always terrified

[cursedbyzed]

I have never done this before but i am so lost if i was'nt so covinced i'd go to hell i would kill myself. I am a big guy 6"4 310 pounds and i suffer from terrifying spells of social anxiety. I have pretty much tried all the ssri's out there and they only work a little more than a month before i am taking the drug just to keep the brain zaps away. I dont have insurance can't afford it so i have to go to a free clinic. The clinic helps because i think i would be dead if it were'nt for them but they just give me the next in line ssri then send me on my way. They have an attitude like its free so what do you want from us. I cannot even look a child in the eyes and adults forget it. What is so bad is that my mouth twitching and blank stare along with trembling voice invite even more uncomfortable stares of uneasiness from who ever I'm dealing with. This amplifies my already worsening state, by the way i should mention i am a front desk man at a hotel. This is the only job i have ever had for over a year and i am 41 years old. I am scared that i am going to lose my job one day because there is no middle ground with me. Either i am in flight or fight mode but its usually flight. I seem to attract every guy that wants to act tough or test himself against me or some loud rude person that notices my timid reactions to them. Everyone has this attitude like he's so big why would he be scared of anything, but i am afraid of everything and i have never been able to understand it. I feel robbed of life because the few times i have had a break when my medicine was working my social life flourishes. Those good times have been limited during the experience of me fearing the return of my sickness which always return. I am afraid or frustrated while alone constantly replaying situations where i could have handled things better or not like such a coward. I have tried everything working out non stop diet group therapy, and i always return dragged back to the miserable state of hating myself. My condition brings out the worst traits in me frustration, irritation, cowardice, anger, and denial. I don't know how to escape or hide it much longer. How can i get rid of this constant paralyzing fear especially around people, it is the root of all my problems.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello there!  I feel for you, most of us know exactly how you feel.  We've been there too.

It's frustrating that you haven't found a med that really works for you.  When the meds have stopped working, has the doctor ever suggested a dosage increase?  Very possibly, due to your size, you may require a higher than average dose to maintain you.  I would give that a try.  Also, have you ever tried therapy?  CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy is a great form of therapy for people with anxiety disorders.  If you haven't tried that yet, I would recommend asking the doc for a referral.

In the meantime, there are many books you can read that may help shed some light on the processes of anxiety, and things you can do yourself to help manage your anxiety levels.  One book I highly recommend is "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"...also, anything by the author Claire Weekes (sp?).  She has written some phenomenal books about anxiety.

Please let us know how you're doing, and if you ever feel you are in danger of harming yourself, please seek help right away.  Suicide is never the answer, even when you're feeling down and hopeless, there is always an alternative.  We are here for you!  You are not alone in this.

[mammo]

Hi......I'm sorry for how you are feeling and sharing with us was a big step in the right direction.  If the clinic you go to offers therapy, take advantage of it, I feel it would help you a lot. I also feel you need something for anxiety, so talk to them about this.  When you are being approached by someone take a deep breath in thru your nose and out of your mouth, several times if able and even while speaking with someone. I feel you can get better with being able to socialize more easily.  It's about baby steps, force yourself to look a child in the eye, then progress to adults.....every little thing you do to overcome your fear takes you one step closer to doing better.  Try to smile, and people will respond to that and if they don't....don't take it personally.  They may have something serious going on in their lives and their mind is elsewhere, but a smile will carry someone far and they will remember you for this.  The more you practice the easier it will get!  Some people are walking around with a chip on their shoulder and they take it out on everyone....when this happens don't let it get you riled up, the more professional you remain the better.  Don't over-think your actions, you sound very bright and although you struggle with social anxiety.....don't constantly second guess yourself.  Yes, it's always good to think about how we responded to someone if we felt we didn't handle quite right...but learn from it...move on and let it go.  Look at it this way, for 41 years your social anxiety has done nothing for you, so why not try the opposite?  Start putting yourself out there, little by little.  When passing anyone always make eye contact and say "hi..good morning" etc.  You sound like a great person so don't hate yourself and stop feeding yourself negative thoughts.  You are who you are and people will accept and love you for that, but you have to open yourself up in order for this to happen.  Start in grocery stores by making eye contact with the cashier, and they always ask how you are...so smile and respond and move on to asking them they same.  Most people are friendly and even the maddest looking person enjoys a brief conversation while waiting in line.  You can say something about the weather, ask about a particular item they are purchasing (even if not interested) ask if it's good as you've been thinking about trying it.  I know it's scary, but I promise you the more you do these things the more outgoing you will become.  You're a good person so stop hating yourself and realize all the good qualities you possess!  Being closed up hasn't helped you in any way, so try to put yourself out there and see what happens, it can't be any worse and I feel it will make you happier and more self-confident.  Just remember it's baby steps, and what you have to say is important...you held this job for a year so you obviously know your stuff!  I wish you all the very best and we're always here for you!!!

[phillips10]

i only had slight social anxiety id get all hot and sweaty at thought of being in shop id feel faint and have panic attack, i cant imagine what your going through and dont have any magic cure, however i can tell you your not alone in this. i have 2 young kids and find the distraction from them when im out gets me through i almost stop realising im panicking as im chasing them round, maybe you should start of small and try and new hobby, get involved in something that distracts your attention but also socialising as well gradually you will build up and realise your not so anxious, then maybe that will help you in other situations, it will be hard and you will need to take baby steps but might be worth it in long run. sorry i havent helped much. good luck.