New to recovery and need support

[Charlie's girl]

Hi All.  For those of you that don't know my story.  I'm a stay at home mom with two young boys.  My husband travels a lot.  After I had my second son I became terribly depressed.  I started drinking heavily after I stopped nursing him at three months.  He is now 19 months.  Alcoholism is a vicious cycle.  You drink because it makes you feel better when you under stress or lonely.  Then it turns on you and makes you even more depressed and lonely so you drink more.  For many months I was waking up in the morning and drinking vodka or wine.  All day long I would drink.  My tolerance was so high that I didn't even seem like I was intoxicated.  Sometimes I would drink a fifth of vodka a day plus wine, or a magnum.  I did seek help here in oct. of 2007 and met some very helpful people.  Especially Ibizan.
On Monday this past week I decided that I need to change my life or I would die.  I entered outpatient detox plus therapy.  I haven't had a drink in six days.  I don't even want one.  I finally got to the point where I was over it.  I never thought that day would come and I thank god that it did.  
Now I'm struggling with everyday life without my crutch.  I went to dinner last night and only drank water and hot tea.  That was fine and I was so proud of myself.  Then today my husband wanted to go to the Zoo for this music festival with the kids.  I decided to stay home.  I'm sitting home feeling sorry for myself because I thought it wouldn't be any fun without the booze.  
I just need some support.  This isn't easy but I'm determined to conquer this demon.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself.  I want to be able to have fun without it.  I guess with time that will come.

Thanks,
Charlie

[ibizan]

great comments and so true...do u live with ppl who shove alcohol in ur face when ur trying 2 stay sober?yeegads.....if so can u move?thank God for ur mom.....oh the love of a mother!

[s123]

Very good morning to you from the UK.

I spent a good deal of last night reading the thread from October, which I found massively helpful as I'm sure others have.  I've just seen you're back, Charlie.  Thanks for sharing your progress, with all its ups and downs.  So good to see you're still up for the challenge.

Just to wish you all the best day you can have!

[darceerenee]

I forgot to say after " stop yourself"  realize that sobriety is what you want, because you have become a slave to alcohol, and even, (and I am sure you realize it's no longer fun) you take a drink it won't end until your drunk 3 days or even just an hour.  Just stop and ask yourself "WHY"? "WHY do I feel I need this drink or shot?"  Do I feel unconfidnet,  am I afraid that someone will notice th shakes, the anxiety or the fact that my eyes only look at the beer's and wine that everyone else is drinking and they all are looking me and judging me.  I have noticed with my family they try to shove It im my face that they can drink and I cannot.  Well except for my most loving mother.  I could tell my story but it takes to long.  The fact is we all drink just because we don't like who we are, and alcohol makes us like who we are, (regardless of our history), but then the cycle begins because we feel guilty for drinking ane then to tryh to hide that emotion we drink again, just because the weaker we are the more we hate ourselves and the more we drink.

[darceerenee]

I know it's hard to face yourself in the mirror without a drink.  I have been there ....the morning eye opener the friend that stabs you in the back but makes it all worth while in the inibrated mind...... the shakes , the insominia, the post partum depression, the any exuse fight, anything to make you not feel anxious, and the anxiety the depression, everything you don't want to face.  Especially the fact that you failed.  That you WANT NEED an are going to get at any and all cost's that SHOT.  You don't want to call the sponser because you want the drink more than you want to hear the preach, because no words can take away that fact that at that moment in time you want that shot more than you want anything.  The one thing that has helped me through everything is FORGIVENESS.    Don't let yourself feel like a failure ever.  Even if you fall Pick yourself back up and remind yourself you are only human.  If you give in tomorrow is another day to start over.  One day at a time is not enough in the alcoholic mind, it's one minute at a time.  Count to 60.. that's one more minute sober and that is what count's.  Don't beat yourself up just because you are human, we are all fallible, and far from perfect.

[ibizan]

what a society we live in...alcohol everywhere!how sad....a microbrewfest at the zoo?the zoo is for kids!or does the zoo want to up its attendance by having alcohol there?these ppl are driving children for God's sake!U were wise not to go girl!Maybe u should take the Librium as directed...it will help with the sweating and the anxiety.Glad ur taking it at nite.Campral is not a benzo..will not make u feel sleepy...google it and read about how it combats the excess glutamate in ur brain that alcohol creates which causes craving.So glad ur in that program and u need to call the sponsor....thats what their there for!

[Charlie's girl]

Hi!  Thanks for your responses.  I didn't go to the Zoo.  It was a brew fest.  I just thought it would be to difficult to be around at this point in my recovery.  It was a family event but with music, a children's play area and samples of microbrews all over the place.  I'm happy now that I didn't go.  It was good for my husband to get some alone time with my four year old.  
The program that I'm in is great.  I have been in everyday to see a nurse for librium.  I'm supposed to take as needed.  They say twice a day if needed.  I really haven't needed it.  I thought for sure that I would go through full blown physical withdrawl but it hasn't been that bad.  I did take it for the first two days.  I experience sweating and anxiety.  It's gotten much better.  Now I just take it at night to sleep.  My last dose is tomorrow.  
I have been meeting with a councelor and will start group therapy next week along with AA.  I have to be there from 9am till noon twice a week now.  That lasts for eight weeks.  I will continue to see my councelor longer though.  Plus, I have a sponsor.  I almost called her today but I didn't.  I wasn't tempted to drink, just feeling down.  I'm sure they will suggest Campral.  TJack, what does it make you feel like.  Is it a relaxant or a benzo.  Does it make you sleepy?


It's nice to be back.  This time I'm serious.  Thanks guys.

Charlie

[TJack]

Look up Campral on your computer.  It is really helping me.  Takes away the craving for alcohol.  I look at it like this i'll take all the help i can get.  From the good Lord, from AA, from my therapist and from the great compassionate people on here.  The campral does help.  Ask you Doc about it.  You are so wise to quit now and not wait till you're old and so many things to regret!  Hang in there Hon.  God Bless,  TJ

[ibizan]

Funny u mention that...theres never a point where it doesn't enter ur mind.....yesterday i was at a art opening for a 90 yr.old artist..incredible man...still rides his bike around town...and in his studio daily......their were all these oer doerves...i know i botched that spelling...and this big wet juicy looking punch bowl with red punch lemons and two huge magnums of wine aside it.....i was thirsty...it looked good....yes after 24 years it still looked good!but i left cuz the place was too damn crowded and a few ppl wouldn't move their bods from 3 paintings i wanted to see!grr......i had a big cold bottle of glaceau fruit punch in the car!it was very good!24 years ago i woulda planted myself at that punch bowl and not cared how many glasses all saw me down!change is good!

[working dog]

it's good to see you back...i know what you mean about the no fun doing stuff without alcohol..but i have to say in time that goes away...and then becomes so much better without the drink..i think the first 3 months are so hard..the physical and mental withdrawals get mixed together and it's tough...you'll start having a much better time with your familly...i do remember times when my kids would play sports after drink time and i wouldn't go...it's nice now to be free from all that but i am still coming to the forum to stay up with things...get support..and try to help others with this problem....it does get easier in time...although i don't think you ever get to the point where it doesn't enter your mind...good luck and hope you stay with it....billy

[ibizan]

is it too late to run after them and go to the zoo?they don't serve alcohol at the zoo do they?or would u get primed b4 u went?r u attending a support group as part of the outpatient program?i sure hope so for u cannot do this alone as u know.....and how about a parent support group for the boys?being sober and handling them opens up a whole new arena....overwhelming no doubt even moreso now!