If you just wanted to find someplace where people can "relate," you've most definitely come to the right place! Everybody here can relate to some aspect of your worries.
You most certainly have a great many issues on your plate as well as attending what you call a "HIGH" stress high school.
You say that "as my grades drop I tend to lose interest in everything I do and get kind of depressed." Do you know why your grades are dropping? Is the work just too hard (or too easy) or is it possibly the depression is keeping you from doing the studying you should?
You also say you have become increasingly sexually active. Is it possible that you're focus has shifted from school work to girls? Adding to that the CONSTANT worry you now have about HIV. If you are practicing safe sex each and every time, you have zero risk of contracting HIV and you can put that worry out of your mind.
If your goal is to become a sniper, I can understand your concern about your eyes. You say they are really red from contacts and that as the day progresses, your vision tends to get blurry. Perhaps you should consider giving up the contacts?
Last, you can't seem to stop worrying about health issues. This is called "health anxiety," which is the PC word for "hypochondria."
Your post just said you wanted to go some place where people could relate. You did not ask for any advice, so I'm not sure I should continue, but being the witch I am, I will.
We'll just take it from the top, OK?
1) Your grades. You say they're dropping, so that means either the work is too hard or your slacking off. You're the only one who knows the answer to that, so be honest with yourself. If you need help, it's there. Ask for it. I don't have a clue what it takes to become a sniper these days, but I bet they don't recruit from the bottom up. It's your life, it's your dream..........it's your decision.
2) Being sexually active/HIV concerns. Even though when I was in high school, writing on our stone tablets, teen-age boys had 4 things on their minds. Football, eating, girls and cars. Not always in that order, but after raising two boys of my own, those same four priorities were exactly the same. I could really get derailed on this subject, so I will be short and too the point. If you're going to have sex then you better grow up fast and learn that along with that pleasure comes a very great deal of responsibility on both the part of you and your partner. Times have changed and boys/men can and must absolutely NOT assume the girl/woman has the birth control covered...........because it's one hell of alot more than just "birth control" these days. As I said above, if you are faithfully practicing safe sex, you have nothing to worry about, so get yourself educated about what EXACTLY safe sex means.
3) See your doctor about the swollen lymph nodes and have a very thorough physical done.
4) See your eye doctor about the red eyes and blurry vision. Get answers, not anxiety.
5) While you're with your doctor, talk to him/her about your anxiety, depression and any other health concerns you have. In my humble opinion, I think you would greatly benefit from some therapy before these possible disorders have you by the throat. It is so much easier to deal with them NOW rather than years down the road. (Trust me on this one!)
You no doubt got way more than you asked for, but ignoring symptoms is just not a smart thing to do and will only make things worse. Being proactive in your own physical and mental health is the positive and mature way to deal with this.
I wish you the best
Thanks, I understand the consequences and I am very educated on most of the things you just said. It's mainly that money is so tight in my family and I fear death much less than the conviction I will get from my parents should they find out I am not a virgin. I have brought up the doctor (I need a tetanus shot) and eye doctor many times but my mom seems to be neglecting her parental responsibilities. I have tried to take care of most everything you have said but I don't deal with stress well and my grades fall because I am to busy worrying about other things (girls, cars, food). Most of my anxiety is self caused and I understand that... I just don't necessarily know how to deal with it (not this kind of stress at least).
thanks for the guidance,
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. This certainly puts a spanner in the works.
I can totally understand the money situation and possibly your mom is not neglecting her parental responsibilities but can't afford health insurance, and without that, the medical cost would incur a frightful debt. But, having said that, if you were my kid, I would take on the debt happily to make sure you were healthy in every respect. But it is not right or fair to judge your mother because I don't understand all the circumstances.
To "fear death" LESS than your parents finding out you're not a virgin is quite a heavy load, encumbered with guilt and creating an abundance of anxiety to your already stressed out life. But here again, it is not right or fair of me to judge your parents' moral beliefs and teachings. You must make peace with this one on your own.
Every school district has a psychologist on staff and all you have to do is request an appointment. I think that might be your best move at this point. Tell this person everything you have disclosed here, don't leave ANYTHING out, and they can and will help you. They also cannot disclose anything to your parents unless, perhaps, you were threatening suicide. Your "secrets" are safe. They can teach you how to deal with your stress, and I think once you get that under better control, dealing with everything else will be easier. Not fun, just easier.
If you have any questions about HIV, please feel free to ask. You can also get a very good education just by reading the posts on our HIV Prevention Forum.
If you ever want to talk privately, you can PM me.
Take care, OK?