Aa
all in my head - part II
Stuck it out, love the job and in Nov 2006, start MS Environmental Engineering program. On-line based with required on-campus visits. I'm working 60+ hrs/wk and taking 8 credits/quarter so the stress is pretty high - however i am managing. Got married October 2007 was was happy as hell. We had great 1st XMAS as husband and wife and I'm really looking forward to life together, including kids. Went on honeymoon to Antigua third week Feb 2008. I'm not a great flier, so Dr prescribed me 0.25 mg Xanax to ehlp relax. I took one on way down and 1.5 on flight home. Had to make emergency landing ~40 min after departing from San Juan. At this point, my anxiety level is high as hell. Eventually made it to Antigua on a Saturday nite and I relaxed pretty well until Wednesday nite. We had fresh seafood and wild mushrooms for dinner and that nite I felt all outta sorts, could not sleep and mind racing for hours. Finally got to sleep and was OK the rest of h-moon.
Two week after return home, I'm at break between school quarters and am visiting a NH facility where I manage the EHS functions. During meeting, just before lunch, I have what I think was a panic attack that turned on like a switch with no apparent trigger. Throat tight, facial muscle constriction, difficulty breathing, etc - the de-realization feeling all over again. My boss drove home that night and I was terribly over-aware of every little thing. If he swerved the car, I felt like we were going off the road - my body was exhausted from clenching and bracing for 4 hrs home.
New school quarter started the following week and extremely stressful. This is the same time my father tells me the doctor think my mother may have early onset of Parkinson's and I'm preparing to host an international corporate meeting end of April. Probably spent 30 - 40 hrs week on classes outside of the 55-60 I was working at my normal job. Was experiencing these panic episodes 1-2 times/wk after returning from NH and felt like I just couldn't concentrate on anything. Developed a bad sinus infection that Zpak did not touch and was prescribed Levaquin thereafter. Dr. also prescribed 0.25 mg Xanax 3x daily for the panic/anxiety attacks. I only took 1/2 a pill in AM & PM for 3 days, then only in PM for about 5 days then stopped. I noticed when driving home from work that I was starting to have double-vision and attributed it to computer glare. It got worse to the point that I could not focus on the TV for >3 seconds w/o having to turn away or blink to refocus. Closing my R-eye alleviated the problems. I had a bad anxiety at a training seminar I was at on March 20th and it lasted all day.
I was sick as hell (sinus, flu and 2x-vision) at the corporate meetings and went home a day early. While driving, I had what I think was panic attack (tight throat, rapid breathig, sweaty feet/hands, etc) which lasted for ~40 minutes - it was awful. I got home, grabbed some food and went to bed. Being with my wife helped bring relief. Slept for almost 4 days straight to attempt to catch up on rest, but still experiencing the 2x-vision. Called my opthamologist 4/29 and was in office 4/30 - diagnosed with strabismus of R-eye crossing inwards and prescribed prismatic lens. 5/3 was a very bad day - felt so off-kilter and lightheaded that I wanted to pass out.
First full week of May was a required on-campus visit and my last since classes will be complete this quarter. I was excited to be near the end, but apprehensive to go due to double-vision (new lenses arrived day after I left). Driving was OK, but when I got near campus, became really anxious. Felt light headed and the walk from car to building - felt like I was going to pass out. Going up the stairs was the worst - felt like I would faint at any moment. Class over and back to hotel. I felt REALLY alone and started to experience vertigo type attack. Paced constantly until wife called which helped ease my mind. Took 0.125 mg Xanax and went home immediately the next AM.
Got my new lenses 5/7, which thankfully corrected the double vision. I was upbeat because of this and was looking forward to work on Friday 5/9.
5/8 was a very bad day and a really low one for me. I was in the home office and became very emotional and just started crying for no apparent reason. Took no Xanax though.
5/9 - still looking forward to work, however, as soon as got out of bed, became very nervous - actually, as soon as I wake up, the "what ifs" starting running. Got into office and could not focus at all and wanted to go home immediately, but stuck it out and ended up working until 5:45. Felt a feeling of satisfaction thereafter. very tired though - the wife & I slept almost 12 hrs
5/10 - stayed busy and did some yard work around the house, had a nice dinner and watched movie. felt like accomplished something again. went to parents house later that nite and actually felt relaxed for the first time in a while
5/11 - we went to chruch and I had terrible anxiety while walking thru the doors. the people moving around, the pipe organ and all the visual and audio stimuli was overwhelming and I had a panic attack which lasted ~3 minutes. we went did some light shopping afterwards and in the stores, the stocked shelves of mixed pattern visual stimuli make me turn my head away as I cannot focus and am queasy. 2nd day w/o 0.125 Xanax and the afternoon, I become extremely frustrated when wife asks me what i think is causing the anxiety. I cannot pinpoint it and began shouting 'what the hell is wrong with me?' My father comes down after to talk to me and I take 0.125 mg Xanax and get calmed down pretty well about 7:15 pm. Slept from 10 pm until 5:30 am pretty well with only one time getting up.
5/12
as soon as awoke, the mind started racing again, so took 0.125 mg when i got out of bed. went to work and although moved a little slowly in the AM, got quite a bit done, but am now feeling apprehensive about going home since there will be idle time where my mind can wander.
I apologize for the documentary, but thought it'd be helpful to know the whole story. I have a threapist appt Wed 5/14 and am really hopeful I can work things out with CBT and get off the drugs completely as the Xanax w/d symptoms scare the hell out of me. I forgot to mention that mental illness runs in family - paternal uncle is bipolar and sister is manic depressive.
My best wishes to all of us enduring this living hell and remain strong.
Two week after return home, I'm at break between school quarters and am visiting a NH facility where I manage the EHS functions. During meeting, just before lunch, I have what I think was a panic attack that turned on like a switch with no apparent trigger. Throat tight, facial muscle constriction, difficulty breathing, etc - the de-realization feeling all over again. My boss drove home that night and I was terribly over-aware of every little thing. If he swerved the car, I felt like we were going off the road - my body was exhausted from clenching and bracing for 4 hrs home.
New school quarter started the following week and extremely stressful. This is the same time my father tells me the doctor think my mother may have early onset of Parkinson's and I'm preparing to host an international corporate meeting end of April. Probably spent 30 - 40 hrs week on classes outside of the 55-60 I was working at my normal job. Was experiencing these panic episodes 1-2 times/wk after returning from NH and felt like I just couldn't concentrate on anything. Developed a bad sinus infection that Zpak did not touch and was prescribed Levaquin thereafter. Dr. also prescribed 0.25 mg Xanax 3x daily for the panic/anxiety attacks. I only took 1/2 a pill in AM & PM for 3 days, then only in PM for about 5 days then stopped. I noticed when driving home from work that I was starting to have double-vision and attributed it to computer glare. It got worse to the point that I could not focus on the TV for >3 seconds w/o having to turn away or blink to refocus. Closing my R-eye alleviated the problems. I had a bad anxiety at a training seminar I was at on March 20th and it lasted all day.
I was sick as hell (sinus, flu and 2x-vision) at the corporate meetings and went home a day early. While driving, I had what I think was panic attack (tight throat, rapid breathig, sweaty feet/hands, etc) which lasted for ~40 minutes - it was awful. I got home, grabbed some food and went to bed. Being with my wife helped bring relief. Slept for almost 4 days straight to attempt to catch up on rest, but still experiencing the 2x-vision. Called my opthamologist 4/29 and was in office 4/30 - diagnosed with strabismus of R-eye crossing inwards and prescribed prismatic lens. 5/3 was a very bad day - felt so off-kilter and lightheaded that I wanted to pass out.
First full week of May was a required on-campus visit and my last since classes will be complete this quarter. I was excited to be near the end, but apprehensive to go due to double-vision (new lenses arrived day after I left). Driving was OK, but when I got near campus, became really anxious. Felt light headed and the walk from car to building - felt like I was going to pass out. Going up the stairs was the worst - felt like I would faint at any moment. Class over and back to hotel. I felt REALLY alone and started to experience vertigo type attack. Paced constantly until wife called which helped ease my mind. Took 0.125 mg Xanax and went home immediately the next AM.
Got my new lenses 5/7, which thankfully corrected the double vision. I was upbeat because of this and was looking forward to work on Friday 5/9.
5/8 was a very bad day and a really low one for me. I was in the home office and became very emotional and just started crying for no apparent reason. Took no Xanax though.
5/9 - still looking forward to work, however, as soon as got out of bed, became very nervous - actually, as soon as I wake up, the "what ifs" starting running. Got into office and could not focus at all and wanted to go home immediately, but stuck it out and ended up working until 5:45. Felt a feeling of satisfaction thereafter. very tired though - the wife & I slept almost 12 hrs
5/10 - stayed busy and did some yard work around the house, had a nice dinner and watched movie. felt like accomplished something again. went to parents house later that nite and actually felt relaxed for the first time in a while
5/11 - we went to chruch and I had terrible anxiety while walking thru the doors. the people moving around, the pipe organ and all the visual and audio stimuli was overwhelming and I had a panic attack which lasted ~3 minutes. we went did some light shopping afterwards and in the stores, the stocked shelves of mixed pattern visual stimuli make me turn my head away as I cannot focus and am queasy. 2nd day w/o 0.125 Xanax and the afternoon, I become extremely frustrated when wife asks me what i think is causing the anxiety. I cannot pinpoint it and began shouting 'what the hell is wrong with me?' My father comes down after to talk to me and I take 0.125 mg Xanax and get calmed down pretty well about 7:15 pm. Slept from 10 pm until 5:30 am pretty well with only one time getting up.
5/12
as soon as awoke, the mind started racing again, so took 0.125 mg when i got out of bed. went to work and although moved a little slowly in the AM, got quite a bit done, but am now feeling apprehensive about going home since there will be idle time where my mind can wander.
I apologize for the documentary, but thought it'd be helpful to know the whole story. I have a threapist appt Wed 5/14 and am really hopeful I can work things out with CBT and get off the drugs completely as the Xanax w/d symptoms scare the hell out of me. I forgot to mention that mental illness runs in family - paternal uncle is bipolar and sister is manic depressive.
My best wishes to all of us enduring this living hell and remain strong.
Hi
You are going to study Environmental Engineering? That sounds great. I did a degree in Environmental Studies and am extremely aware that there have to be more folks who incorporate the environment into their studies and/or work.
You got some good advice from those who responded to your post = )
Hope you will heal soon.
lonewolf
You are going to study Environmental Engineering? That sounds great. I did a degree in Environmental Studies and am extremely aware that there have to be more folks who incorporate the environment into their studies and/or work.
You got some good advice from those who responded to your post = )
Hope you will heal soon.
lonewolf
thanks so much to all of you for your support and kind words. i knew i was burning the candle at both ends, but just thought i could handle it - unfortunaltely as greenlydia stated, i almost pushed myself over the edge!
I'll be checking in daily hereafter and will be sure to keep everyone apprised of my progress. it is absolutely refreshing knowing a site like this exists where people can share experiences and help one another out. it's been a blessing for me.
I'll be checking in daily hereafter and will be sure to keep everyone apprised of my progress. it is absolutely refreshing knowing a site like this exists where people can share experiences and help one another out. it's been a blessing for me.
I think it's amazing that you accomplished so much while going through such hell. I'm sure with your perserverance you will make out fine. I know you are worried about becoming addicted to meds, but sometimes you can take the xanax on an as needed basis and an SSRI to even everything out. After a few weeks you may be able to drop the Xanax altogether. Also Buspar is a mild anti-anxiety drug that is not a controlled substance. It works for some people.
You've certainly been going through a rough time..........and I admire your strength and courage to "press on" even when things seemed were at their worst.
I'm happy to hear that you got the double vision problem solved, that was only adding more anxiety to the mix.
You describe many classic symptoms of anxiety/panic and you are doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing...........getting in with a therapist!
Since you state that you have a fear of Xanax and it's "addictive" quality, be sure you discuss, at length, any and all meds your therapist recommeds you take. Discuss them with your doctor as well and ask him about side effects and what the withdrawl process will entail once it's determined you no longer need them. There are many other medications out there for anxiety besides Xanax and it is your right to refuse any med you do not wish to take. If your doc seems to get upset by this, I recommend you run away and find a doc who understands the benzo and ADs better! Which is one reason I like to recommend psychiatrists to folks as they can prescribe the meds and then follow up how you're doing on them at each session. But a good therapist will work closely with you AND your doctor so it's a team effort.
I would recommend a good physical check up to rule out any physical causes for these symptoms so that when you begin therapy, you'll have a "clean slate" so to speak.
It sounds to me like you have a really excellent support network at home, so that is going to be a real plus in the days ahead.
In my totally unqualified opinion, it sounds to me, after reading about everything you've been doing which is way too much, that your anxiety has come about from all the stress you've been under with school and your job, toss in a really huge helping of sleep deprivation and probably not eating right and certainly not getting any "down time," I think you're just totally burned out! Some good therapy, some regular sleep, some exercise and down time with your wife and family and perhaps a soupcon of a very mild anti-anxiety or anti-depressant (or maybe both) for a SHORT period of time will soon have you back to your old self. You just pushed yourself too hard and nearly pushed yourself off the edge! I truly believe you're gonna be just fine when you get out of warp speed!
Keep us posted, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia
I'm happy to hear that you got the double vision problem solved, that was only adding more anxiety to the mix.
You describe many classic symptoms of anxiety/panic and you are doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing...........getting in with a therapist!
Since you state that you have a fear of Xanax and it's "addictive" quality, be sure you discuss, at length, any and all meds your therapist recommeds you take. Discuss them with your doctor as well and ask him about side effects and what the withdrawl process will entail once it's determined you no longer need them. There are many other medications out there for anxiety besides Xanax and it is your right to refuse any med you do not wish to take. If your doc seems to get upset by this, I recommend you run away and find a doc who understands the benzo and ADs better! Which is one reason I like to recommend psychiatrists to folks as they can prescribe the meds and then follow up how you're doing on them at each session. But a good therapist will work closely with you AND your doctor so it's a team effort.
I would recommend a good physical check up to rule out any physical causes for these symptoms so that when you begin therapy, you'll have a "clean slate" so to speak.
It sounds to me like you have a really excellent support network at home, so that is going to be a real plus in the days ahead.
In my totally unqualified opinion, it sounds to me, after reading about everything you've been doing which is way too much, that your anxiety has come about from all the stress you've been under with school and your job, toss in a really huge helping of sleep deprivation and probably not eating right and certainly not getting any "down time," I think you're just totally burned out! Some good therapy, some regular sleep, some exercise and down time with your wife and family and perhaps a soupcon of a very mild anti-anxiety or anti-depressant (or maybe both) for a SHORT period of time will soon have you back to your old self. You just pushed yourself too hard and nearly pushed yourself off the edge! I truly believe you're gonna be just fine when you get out of warp speed!
Keep us posted, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia
You should print off your 2 posts and take them to your therapist, it will help him/her to see your situation a little more.
I wish the best of luck to you with your treatment.
I wish the best of luck to you with your treatment.
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