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Heightened Anxiety and Thinking Disorder

Hello guys, this is not the first time I am posting something here but whatever I am about to type is due to extreme anxieties about a risky behaviour. I have received advice from some of the forum regulars on my hiv risks but the kind of anxieties I am going through gives me suicidal thoughts. It was all down to two sexual encounters. I usually catch myself asking so many questions and reading so many forums online. I have become very sensitive to things that happen to my body (hiv symptom related). I practiced safe sex without condom slipping with a sex worker. Since then I feel I will be the first person to get hiv with a condom. The questions I ask myself are usually insane to me. Sometimes I laugh them off but it gets serious when something minor happens to any part of my body. Coughing...Feeling hot without shivering after I walk back from school inside this cold weather,slight diarrhea, slight headaches....I sometimes  catch myself doing self diagnosis like feeling the skin of my forehead to determine a fever (something which varies a lot). I seem to be going crazy. I am finding it difficult to move on with my life. I can't concentrate in class and my grades are declining. I am always with the thought that hiv infected fluids can find it's way through the base of the condom swim beneath it and make it's way to my urethra simply because of a whitish fluid I saw after removing a condom on one of my encounters.  I wish someone could read this lenghty piece of typing and help me get rid of some of the anxiety.  I am in Eastern Europe and English language is not really common in most of the hospitals around me. Health care is very poor here so I believe a little piece of advice can help me clear a lot of my anxieties. Thanks
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Avatar universal
"I usually catch myself asking so many questions and reading so many forums online."

You have also done lots of posting in the HIV section of Medhelp with a doctor for a while now, so it is not useful for you to come onto the anxiety forum expecting better advice about the same question - question being whether you have caught something in a way no human in history has caught it - think carefully about the chances of that happening for a little while before you start googling.
Until you get some kind of therapy so you can believe the medical doctor, you will not find peace - posting on a bunch of forums and googling will not provide any answers better than doc gave you.
Avatar universal
It's more like guilt. Not really looking for answers but an advice on ways I can really move on with my life. It freaks me out.
Avatar universal
No, you need to reread your post and you can see this is your focus. "Since then I feel I will be the first person to get hiv with a condom."

You forgot to answer my question so I will reword it.  My question to you is that since the science has been settled decades ago that what you think happened is impossible,
So why do you think you have caught something in a way no OTHER human in history has caught it?
Avatar universal
I feel it might be due to ignorance or I might be such a coward. It's more like my mind playing tricks on me with a lot of "what if's" that is my biggest problem now and it's blazing hot.....
Avatar universal
Reread what you just wrote. You know the facts, so it is up to you to accept them, not blame it on ignorance.
Avatar universal
I know what you're going through, I have health anxiety and was hung up on hiv at one point a few years ago, convinced I had it. My situation that led to this was riskier than yours was, but still statistically unlikely. I turned out to be fine, finally got a test along with a physical after worrying for two years.

Also keep in mind that it's much harder for women to transmit it to men than the other way around.

My recommendation is to confide in someone you trust and ask them to be there for your while you get tested (I hope there is someone you trust?). You can go to a clinic or get an at-home test. You can have the person there with you or just text, facebook chat or whatever with them. Hopefully you can get a rapid test (not sure if there are at-home rapid test kits) so you don't have to wait weeks for the results.

I know this sounds scary but seriously, you've gotta do it. It would suck if you wasted all this time so panicked about something that wasn't even real (which is most likely what's happening). And if by some crazy chance you were positive, it's obviously better to know and treat earlier rather than later. Also, hiv isn't a death sentence like it was in the 80s and 90s. Once you get tested, you'll have peace of mind and will be so glad that you didn't spend one more day obsessing over this. Good luck...
Avatar universal
Thanks for your reply.  I will try to move  on
Avatar universal
It's really weird because of how sensitive I have become. I easily notice every single thing that happens to any part of my body and start linking them to hiv....It's very serious but I will try to confine in a loved one to help me overcome this.....
641304 tn?1434546692
You do not have HIV its very hard for hiv to surpass a condom.
Avatar universal
Confiding in a loved one is not something I would do. They might not like to hear what you did. It is just another delaying tactic you are coming up with to avoid the issue which I list once again at the bottom of this post. All confiding will do is what you get from googling and chat rooms, a chance to continue talking incessantly about your fear without ever listening. This tactic just makes you more fearful whenever you finish talking because you haven't picked up any new info - because there is no new info to pick up.

You still haven't looked at yourself in the mirror and answered my question below. So why do you think you have caught something in a way no OTHER human in history has caught it?
Avatar universal
I think it's because of guilt.You seem to know my situation inside and out. Have you ever been in a situation like mine before?
•Trying to seek help over here is helping me gain confidence....
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