her with the side of it, although I did shoot her ounce with a gas gun and I am ashamed of that. I am only violent when I get disobeyed.

Anyway, if there is any cure for me other than pentobarbital in bulk, Id like to hear it.

[ibizan]

Bravo Girl!thank u for posting!i know u've worked hard and cannot stop working hard to maintain what u've acheived.....it is so nice to see a post like this!keep on keepin on!

[Tink70]

I am a recovering alcoholic, OCD, Bipolar with psychotic (sp?) tendencies (I can't remember if I was classified BP I or BPII).  I relate to the anger.  I relate to wanting to end it all.  But I got help.  It can be done.  You don't have to live that way.  But you do have to follow a treatment plan.  YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS!  Sometimes it is easy to get hooked on the high that your own brain can create and anger can give you a high just as much as pure euphoric mania can.  To a "normal" person that sounds crazy but it's true.  The strangest thing is that inside, you really DONT want to be angry!  It's like a horrible roller coaster ride.  You honestly can't control it.  I have been in psychotic rages that honestly scared me but I could NOT control.  Thankfully, and by the Grace of God - I never hurt anyone.  I have yanked my kids around a couple of times by their arms but nothing more than that...somewhere, somehow...God always protected them.  I have been in almost schizo-affective delusional states where I have been in rage/delusional mania AND drunk and talking to angels or demons at the same time!  That is some Scary ****!  
But that doesn't occur much anymore! (And the drunk part has occured AT ALL in over 2 years!)  WHY?  CAUSE I TAKE MY MEDS!  I CARE ABOUT MYSELF AND MY FAMILY!  I GO TO COUNSELING AND TO MY PDOC ON A REGULAR BASIS! I GO TO AA!  I won't ever be "normal".  I don't wanna be!  I am an artistic, intelligent, talented, highly creative individual and this is only a challange.
Crazy Lab Rat on Crazy Meds!!!!

[ibizan]

i've been sober/clean for 24 years...have worked in the mental health field and currently worked in substance abuse.I've encountered many ppl with ur described issues..and there seems to be a great difficulty folllowing a treatment plan and changeing behaviors that elicit secondary gain.I'm pretty sure that whatever i say here will be met by u with tried it doesn't work...and a lot of anger and hopelessness.It would be nice if someone with ur issues would jump in here and comment with what their doing that works!"I am only violent when i'm disobeyed"u control with ur anger and violent behavior..and u most likely get a sense of pleasure out of it!