20 and by myself all summer long

[Daniel_John]

Hi. Im writing this to find out if my problems are serious or something that I just have to live with. Im 20 years old and Im living at home this summer. I dont really like hanging out with my friends because I find it hard to have fun. When Im in social situations its hard on me because Im constantly trying to act normal and think of normal things to say. It doesnt work very well.

I can usually sense the tension in conversation and I can see I make the other person uncomfortable because they can tell Im really uncomfortable, nervous, shy, etc. which makes them uneasy. It gives other people the impression that I dont want to talk to them (which, honestly, I dont because it stresses me out haha) and they go away thinking Im not a pleasant person (which perhaps Im not but I want to be). At work this leaves me emotionally drained, feeling inadequate, and reminding me of my complete social handicaptedness.

I feel alienated from many of my relatives because when I see them I feel the increased expectancy of having jolly conversation and this pressure makes me retreat further into my shell. I just sit there and try to be the best listener I can be but when I have to talk what comes out is just a train wreck of words. I feel completely comfortable and at ease at home because none of these pressures exist but I know I cant stay here forever and I know that my problems are (and have been ever since I can remember) affecting my relationships with relatives, the few friends I have, and making it so I dread going to work, encountering pretty girls, meeting new people, etc.

Sorry for the length of this but has anyone experienced this kind of thing for a long time and gotten better? Or just found a way to be the same person but not feel bad about the way they are around people?

Thanks,

Dan

[nursegirl6572]

Sounds like you are suffering with some degree of social anxiety.  You are hyper-aware of others around you, and have convinced yourself that whomever you are talking to is being judgemental of what you have to say....or of YOU in general.  I promise you this isn't the case.  We are always going to be our own worst critics.

Even in the event of a full blown panic attack (for us PA sufferers) where we think everyone around us thinks we're nuts...most people aren't even aware that it is happening.  that's how "unaware" most people are of others...it's reality.

I think some talk therapy and some assertiveness classes will fix this right up for you.  You are young and feeling out the world for the first time as an adult, really.  It is a scary and unsure time.  You just need to grow some confidence and learn to realize that you are an interesting person with interesting things to say to other people.  You have to learn how not to focus so much on worrying about what others are thinking.  There will always be those who judge you (even though most won't)...you just need to learn how to tell yourself that those people don't matter...and you need to surround yourself with supportive people who share your interests.

[silverberg]

Well first you need to realize EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!! I am a person who is known as a "Stranger to noone" because I can talk to anyone and usually do! I have met many people like you (so you are NOT unique) I say this because, you really need to know that It is OK to just be a listener! without people like you I would not get to hear myself so much!! Please don't think I am taking your situation lightly, I am not, I just want you to know, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE IS BE YOURSELF, if this is you, so be it! there are many different people out there. I see from your other post you have met a girl (we do not need to get into that, that is not for this forum) So that tells me you have to have some social skills, I have met guys and girls who not only can't talk to people, but can't even have a relationship, no less a one nighter. My point is , lighten up on your self, I am not really even sure if your question is for this forum?  Do you have Panic Attacks or continued Anxiety that interfers with your life?? are you on meds? seeing A Dr. medical or Psych?

At 20 try going to different places where people meet, open restuarants, bars, (this is just to observe and see the many different people and how they interact with each other, you may even want to go to any self help group, just to listen, see how people open up.