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Avatar universal

Trying to Get Some Help......

I am a 43 year old married male with two young children (7-5).  I own my own business and have a very busy and stressful life.  I have always been anxious and battle with anxiety, depression, fear, and a slight case of OCD.  I am fully functioning and if you were to ask my friends and family they would tell you that I am a rock for many people in my life.

When I was a kid I used to be extremely anxious and I also had a tendency to be a little smarter than the rest of my classmates.  Please let me qualify that statement by saying that I do not have a huge ego nor am I a narcissist.  I just could see things differently than other people so it was more difficult for me to make friends.  I was absolutely terrified about life in general and would not go out in the dark as a kid due to my debilitating fear.  

As I got older I found ways to cope by using alcohol which led the way to me being accepted by the popular group and when drinking I was the person that I wanted to be and most all of my anxiety and fear was washed away.  I wanted so bad to be normal in my brain and I can imagine that most of you can relate to the fact that having these issues is one of the most awful things a person can struggle with because it never goes away.  It is with you when you go to sleep it is with you when you wake up!  

I found myself self-medicating more and more until I knew I was definitely abusing alcohol.  I went on for years not wanting to form relationships because I didn't want burden anyone with my issues.  I am from a generation and environment that people just "deal" with their issues and counseling and or talking to people was not an option.  When I was in my early 30's I had been prescribed narcotic pain medication for an injury suffered in the military and the minute I took the first pill, it was like I had found my cure all medication.  

It helped me with the pain and it replaced the alcohol in regards to self-medication.  I almost completely quit drinking but found myself addicted for about 5 years.  I realized my addiction and four years ago I went to treatment and I have been off of both alcohol and narcotic pain medication since.  As I sit here and write this I find myself struggling with my own mind and feel lost and there is absolutely no relief.  Since I had started my own business almost three years ago the additional stress and worry has literally been crushing and I find myself shutting down and I am to the point to where

I am not participating in any of my hobbies, I barely participate in family events, and my most favorite activity is relaxing and watching TV.  It seems like TV is my new addiction and I do get a little bit of satisfaction by watching my shows.  The problem is that I watch it 24/7.  If I am not watching TV I am watching shows on my iPhone.

It is winter here and we have feet of snow so our business is shut down until the spring or until the weather clears up so instead of working on things and preparing for next year, I find myself shutting down more and more and I have gained back about 20 extra pounds and am as lazy as they come.  I have a lot of financial obligations to deal with due to a project going sideways and it is ever looming in my head.  I am to the point to where I need to talk to someone to help me snap out of this funk.  Nothing sounds good, I worry 24/7 and the only thing that keeps me from worrying or going crazy is my addiction to TV.  

I again cannot talk to anyone in my circle of friends or family because they wouldn't understand and I again have so many people relying on me.  I am extremely religious and I have asked God and Jesus to take away these feelings of hopelessness, stress, and doubt but they never go away.  I guess I thought I would throw a little bit of myself out there to see if for once in my life, someone would help me instead of me always being there for other people.  I hope that doesn't sound vein but I know that I need help, I just don't know how to fix myself!  Thanks for listening......  
1 Responses
Avatar universal
First, if you're 43 you're definitely not from a generation that doesn't talk about problems -- you're from one that obsesses over them.  Now, I'm 63, and I can tell you, things have changed a ton since I was young and most working class people didn't believe in mental illness at all.  Now, everyone seemingly is being diagnosed with it in an over-reaction, but in your case, it sounds like you're anxious and depressed.  The best thing to do to start is to see a psychologist and see what they think is going on.  Also, realize that stress affects everyone if they let it and it doesn't if they don't.  People don't react the same.  You have to deal with how you're reacting and figure out how to work past it.  And again, it's possible you live somewhere where the culture is still lost in the past but I'm guessing there are many people around you who have similar problems and are quite willing to talk about them.  One last thing -- when you use drugs a lot you're high a lot, and when you stop, you're not.  Learning to find the same level of pleasure now that you're not stoned can be hard for awhile until you learn how to access the feelings you had when you were stoned without being stoned.  One aid to this is meditation.  But you're going to have to help yourself, and besides therapy I'd also recommend regular exercise, if for nothing else than to get you away from the house and burning off some of that gloom.  
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