alcoholic mother in law

[DevilsDoor]

Hi all, new to this forum but not to medhelp.

My mother in law is 61 tomorrow and Im not sure how to describe her, whether its alcoholic, recovering alcoholic or binge drinker.  She used to be alcohol dependent, got off the drink herself about 17 months ago, became a lot nicer person, health improved, etc etc.  For perhaps the past 10 months she has been drinking on a friday and saturday night and over the past 3 months between herself and her nephew they have drank over 600 cans.  Her health is going down hill again, she has turned into the most vile, nasty, vicious person Ive ever met. She verbally abuses my husband (who has his own addiction problems and doing very well with them - been drug free for 32 months), she doesnt think she is doing anything wrong and if she wants to Effing well drink she will.  Her nose has turned blue, my husband is in despair, Im being blamed for him not going to visit when the truth of it is, neither of us want to be around her and we dont want our children around her either.
I personally am at my wits end, because the position my husband is in, is unfair, mother forcing him to choose her or his wife and kids, fighting his own demons, trying to look after me (I suffer chronic depression/anxiety plus 3 shoulder surgeries and going into hospital in 2 weeks), 2 unwell children, plus my parents are ill as well.
I guess im just looking for support, answers, what can we do, what cant we do, coz we both know there is no talking to a drunk, no reasoning with one, same as we know she has to want to stop.

[TJack]

No word from you.  How are things going over there?  Please update. tjack

[TJack]

Drop the devils door and go to Heaven Door.  Oh HOW much better. Of course this is just a suggestion.  May not be your thing, but i won't apologize.  I love the Lord and he creamed the Devil>>>  So who has the power?  keep up updating.  We care about you.
Love and hugs, tJack

[DevilsDoor]

The nickname is one Ive used for years in chatrooms, taken from the expression, dont come knocking on the devils doors, so its not really a *down* nick.  Im determined not to go back to that dark place of self harm again, its just my demon to fight, same as an addict fights theres to not drink or use drugs, mine is not to cut myself.  It just used to help give reason to why I felt so bad, noone sees mental pain.  Kitty seems to be doing ok at moment, she goes back to the vets tomorrow (tuesday) and I will know more then.  Im not backing down over my hubbys family, they can rot in **** for all I care.

Yesssssss its raining, non stop for nearly 2 days now and is it depressing, only positive thing about it is, the other cats wont wander far from home.
Youve got ya hands full for a while Terry, good luck to ya. and thanks a lot to both of you, you have no idea how much it means to have support and other people to talk to.
Love to you both, Carey

[BANDIDA]

Got to see my Dad and have my Scruffy dog for the next 3 wks. I thought it was only for 1 but no biggy! She has already figured out the Doggy-Cat doors so as long as the garage door is closed she can come and go as she pleases. The cats are in hiding at the moment I'm sure they will all come around. Our House is a very very fine house with 3 cats in the yard and doggy too life used to be so hard (I know the doggy part was not in it)LaLLLALAALALAAAA...Remember that song? Great post to Carey!!!! I hope she sticks around with us!!! I am sure Ibi will be around to put her 2 cents in....And I mean it in the best way!!!!! Hi Ibizan what up Lady??? Help us out here!!!! Luv all you ladies xxxooo Terry

[TJack]

How are things acorss the pond today?  Will your husband sit down and speak with you about all of this>?In a civil manner.  You probably should if you haven't lay it all out for him and let him know you have to protect yourself because you DO NOT want to go to that DARK place you were before.  Hang in there Hon.  Keep updating us on everything and the kitty as well.  I am on the other side of the US in Oregon.  Nice rainy weather, the last few days.  You would probably feel right at home, or has your rain started yet in the UK?
Bandida will be watching out for you>>that's just how she is.  WE have lots of good ones on this site.  Great support!  I am here too.  Big HUGS, Tonya

[BANDIDA]

First like TJack said we need for you to drop this negative name that you chose! You are so much above it!  I had a feeling that you were cutting yourself, I just didn't want to say it. I got tremendous goosebumps when I read your last post. Pleeese I am asking you as a new friend NOT to do that to yourself again! It won't make things any better. I just want to say what ever you choose you know what is in your heart and darn it if it means leaving then so be it. Just know that from across the miles you have friends to help and support you!  I myself was in an abusive marriage to a Monster for 14 years....I blame my alcoholism on the Demon I was married to. That was how I coped...it was wrong I know now. And I am a better person today because I have risen above that ****!!!!! I hope your kitty is okay sounds like she had a heck of a winger! I have 3 of my own and today my Dad is bringing up my ex-doggy for the week while he goes hunting. I am really excited and anxious to see them both. Carey please stay in touch with me!!! My prayers and thoughts are with you!!! Wish I could give you a Humongous HUG right now!!!  Lot's of Love Terry

[DevilsDoor]

Yes both, it means Ive cut myself in the past have a history of doing it since I was about 12 years old and Im 36 in 9 days time.  Im determined not to let myself go back there, but those feelings lurk at the back of my mind all the time.  Right now Im sick of everything, husband especially, if he wants to be abused by his family fine, his choice, if he wants to become like them, wonderful he can but I'll be at the lawyers earliest opportunity and divorcing him, Im not going through anymore.  Im fed up of having no support at home yet expected to give everything.

Thankyou both, hugs and all the best

Carey

[TJack]

First off, we need to rename you.  Something happier :<)  How about Heavens door?
Anyway, i just want to comment on what Bandida said.  Please do not go back to any old habits.  What did you do to yourself in the past?  Cut yourself?  My therapist asked me the other day if I had ever done that.  No, thank the LORD.  Never crossed my mind.
Pain Pills and booze were enough of a downfall for this gal.  Please hang in here with us.  Keep posting.  I am concerned also for your husband.  You say he has been clean and sober for 32 mos., i believe i read.  He doesn't need to be under this sort of pressure either, but suppose he has to figure that out on his own.  Wish you both the best and the kitty and the kids as well.  Hugs, TJ

[BANDIDA]

Hello Dear,I believe that you did the right thing by not exposing yourself to anymore DRAMA!!! However I am a bit troubled by your statement about being a self harmer? Does that mean that you hurt yourself physically? If that is the case PLEEEEEZE don't!!!!!! We are all here for you and will talk and walk you thru your troubles!!!! I can tell you are a strong woman so just keep it together and let's work this thru!!!! My Luv and Prayers are with you....God Bless!!! Terry

[DevilsDoor]

Thankyou so much both of you, current situation stands at, husband has gone to visit his mother on his own due to it being her birthday, I refuse to go, dont want to go, dont want to speak to her, associate with her or anyone else within that circle because Im just not going to be abused in anyway I spent 15 years in an abusive relationship with a drug addict, so Im going to be damned to hell if I spend any time now being abused by anyone.

TJack, cat is very ill, her wounds have collapsed due to infection and she is on 3 lots of antibiotics plus painkillers, going 3 times a week to the vets to have them cleaned etc.  My life right now is total chaos and I honestly cant deal with anymore hassle, Im a self harmer and fighting damn hard not to fall back into doing that and right now its just what I really want to do, at least then you can make sense of why things hurt.  But I wont, Ive far to much to fight for, love my kids to bits they are my world and my cats come a very close second.
Im expecting hubby to come back from his mothers, wound up because other family members will be there drinking and things will be said and so far Ive kept quiet because Ive not wanted to cause my hubby any problems, but time is running out and I wont keep quiet forever.  Kids and pets cant take care of themselves least of all when they are ill and if SHE as a grown woman cant take care of herself without bleating then ive no sympathy, Im no slave, no emotional punchbag and now Im that upset and angry Im crying.

Thankyou so much both of you

Carey

[TJack]

Fortnight and mobiles>> (<: I can almost hear you speaking and i love it.  Just wanted to say that.  Bandida is so right.  Take care of you and yours and how is you cat?  Hoping for a full recovery. Hugs, TJack

[BANDIDA]

All I can say is STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!  I truly believe you are headed in the right direction!!!! Take and keep control of your domain!!! It is yours and not for others to infringe on!!! I'll be around till about noon today and will keep an eye on whats happening. Let it go to the Higher Power!!! You will be amazed at the difference it makes!!!!!! Luv Terry

[DevilsDoor]

Thankyou for the welcome, I also read and post on the substance abuse forum, mainly to look for answers and possible help for my husband.  Both of these have been a godsend because for once in my life I dont feel so alone.  Im angry that a 61 year old woman can treat her son like she is doing, but I guess like drug abuse, alcohol abuse takes control and you hurt those around you that love you most.  I feel for my husband, because I wont push him to make a choice between his mother and me/kids, if she wants to force his hand on that score, then on her head.  I just wont put myself or the kids in her vile firing line of abuse.  Im even considering changing our phone number and not letting her have it, because she will ring all unearthly times, just to abuse my husband or myself, laying every type of emotional guilt trip possible on us.  For example this week, we havent been to visit because one of our cats got literally ripped in half by 2 greyhounds a fortnight ago today, we have spent many hours travelling backwards and forwards from the vets, not to mention hospital appointments for ourselves, running a home, caring for our 2 kids etc and because we didnt call in last night (friday) did we get the abuse on the phone, ended up having to turn the phone off and our mobiles as well, then a mutual friend appeared at gone 10.30pm saying if he hadnt come, alcoholic cousin was going to come and find out why we were ignoring them all, ya know what the hell?? we had rang them to say, sorry we cant make it tonight because..... but fell on drunken ears.  Its mother in laws bd today and Ive refused point blank to take the kids and go see her, Ive got to the point I dont want to know

[BANDIDA]

TJack is right!!!! You have way to much on your plate right now!  You need to take care of you 1st and your immediate family!!! In your words sorry but leave the B-----h to herself!!! Sounds to me like she enjoys being miserable and making others miserable as well. Life is hard enough without someone trying to make it worse. You can not change her until she is ready to see herself for what she is!!! Let it go! I commend you for your strength and I urge you not to give up on yourself!!! You need to seek out a group in your community for al-anon and maybe from there you can find connection to other sources such as a mental health resource facility. I feel for you and please stay in touch with us!!! We are a great bunch of people!!!!! WELCOME TO THE COMMUNITY!!!

[DevilsDoor]

Hi and thanks for replying, Im not sure myself how Im coping with everything right now, its a constant struggle and I feel at times Im losing the battle.  Im a lucky person that Ive never turned to drink, drugs etc to get me through the bad times, I dont have an addictive personality but believe me there has been moments Ive wished I could drink, take drugs, anything to numb how Ive been feeling, although I guess in some ways what Ive done to deal with it is equally as bad, as Im a self harmer.  The mother in law is such a *** instead of giving the husband support, she throws it back in his face, instead of praising him for how well he has done, she puts him down.  Instead of facing up to the fact she has an alcohol problem, she tries to justify it, in her eyes, a drug addict is worse than an alcoholic, in my eyes they both are the same, and to get clean/dry you have to admit to having a problem, then want to do something about it.  Im lost, depressed and just want to give up with everything

[boogieman]

hi. i didn't see your post until i responded to your note. have you guys tried al-anon? please stay in touch---tj and others here are good people to have on your side!  gm

[TJack]

Hi there.  Welcome to this forum.  I am so sorry for all you are dealing with.  Sounds like overload to me.  I do know one thing, the only one we have any control over is ourselves.  We can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.  She doesn't want help by the sounds of it.  You have your plate full with you, your husband and your children.  Can't see you handling anymore than that, unless you were Superwoman.
Bless your heart I just wish you all the best.  I dont' know what your faith is, but i try to go one day at a time and Give it to GOD.  Hugs to you. TJ