Can I break the cycle before my marriage ends?

[Egyptian3yez15]

Please, I need to figure out how I can make my new marriage survive. My husband likes to put me down when we are alone, and he likes to get a little rough too. He has a short fuse and is very impatient. I had problems with my self esteem before and it is even worse now. I cry alot because after a string of mean disrespectful things that he says, when he finishes with a light slap on my cheek. I can't help but cry.
I  hurt him in the past severely and I know that is why he wants to and enjoys hurting me today. But I truly wish he could forgive me already because he is only adding onto the trauma I already had before I met him. And I think one day I will just explode again and nobody would be there to pick up the pieces.

I don't really have a family to go back to if we end it.

I love my husband dearly. He has many positive qualities but I can't look at him in the same light anymore. I can't feel the same with him anymore either. He's always mad and I'm always feeling pathetic. I don't want to play the victim because I know I have been making mistakes, but instead of him bullying me when he does we could have so many more nice moments and positive interactions together. I have told him all of this, but he just keeps hurting me. And I keep struggling with my judgment.

What can I do to break this toxic cycle. Any advice is appreciated. Thank

[remar]

If your husband refuses to go to counseling you can go by yourself. This will help you in so many ways. Of course your self esteem is low if you're being treated like this. It also sounds like you may have depression. Have you even been diagnosed with depression and or anxiety? Counseling could help you with both.
We're always here to listen and help anyway we can.

[Egyptian3yez15]

Thank you for your feedback. I hope he gives in to us trying this. I have mentioned it before and he isn't too keen on it. Before we are forced to split up.

[mdavis84]

Hi. I have a friend in a similar situation. I (personally) have always felt that she should leave her husband, but she simply will not. As this also does not seem to be the road that you want to go down - and that is your prerogative - may I suggest marriage counseling? My neighbors currently attend counseling and while they admit it is hard, it has taught them how to communicate more openly with each other in ways that are not intentionally hurtful. As you both seem to have past issues, it may be helpful to speak with an unbiased person, such as a counselor. Would this be something you could try?