culture clash depression

[awsome]

I believe I can’t socialize well for quite a long time, maybe three or four years. When I was young, I enjoyed every aspect of my life as a very outgoing and confident person. Everything changed when I moved overseas and attends the local junior-high. I was isolated because of cultural differences. My classmates believed I was over-confident or pompous and they hated me for it. For this reason, they isolated me and insulted me as a group and I was tagged to join all other outcasts in the classroom. No help was there for me, I went to counsel with teachers but the situation was uncontrollable. Of course, I believed I had a major culture shock. So from that point onward, I just can’t get along with anyone in the classroom and nobody would ever come to my aid or defend me. My parents believed that I should walk my own way and continue to strive for academic excellence. I became very quiet and timid over the years and started to take things personally. It became really difficult to get over small every day issues such as taking humiliation or teacher’s remarks. These memories just anchored in my mind as I type. Also, I started to analyse things. Overall, it was not a great impression for me and I swore that I would hate this school forever and never come back to look around. In Senior-high, things still didn’t turn well; I got rejected by this girl that I became obsessed with. I daydreamed about her every now and then and just can’t stop. I believed that I had focused too much on her and small issues that is related to her. I presume that I had lost my self esteem or confidence over the years in junior-high so I feel it is increasingly difficult to overcome this allusion of rejection. (She just said that I should be myself and she thinks that she is not my type.) My reaction to this was quite dramatic for I had been immersing myself with little things about her like memories of her smiling back at me sweetly and interchanging glances with me in class. Anyway, more than too often I analysed these things and it really had become worse. Soon after this incident, I really experienced fear, it was sort of like I become self-conscious of the words I say and do. I lost the ability to become happy and chat with people or the motivation to get involved in activities. At that time, I am actually not alone but the majority of the class had distanced themselves to me. Maybe, it is because they can feel depression at my presence. I can only hang out with a bunch of girls. I told them what had been through and things. Soon after, I started to depend on this girl who had really tried counselling with me. There was this thought I had, I believed that what good it will do even if I get well. I think it was a kind of a thought that was triggered because I thought I can just depend on these girls for help or comfort but not actually getting well. Long time after, I had developed a special friendship with her and I pretty much enjoyed her presence. These days were not long for we had to split classes. Anyway, it became evident that I lost the ability to contain our friendship as it was because I had seen her as someone I loved. I feared to express how I really feel about her and feared rejection. At the same time, I lost the ability to converse my mental discomforts to her as well. One other thing is that feel muscle twinge pains not long after being rejected by the first girl whom I was obsessed about. It still hurts a lot. I would describe this as sharp spasm of pain in my throat as coming from nowhere and gone before you can do anything about it. It was really confusing. What is not confusing is that it came periodically. It really built itself up in me and sometimes I would feel my whole head is so tense like It’s about to be ripped apart or something.
The second year of College, I really refrained myself from conversing with girls except one or two. I only had one friend who is willing to listen to my complaints. I believed that striving for academic excellence is much more important than socializing. Even though I had gained some excellence grades, inside myself, I know that I still envy those who had no problem socializing. All through the years, I had been analysing by myself and this analysis turned very drab. It was like a repetitive process to analyse again and again. I still analyse everyday situations and feel great anxiety when I had to approach someone and converse with them. I became over-sensitive to things even after I had moved back to my country. There was a period of time, I became very hypercritical. It was as if I had to express sceptical opinions to external stimuli that are not linked with us or associated with us, which is not voluntary. For instance, there was a concourse of people laughing about something and I might consider them as laughing at me. It just keeps on going like a loop for everyday lives. These things went on until I can’t even watch television on comedies or cartoons because I had to over-analyse the silliness of the cartoon character trying to make people laugh. Perhaps I can watch the news but ever and anon pain is always tracing me. Pain follows me when I am talking to people not specifically girls. Also, I cannot listen to my favourite music because they had all became stimuli which triggers emotional thoughts or dynamic emotions. I don’t know what I should do to stop this bleeding and there were times tears just swell up in my eyes. Some people had commented on my bias-thinking and I believe I am out of balanced between my studies and socialising. It is apparent that it was compulsive thinking that studying is much important then socialising and this fended me from really develop special relationships with girls. I just wish that I could be less sensitive or alert and just go with the flow. I wish I am not out of balanced and I can really converse with people freely and not be so self conscious when talking to someone. At the moment, I’m just paradoxical and not knowing where my future lies. Can someone please ease this pain that I have created?

[cnote]

Paxiled is correct. Sounds like you just need to seek a little therapy. It will help greatly! I never thought therapy could help me, and it does! It's a WONDERFUL thing.

Sounds like you are already well on your way! Keep in touch!

[Paxiled]

You need therapy.  You have analyzed yourself, now do it with a professional who can guide you to a solution.  You're already well on your way.