Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

[Rileysmama]

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.

[Rileysmama]

I wrote my first post 3 1/2 years ago and I finally understand moving on. I have never seen him the way I see him now and it saddens me. I'm ok without him and I know that know, but it hurts, I don't miss him anymore, he's sick and I'm sick of taking care of him and my kids trust in me and except what I do for them, with or without dad. It hurts and I'm sad. But it is what it is.

[Rileysmama]

My husband finally hit rock bottom after 18 years and I'm done and so are my kids. I'm sad, done and not surprised.

[Jubilee51]

You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx

[Jubilee51]

You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx

[shari810]

Hey thanks for replying to my post.
I ordered some books that was suggested on  these posts.  "The easy way to quit drinking. sober and staying that way, eating right to live sober"
I figure it can only do good to read.  After all, I've been abusing my body for a while.  I hope I find some eye awakening facts in these books.
I really want to stay sober this time.  I did try a few times to quit but had no luck, kept picking up after a few weeks. It's really hard to get up the next morning for work at 8 after a pint of Vodka.
I'm now 58 and I need to stop messing around with my life.

And #810 has no significance.

Stay healthy and sober

[LuvtoLexi]

I have been reading all of the comments and crying while reading each one.  Each comment applies to me as it does to most women/men going through this.  I am 40 and my husband and I have been together for 19 yrs, married for 15.  Like most couples we spent weekends socializing with others, took vacations etc.  Drinking was a social thing, not a problem.  10yrs ago I began to suspect something wasn't right.  We had our dissagreements about his drinking, I expressed concern to his parents and mine.  That is when I should have left, but I loved him and I was going to make this marriage work against all odds like some fantasy movie.  4 1/2 yrs ago he went to a 30 day treatment center(not a very good one) but it was close and affordable.  I had a sense of relief and hope that this is what I had been waiting for....help.  Out of rehab he looked so handsome and I approached with caution as I had been in therapy while he was away myself.  That first two months I was so happy, everything was going to be fine, and our future dreams were finally going to come true!  Then he "slipped" for the first time and I was devastated.  It wasn't much, just a glass of wine, so I said to myself "this is going to happen from time to time, you know this and are prepared to cope".   Over the last 4 yrs we have dealt with "slips"  quite often and have been in therapy to learn how to handle them.  I stopped going to therapy 1 yr ago as my therapist said I was ready.  My husband was still going to therapy and working on his personal issues, adoption being the biggest.  We were getting by one day at a time, but once a month he would drink for a day or two and get right back on track.  Over the last 5 months, the once a month " slips" got to where they lasted a week and the wine had turned into liquor and peppermint extract.  I was soo scared for him when I saw the first empty bottle of peppermint extract.  Just couldn't believe the addiction was this powerful.  That is when I realized that he needed more help than he was getting and I just felt powerless.  We fought, played the blame game etc just like everyone living in this situation does.  The saddest thing about this is people would often say that he talks about me all the time and that he sure does love me.  He is a wonderful man when the addiction is not in control and that is why this has been soo hard.  He isn't verbally abusive, physically abusive, works hard (when not drinking).  He is everything I could hope for in a husband.  The addiction has killed the man I have loved for nearly 1/2 my life.  I am so angry at this disease for hurting soo many people and just want to know why?  We are all good people who married loving husbands so why is this happening?  We did nothing wrong.  I dropped my husband off at his parents three hours from me two days ago.  Our therapist recommends at least 6mos seperation so that we can both heal and that I need to grieve like I have lost my husband and to take it one day at a time.  I miss the man this disease has taken from me, his touch, his jokes, and the way he used to look at me.  I will get through this, that much I know, but how long will I hurt like this?  My parents have used the word hate when talking about him and been judgemental and harsh.  They don't understand that this is a disease.  They think this is all his fault.  I have seen him bent over crying because he didn't want to drink but couldn't stop thinking about it.  I have too lost trust in my husband because of the lies and the more I read about the disease I know it will always be there.  No matter what happens, the fear of relapse will always be there.  I don't want to live with that fear any longer.  I don't want to find myself 10 yrs from now wishing that I had left.  You would think with the money this country puts into research drugs to cure various diseases that there would be something for addiction, as it costs this country soo much and destroys soo many.  My mind tells me that there is so much more out there and get out of this mess and live, while my heart wants so desperately for a future with the man that I love.  I keep asking what ifs,  but that is only gonna make me crazy.  Anyone going through this or that has gone through please give me the encouraging words that will help.  I know that only time will tell and heal but I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to leave.  He would not try to stop me if that is my decision, not because he doesn't love me, but because he does.  He has often said that I deserved better and shouldn't have to live this way any longer.  He is right but that makes this harder.  I think of him finding someone in the future that will keep him sober and make him happy and wonder why wasn't that person me?  I have done everything I can to help him and now it is up to him.  He does not know that I am thinking of seperating but I don't want to drop that on him until he has completed 1month of his 3 mo treatment.  At least he will have in house support there to help him cope.  Sorry this has been so lengthy, but life changing situations aren't easy.