Aa
What is this, someone help
Well, just recently, I have had an attack of something, I just don't know what it is. Lately, some friends of mine and myself have been talking a lot about Theological issues, and the afterlife. All of a sudden, I started getting really freaked, I mean FREAKED out at the idea, that someday I'm just going to die. I was so freaked out, that I got scared of death and dying. To add to it, yesterday I found out a friend of mine had been dead in his apartment for a week, and nobody knew. We live in the same building, and I was knocking on his door like crazy this week...only to find out, he's been dead...I don't know...
I think that all this talk of dying and then someone close to me dying is really making depressed or something. I never gave death a big thought, because I always thought I was going to heaven anyways, so why worry about it. But now, i don't know, I just feel different...I can't explain it. Is this a common thing?
I think that all this talk of dying and then someone close to me dying is really making depressed or something. I never gave death a big thought, because I always thought I was going to heaven anyways, so why worry about it. But now, i don't know, I just feel different...I can't explain it. Is this a common thing?
If you are with me so far, then in thinking about your existential crisis, you might reasonably conclude that death -about which we know nothing- really cannot, in and of itself, rattle our emotional cages that much. And to some, it is a preferred alternative to a life of anquish and pain. So far, so good?
Now you will note, F/G, that I have done nothing at all in the nature of comforting words and stories about what to expect. I have thus far relied upon what you ALREADY KNOW AND HAVE EXPERIENCED to put together your "perceptual toolkit." I tell you this now, because next, I AM going to ask for a sort of "leap of faith."
I hold out to you that it is not fear of death that bugs you, but rather fear or dread of something or things in life that is or are the prime movers. The first word that floats into my mind is "abandonment." Others are "helpessness," "meaninglessness," and "nothing matters, " and ultimately, "my life does not matter." For a human being, abandonment is often an early sensation and one that can be quite terrifying. Later on, abandonment is frequently used deliberately to make people behave, by separating them from the group. And there is also a kind of incipient abandonment in our culture, which makes us feel queasy if we don't have the right car, make enough money, marry well (or at all), have children, get accepted into a fraternity or club and zillions of other things, activities or events which our culture, our neighbors, our family and our friends tell us are the sure signs of our identity and acceptance. And even if we react by adopting lifestyles, politics, activities, beliefs and possessions which seem to fly in the face of what "everyone else," or "they" are doing, then even THAT has its own membership rules and expectations -and you may not "make it."
I'm suggesting that a course of psychiatric therapy will help you explore what has contributed to a sense of not belonging, fear of abandonment, sense of futility which may possibly (was true in my case) have lead to the early adotpion of behaviors whose purpose was top get you connected or keep you connected with people and the world around you. These adaptations were fabricated at a time when you were basically powerless to assert or meet your own needs directly and independently and for many years, they seemed to work -needs "got met." But as you get older, they work less well until eventually, a major sense of disconnect hits you. I could have the mechanmics all wrong in your case, but what I strongly believe is that when you identify the material in your own experience which is most like the fear of death you have NOW -you'll be on to something. You are not necessarily looking for something "BIG," although there may be something big. Rather, you may simply be looking for situations in which your sense of belonging, security and acceptance may have seemed to you to be at risk. This can happen in early childhood experiences that are regarded as normal by you. Of course they seem normal -what else could you, as a child, compare them against? Independent factors, such as inherited traits, may also come into play. Because you will be taking your adult brain with you back to your early childhood days, you may expect a fairly rapid positive adjustment. The end result is a sort of, "Here's who I am, and I like me. I'm fine pretty much just as I am" sort of thing.
Your question, "Is it a common thing?" is kind of hard to answer. My guess is that what is "common" is the life cirucmstances and indivdual adaptations that set the conditons for high anxiety later on about any one or more of a number of things. Death is sometimes the token -the "message in a bottle." Health concerns are another -and the list goes on.
It is not often that I run into people who understand the death encounter experience as you have described it which fits exactly with how I experienced it. And so, I tend to forceful in expressing my opinions about it, the fact that I am rarely haunted by it anymore, and what I discovered about why it was there in the first place. And that is what accounts for this perhaps too lengthy response.
OK, gather your tools -and get some good help. And please stay in touch.
Now you will note, F/G, that I have done nothing at all in the nature of comforting words and stories about what to expect. I have thus far relied upon what you ALREADY KNOW AND HAVE EXPERIENCED to put together your "perceptual toolkit." I tell you this now, because next, I AM going to ask for a sort of "leap of faith."
I hold out to you that it is not fear of death that bugs you, but rather fear or dread of something or things in life that is or are the prime movers. The first word that floats into my mind is "abandonment." Others are "helpessness," "meaninglessness," and "nothing matters, " and ultimately, "my life does not matter." For a human being, abandonment is often an early sensation and one that can be quite terrifying. Later on, abandonment is frequently used deliberately to make people behave, by separating them from the group. And there is also a kind of incipient abandonment in our culture, which makes us feel queasy if we don't have the right car, make enough money, marry well (or at all), have children, get accepted into a fraternity or club and zillions of other things, activities or events which our culture, our neighbors, our family and our friends tell us are the sure signs of our identity and acceptance. And even if we react by adopting lifestyles, politics, activities, beliefs and possessions which seem to fly in the face of what "everyone else," or "they" are doing, then even THAT has its own membership rules and expectations -and you may not "make it."
I'm suggesting that a course of psychiatric therapy will help you explore what has contributed to a sense of not belonging, fear of abandonment, sense of futility which may possibly (was true in my case) have lead to the early adotpion of behaviors whose purpose was top get you connected or keep you connected with people and the world around you. These adaptations were fabricated at a time when you were basically powerless to assert or meet your own needs directly and independently and for many years, they seemed to work -needs "got met." But as you get older, they work less well until eventually, a major sense of disconnect hits you. I could have the mechanmics all wrong in your case, but what I strongly believe is that when you identify the material in your own experience which is most like the fear of death you have NOW -you'll be on to something. You are not necessarily looking for something "BIG," although there may be something big. Rather, you may simply be looking for situations in which your sense of belonging, security and acceptance may have seemed to you to be at risk. This can happen in early childhood experiences that are regarded as normal by you. Of course they seem normal -what else could you, as a child, compare them against? Independent factors, such as inherited traits, may also come into play. Because you will be taking your adult brain with you back to your early childhood days, you may expect a fairly rapid positive adjustment. The end result is a sort of, "Here's who I am, and I like me. I'm fine pretty much just as I am" sort of thing.
Your question, "Is it a common thing?" is kind of hard to answer. My guess is that what is "common" is the life cirucmstances and indivdual adaptations that set the conditons for high anxiety later on about any one or more of a number of things. Death is sometimes the token -the "message in a bottle." Health concerns are another -and the list goes on.
It is not often that I run into people who understand the death encounter experience as you have described it which fits exactly with how I experienced it. And so, I tend to forceful in expressing my opinions about it, the fact that I am rarely haunted by it anymore, and what I discovered about why it was there in the first place. And that is what accounts for this perhaps too lengthy response.
OK, gather your tools -and get some good help. And please stay in touch.
You're not going to believe this, but I promise it is the truth. I got that same cosmic "YIKES" thing when I was 6. And had it, off and on, until I was forever relieved of panic and anxiety over 45 years later.
I'll cut to the chase NOW and tell you that what you are probably "afraid" of is NOT death, but rather, something in LIFE. I'll come back to this.
Now just so YOU know that I KNOW what you are talking about, let's have a look at the scary list of thoughts that goes along with the concept of our annilhilation one day.
1. It HITS you like a bolt out of the blue on an occasion that really marks the moment. Suddenly, you understand down to your very core what this is all about. And YET, it is very difficult to get others to understand it in the same way. You wonder: "Don't these people KNOW that this is going to happen to THEM someday?"
2. The words and thoughts of comfort can be as terrifying as the original problem. Heaven? Yeah, but heaven is eternal, goes on forever. And the notion of anything that goes on forever can be equally as terrifying as something that does NOT. How can any one stand the idea of "forever," of eternity? Will I be around to see the earth blown up by the sun? The milky Way collapse into a black hole? Arghhh.
3. I fear of death is a current preoccupation, then questions about what God is really like or even that God exists at all are not far behind -that carries its own burdens.
Want me to continue? I didn't think so. But now you know that I know.
So how about we get beyond this terrifying fear and move toward something better. I'm going to give you a littttle tool kit to get started, then send you to someone who can help with the rest.
Let's start with the observation you've already made that many other people don't seem to "get it." Are they stupid? Too selfish to notice? In denial? What? Heck, death happens to everyone -what makes them think that they aren't invited to the party? Actually, you are right, death DOES happen to everybody and everything. But obviously not everyone reacts to it or perceives it the same way. And your common sense tells you this includes a lot of very bright and sensitive people. So -what is DIFFERENT is the manner in which the condition is perceived -the way you LOOK at it. And, unless you think that you are the only one who has it "right," then obviously they can't all be "not getting it." Which brings it back to YOU -why do YOU react this way?
Now let me digress for a moment and talk about denial. There is much in life that is all about denial, denial of many things but death is a favorite target. Some will argue that religion and the notion of an afterlife are forms of denial, and for some folks, that may be true. But for those of us who are as freaked out by the notion of heaven as by the notion of forever, we don't buy the denial argument about religion simply because the heaven story doesn't give US such comfort any more. We're as nervous about the hereafter as we are about the here and now, thank you very much.
Denial also occurs in the form of attaching our own significance and importance and well-being to other things, events and people. Thus, people believe that a kind of car is to be loved, or that certain music connects them with a spiritual awareness, or that some professional entertainers (dead ones, in particular) projected some kind of high meaning into life. Look at the number of times we are asked (by the media or even our friends) to "love" something that is not a person. Emotional investment in a car? Even the cars themselves are described as if they had personalities. And we think we gave up fairy tales? But you and I know that the certainty of death has this way of putting everything in its place. The VERY GOOD thing about this realization is that it helps us rethink what IS important. We see, for example, that a pet takes comfort in our attention; that we take joy and comfort in the presence of a lover, we see that we can either facilitate the growth or the death (there's that word again) of plants, animals and yes, PEOPLE. We see that what we do DOES make a difference. We begin to discern purpose by starting with ourselves and those we touch. If you can be as profoundly moved by THAT realization as you are by the prospect of your own extinction, then you are as open to very positive feelings about your existence as you are to fearful ones about the end of it all. In FACT, you may come to understand that what you do here and now forever survives you, for better, or for worse. I'll just BET you're catching on to this, aren't you? If you can be staggered by one understanding, then you can be empowered by the other. The are no formulas here, no rules, potions, creeds, or magic words. It is just "understanding." It just makes sense. Because I, myself, am a "believer," I do fit it into the context of my religious thought and spiritual sense. But others may not. Your mileage will vary.
Now, let's have a look at some more "data." People who have experienced "near death" and then "come back to life," on the whole report that since the experience, they have a renewed appreciation of life and just aren't bothered by the idea od death anymore. Are there exceptions? Probably -there seem to be exceptions to everything. But on the whole, the reports of the "returnees" are remarkably consistent. I don't offer this as proof of anything about what's "out there," but I do submit it as evidence that for those who have had as close an encounter as would seem possible, the "death problem" seems to go away. This is not an artifact of intellect or training -it is all about direct experience. And so, regardless of what IS out there, it seems certain that it is possible to live quite comfortably with the certainty of it -and in fact, to have a very enhanced life.
I'll cut to the chase NOW and tell you that what you are probably "afraid" of is NOT death, but rather, something in LIFE. I'll come back to this.
Now just so YOU know that I KNOW what you are talking about, let's have a look at the scary list of thoughts that goes along with the concept of our annilhilation one day.
1. It HITS you like a bolt out of the blue on an occasion that really marks the moment. Suddenly, you understand down to your very core what this is all about. And YET, it is very difficult to get others to understand it in the same way. You wonder: "Don't these people KNOW that this is going to happen to THEM someday?"
2. The words and thoughts of comfort can be as terrifying as the original problem. Heaven? Yeah, but heaven is eternal, goes on forever. And the notion of anything that goes on forever can be equally as terrifying as something that does NOT. How can any one stand the idea of "forever," of eternity? Will I be around to see the earth blown up by the sun? The milky Way collapse into a black hole? Arghhh.
3. I fear of death is a current preoccupation, then questions about what God is really like or even that God exists at all are not far behind -that carries its own burdens.
Want me to continue? I didn't think so. But now you know that I know.
So how about we get beyond this terrifying fear and move toward something better. I'm going to give you a littttle tool kit to get started, then send you to someone who can help with the rest.
Let's start with the observation you've already made that many other people don't seem to "get it." Are they stupid? Too selfish to notice? In denial? What? Heck, death happens to everyone -what makes them think that they aren't invited to the party? Actually, you are right, death DOES happen to everybody and everything. But obviously not everyone reacts to it or perceives it the same way. And your common sense tells you this includes a lot of very bright and sensitive people. So -what is DIFFERENT is the manner in which the condition is perceived -the way you LOOK at it. And, unless you think that you are the only one who has it "right," then obviously they can't all be "not getting it." Which brings it back to YOU -why do YOU react this way?
Now let me digress for a moment and talk about denial. There is much in life that is all about denial, denial of many things but death is a favorite target. Some will argue that religion and the notion of an afterlife are forms of denial, and for some folks, that may be true. But for those of us who are as freaked out by the notion of heaven as by the notion of forever, we don't buy the denial argument about religion simply because the heaven story doesn't give US such comfort any more. We're as nervous about the hereafter as we are about the here and now, thank you very much.
Denial also occurs in the form of attaching our own significance and importance and well-being to other things, events and people. Thus, people believe that a kind of car is to be loved, or that certain music connects them with a spiritual awareness, or that some professional entertainers (dead ones, in particular) projected some kind of high meaning into life. Look at the number of times we are asked (by the media or even our friends) to "love" something that is not a person. Emotional investment in a car? Even the cars themselves are described as if they had personalities. And we think we gave up fairy tales? But you and I know that the certainty of death has this way of putting everything in its place. The VERY GOOD thing about this realization is that it helps us rethink what IS important. We see, for example, that a pet takes comfort in our attention; that we take joy and comfort in the presence of a lover, we see that we can either facilitate the growth or the death (there's that word again) of plants, animals and yes, PEOPLE. We see that what we do DOES make a difference. We begin to discern purpose by starting with ourselves and those we touch. If you can be as profoundly moved by THAT realization as you are by the prospect of your own extinction, then you are as open to very positive feelings about your existence as you are to fearful ones about the end of it all. In FACT, you may come to understand that what you do here and now forever survives you, for better, or for worse. I'll just BET you're catching on to this, aren't you? If you can be staggered by one understanding, then you can be empowered by the other. The are no formulas here, no rules, potions, creeds, or magic words. It is just "understanding." It just makes sense. Because I, myself, am a "believer," I do fit it into the context of my religious thought and spiritual sense. But others may not. Your mileage will vary.
Now, let's have a look at some more "data." People who have experienced "near death" and then "come back to life," on the whole report that since the experience, they have a renewed appreciation of life and just aren't bothered by the idea od death anymore. Are there exceptions? Probably -there seem to be exceptions to everything. But on the whole, the reports of the "returnees" are remarkably consistent. I don't offer this as proof of anything about what's "out there," but I do submit it as evidence that for those who have had as close an encounter as would seem possible, the "death problem" seems to go away. This is not an artifact of intellect or training -it is all about direct experience. And so, regardless of what IS out there, it seems certain that it is possible to live quite comfortably with the certainty of it -and in fact, to have a very enhanced life.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. What a shock that must have been. It doesn't sound illogical at all that it could have brought your fear of death up. When we learn about the loss of someone we knew, it immediately comes much closer - all those existential questions. It doesn't have to develop to depression, but grief leaves one with sadness and more serious thinking, which we're going to adjust to. The whole process of adjusting to the loss is called grief. What you have to remember though, is that life really does go on.
We all meet death in one way or another in our lives, and one day it does happen to us too (unless the scientists really manage to break the Code..., which I seriously doubt will happen this millenium), but we can't stop living, enjoying what life does give. Many religions and cultures have sprung out of these questions - and it lingers.
It's normal that when we hear about someone dying that we knew and were closely bonded to, does "zap" us out and numb until we know what to think and how to feel about it. It's a very normal initial reaction. Give all of those thoughts words and labels and soon you know how to take one step further out of this fear. It's easy to fear the unknown, but as long as you know what you think about it and manage the thoughts, you will manage to minimize the fear.
I hope that this helps at least some,
Do tell how it goes!
Florena
We all meet death in one way or another in our lives, and one day it does happen to us too (unless the scientists really manage to break the Code..., which I seriously doubt will happen this millenium), but we can't stop living, enjoying what life does give. Many religions and cultures have sprung out of these questions - and it lingers.
It's normal that when we hear about someone dying that we knew and were closely bonded to, does "zap" us out and numb until we know what to think and how to feel about it. It's a very normal initial reaction. Give all of those thoughts words and labels and soon you know how to take one step further out of this fear. It's easy to fear the unknown, but as long as you know what you think about it and manage the thoughts, you will manage to minimize the fear.
I hope that this helps at least some,
Do tell how it goes!
Florena
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