Can't Breathe...

[jlroesner]

Right now, I'm having a bad panic attack.  My stomach is churning, I can't breathe, my back is spasmed up, my vision is blurry, my face is hot and tingling, my throat feels clogged, I can't stop shaking.  I'm trying to breathe deeply, do relaxation, occupy my mind with something else.  But, I'm so so scared.  I'm trying to be calm.  Trying not to fight the anxiety just acknowledge it.  But, please make it stop.  I'm so freaking sad.  I don't know how to express this sadness.  I can't seem to cry.  There is no one to talk to.  I'm all alone.  This sadness is so big, so huge I feel like it's a big black hole sucking me in.  I want to run from it.  I want to just ignore it.  I want it to go away.  I'm so sad.  My baby is gone.  My precious little boy.  Gone.  How can I begin to feel this?  My god, just make my stomach stop hurting so I can think.  Please God.  Please.  Help me.  My stomach hurts so bad.  I hate stomach aches.  They scare me.  Some people are afraid of heart problems I'm afraid of stomach problems and my tummy does not feel good and this makes me more and more and more and more scared.  Please, I'm so tired of being alone out here.  I want to go home.  I want to go home.  I don't want to live here anymore!  It's the first day of classes, Lord please I have to succeed at this.  Please make this anxiety go away so I can go to class.  Please.  I can't fail again.  I've been trying to graduate from college for 21 years.  I'm so freaking scared.  

[nancy572]

Jen, My sister in law has gone through many similar things . She was on the other side of the fence. She suffered greatly . I am a Genealogist . I decided I was going to try to find her lost family  with out her knowledge, not contact them, just look from afar at this picture to see if they needed to find her as much as she needed them.
I was completely in shock when the first day after I posted information her Aunt contacted me. They had looked for her and her Mother for years. Her Mother is gone but they have had many contacts and made memories and and laughed and cryed. I don't know if this for you, but consider it. Does he need you to find him? Is the anguish you feel because of more than you . Can your family handle it , can you handle your family?  I realize I am pushing buttons but at least consider it. Nancy

[hannyt2000]

hey jen
I'm not sure how you chat on here to be fair, i only joined this site the other day myself. i think there is a way of messaging on here but im not sure how.haha. Have you got a hotmail account because i could always speak to you on there if you ever need a chat?
I'm so sorry to hear about your son, this really did sadden me. No matter how many years ago it was i'm sure the feelings are just as strong and real as they were 19 years ago. I cant begin to imagine how you have been feeling all these years. I know this is none of my business but have you ever thought of trying to contact your son David?
Keep your chin up and take good care
hannah x

[jlroesner]

Thank you all for your kindness.  I'm still in the clutches of my anxiety.  I remind myself that it ebbs and flows.  Hanny, thank you so much for offering to chat with me.  I'm new here and don't know how...  Could you help me figure it out?  Nancy, thank you.  Your words helped me to remember that I commited to letting God handle this.  Why do I keep forgetting that?!  And Mommyoffive, I think a lot of things have triggered this two day anxiety attack.  My son, David.  My precious boy.  I was forced to give him up for adoption.  I was 18 and pregnant, certainly old enough to have been standing on my own two feet, but my parents told me that if I didn't give the baby up I could never have contact with my (younger) brothers and sisters ever again.  They didn't want to send a message of approval of pregnancy outside of marriage to my siblings.  He was born on Feb. 2, 1992.  Almost 19 years...Guess time doesn't heal everything.  Anyway, it's always super-hard for me around his birthday and Christmas.  That coupled with the fact that I'm taking a super hard course load this semester...  I think it just threw me for a loop.  Thanks again for all of your support.  Jen

[mommyoffive0529]

What happened that you are like this?  Where is your boy if you don't mind my asking?

[nancy572]

God is holding you in his arms, tenderly cuddling you. Lay back , breath deep and rest  there. let him hold alllllll that garbage. He is in charge today so you won't have to be. just rest.I could not make it through a day with out this image .

[hannyt2000]

I know exactly how you are feeling! I know how hard it is but try not to panic, try breathing through one nostril and out of the other and keep changing each nostril if that makes any sense at all. It always helps me a bit as you will just be focusing on breathing and you shouldnt be thinking about anything else.
Im always here if you need a chat, try not to worry about how you are feeling. I know its easier said than done. worry about one thing at a time. x