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door

I can't get thru a door (to stop drinking and living), I am a 50 yr old woman, have a 22 yr career, money issues are a great stress to me, failed relationships (probably due to alcohol) and not being on top of things. grown kids with issues, I know i have secluded myself many many times year after year at home probably binge drinking and avoiding things, looking at events I have attended I have been drunk, the list goes on and on and on and on.

I look back at pictures when my kid were little and I did not drink and wonder what happened to that woman. I did not crave beer. I loved that chapter and wish i could go back.

AA may not be for me, my dad has been in AA for about 15 yrs and I just do not think so. he was a violent drunk and very abusive to my mom ( they divorced when I was about 13, she was mentally ill, she passed in 1995)

I worry about my lack of discipline with not drinking (and smoking) stop ,start ,stop start. I know better but give in with every stupid thing that happens in life. I have a good sense of humor, am talented at decorating in home decor, adore my kids, and grandkids ( many family issues though as I said earlier). love gardening etc....    

I came across this site months ago, and could use it to find some self discipline but have not been able to. so I have no clue what to do. I do not want AA and do not want to do rehab,  can I do this on my own knowing I am a mess? I just ordered form amazon a book addiction and grace, I have not started it yet but hope it has some answers to my addictions (smoking, drinking).

if I make this site a part of of my life I do believe I can find hope, healing, and people who understand exactly what I am living ( a private hidden hell).   God leads us places !    

how do I start living again?  How do i become me again?  how do I become healthy again? I am out of control and I keep it very well hidden. But I am lonely and scared!    
17 Responses
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Amen and right on Ladies!:)
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
I think most of us were thin skinned in the early days.  I remember the anger i felt towards a couple people.  They hit a nerve and for that i am grateful.
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Avatar universal
I agree with ibizan.

Everyone is here to offer help and support and to suggest what might have worked for or helped themselves.  We don't know one another personally and therefore cannot make a 'personal' judgment against another.

as has been said, we should take what we can use and disregard what's not useful to us - a good outlook under any circumstance
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
i've read the posts that you interpret as harsh...I see nothing harsh @ them!There is VERY GOOD recovery here...recovery that has worked hard to get there and hasn't always had warm fuzzy's handed to them for that didn't get them....nor I better!I was very thin skinned in early recovery....and i realized the sting of others words to me were the reality i needed to hear!A wise person told me this 30 years ago when i was in detox.......the meaning of SOBER....S-on O-of B-eelzebub E-verythings R-eal!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I do not concur, sorry because I know what you are saying however that one post was not for me, and it was re-writing what I wrote as if I was whining. No I can not concur. Thanks though.
Helpful - 0
684676 tn?1503186663
sometimes anger can be a motivator, some of the feedback that i perceived as harsh actually helped me take an honest look at my role in my being an alcoholic and how much self sabotage i was doing to myself, and my manipulation of others so they would tell me what i wanted to hear....
and the cycle continued...
Helpful - 0
1622896 tn?1562364967
Hi please try and go through the Doors of AA , there you will find help and love from the Members ,God bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If you do not mean to sound harsh, then do Not re-write what one has written about THEIR story. It came off very condescending and not what I see out of this community. Tell your success story and how your life was drinking, then give  advise and support.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for your support too. I have mentioned I ordered the addiction and Grace book and it is very powerful ( for me ).  And I will not rule out an addiction counselor either, thanks for reminding me that is an option if need be. Hey I get this honestly if you know what I mean LOL. Thank You, and God Bless us all. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
wanted to let you know I started my "addiction and Grace" book I ordered......powerful  !!!!!!!!   I love it and between you and the support here I will surely get on the other side of this!!!!  Thanks and I'll be here. Very Busy at work so not on as much as I would like but will be here.
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Avatar universal
not meaning to be harsh this is for sure but it takes making a decision.. I apologize you see it that way. I was stuck in the waste land of my own addictions and had to make the same decision is all.. I do wish you well on your journey, take care. lesa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
and if you were able to wake up one morning and say I am done, done drinking and was able to do it and walked thru that door and never looked back, good for you !!!
everyone situation and personality and even level of addiction is different.
Dear 10356 its simply not that black and white !  that was a non support post you sent and it was ignorant to me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
ummmm yes I think I realize that. duhhhh to your response and your reply was a bit too harsh !!!  dont need that, thats for sure !!!!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal

how do I start living again?  How do i become me again?  how do I become healthy again? I am out of control and I keep it very well hidden. But I am lonely and scared!    

You stop drinking.. the alcohol is the cause of all this turmoil... You get up and walk thru that door and do not look back.. The rewards are your Life your Freedom and your Sanity your Health.. I was scared too We all were... I wish you a Good life, lesa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you so much, you are kind and compasionate about this matter. I will keep you posted on what is going on. I have much to say.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
Doing it your way got you here.  There is no shame in reaching out.  They have addiction counselors out there now so if AA isnt for you there are other options.  I drank whiskey from sun up to sundown, all the while trying to escape from myself and all my insecurities.  I was married and divorced 3 times and blamed them for the failed relationships.  Today that isnt the case.  I finally admitted i was powerless and things started to change.  Dealing with our skeletons is painful but the rewards far outweigh the other.  It has been many years since liquor touched this lips and just for today i am grateful.  You can change your life around.  You no longer have to be a prisoner to alcohol anymore~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know how you feel. I was working the job of my dreams and I was drinking my way out the door. Some guy at work told me he was in AA and if I need help to call him. I avoided that guy like the plague after that! I tried to do it on my own to no avail. My Doctor's answer was to give me barbiturates for sleep and tranquility (this was back in 1982). So I drank and took downers along with smoking weed. I simply found that my own thinking will never fix my own thinking. Alcoholism is a disease, not a matter of weak will. The bad part is the fact that drinking is only a mere symptom of a much larger malady. It's the tip of the iceberg. The remainder of the iceberg causes the drinking. It's physical, mental and spiritual. So, after 2 years I called the AA guy and he took me to a meeting. There I found that I had to change my thinking completely. I'm now honorably retired from that same job. The God thing in AA? The people at the meeting became my God. That was the extent of my spirituality back then. I had found that trying to stop on my own was like trying to pull myself up by my own proverbial bootstraps! In actuality, my life depended on stopping. In AA we find that the alcohol brings in all the members. We never ever needed to go to bars to recruit members. When all else fails they come.

Try everything you can to get your life back. But always remember there IS help when things really go downhill fast. I was just like you towards AA but was amazed when I went.  It really works.

As for this site, absolutely keep posting with us! I'm always here on both alcoholism and addiction because I'm both. I came here when I needed help and now I help others. Helping others helps us stay clean. This site is a real miracle. I'll keep watching this thread for you.
Helpful - 0
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