Intrusive thoughts

[beebee84]

Hello everyone,I`m a newbie here and I really how can I handle my daily life .I have a mental illess and I think it should be OCD -the intrusive thoughts.It happened 5 years ago when I first came to high school.At that time I went with my friend to the canteen and she said really bad words about a teacher.Then the teacher knew this but he thought I was the one who said those words.He often stared at me.besides I was really stressed with my studying.(I`m from Asia.)
And since then I was so frightened that the bad words became intrusive thoughts in my mind and I couldn't get rid of them.It is getting worse and worse because now when I talk to someone ,my mind just appears the bad words such as **** ,damn....with their name .I just cannot speak a full sentense fluently because i fear that when I talked to them Iwould carelessly speak out those words and they could hear it and then revenged me.I tried to avoid this by holding my mouth with water when going out hoping that if i have no chance of speaking them out loud.But when I met someone and said hello to my friend ,I had to swallow the water and after that I became frightened again because my mind was full of bad words and Iwas afraid of saying those words out.Now the bad thoughts even dominate in my mind when I write something,for example,when I do my exam I have to do quickly and when I apply it to the teacher I fear cause I donot know if I shouted at him in the paper or not.I fear that he can read it and revenge me and my family.
I try to ask the teacher to let me see those papers again and again to make sure i did not write them out.When I can see those paper ,my fear does not go away,I want to see it for a second time...However I cannot so
when I come home,I become extremely worried about that .
Recently,I have just moved to a place where a lot of Muslim live.because when i go out I can see them a lot,I really donot hate them and I know it is serious and they are really angry if someone shout at them(I read the news and know that Muslims are very angry and they will revenge if someone say bad things about them).I donot know why when I see them ,My mind is full of bad words about them.And i really fear that i speak those words out loud ,I fear that they can hear and revenge me.When I write forms to apply to my university,I fear that I write those intrusive thought out and Muslim can read it and revenge me...Sorry to muslims too because I really donot want to shout at them.But i donot know why my mind just appears those words. Now i`m scaring myself that I have spoken those words out and I am worried about being punished.

Now I find it very difficult even in the situation of going out and talking to everyone.I cannot tell this to anyone including my parents.I feel hopeless about this.I cannot concentrate in studying.i am really stressed because i`m studying abroad and my parents borrow money to support my studying.If I cannot study how can I find a job later and pay all the debts off. I feel guilty because my parents expect from me a lot.Last night I went to church alone and suddenly bad words about Muslim appeared in my mind .I `m scared whether I spoke them out.I`m scared that if Muslim hear it,they will burn my church where i can pray to find peace in my mind.
I donot know if I just have OCD or any mental illness else.Or am I mad?
I find it very hard to continue my life.
My OCD get worse now,yesterday I tried to go out without keeping water in my mouth.And the result is : to struggle and transgress the bad words of intrusive thoughts I mumbled that" they are not bad,they are not bad".. .However,my mind did not obey what I tried to think , those bad words were stronger and stronger and they flash in my mind.this time I really felt that I said those bad words out loud.This makes me anxious more than ever.I really have the feeling of tiredness.Why cannot I do a simple thing like walking alone in the street without being afraid of saying bad stuffs?

I certainly will find myself a doctor.However,I`m studying in Singapore so should I go to a doctor here immediately or should I return to my country to look for a suitable doctor?Because of language barriers,I have just studied in Sing for 4 months so I am not very familiar with Singlish .And I will return to my country this December for about one month.Which choice do you think will give me a better result?Do you think that the doctors in my university will keep my OCD as confidential ?Do we have the rights to keep it confidential?

[beebee84]

thank you everyone for your advice.I`ll decide to meet a psychiatrist in my University couselling center.Hope that I will find a positive way for myself

[suzi-q]

Have you looked into the possibility of having tourette's syndrome?  You definitely need to get to a professional to help you.  You have your whole life to live and you shouldn't have to walk around with this terrible fear and insecurity.  Best to you.

[Trizmommy]

You are not going mad, don't worry about that, but you do have something going on that can be fixed.  I was doing the same thing almost, I was always telling myself (unwillingly!) that I was gay and everybody was going to know.  I thought that I was going to say out loud in class or work that I am gay and that everyone would laugh at me.  I am not gay, and there wouldn't be anything the matter if I had been, so this was really weird to me to start when I was 25 yrs old.  It got to the point where I would not go places where there were people my age, and I would have these thoughts even when I was by myself and I would get very anxious.  I started to see a therapist, and now I am on lexapro.  It has definitely helped because I can live normally without those intrusive thoughts constantly.  And I can be more sure of reality, and not worry if I am going crazy (or gay :P ).

[djajt]

I don't know about other countries but I would think that doctor/patient confidentiality is pretty much a standard for all health care professionals. I would suggest seeing a therapist as soon as you can. It just sounds to me as if you have OCD and you are struggling with it constantly. I can understand how that would get on your nerves and you don't need to stress anymore then you already are. But yeah, I would go and talk to a psychiatrist about what you are experiencing, he/she would be able to help you out and maybe put some of this OCD at rest. Good luck, hope things get better for you.
Amy