Begging For Help.. Please

[dontsleep94]

I posted on here a while back about HOCD, The fear of being gay. i know i aint the only one who has it which is nice. As of lately i went to see a therapist who talked about it with me. She says i don't follow any of the signs of being gay. But for some reason the helpful advice just made me feel like a million times worse!!! now it's so bad in my head.. i can't rest or breathe. My brains asking questions like "are you sure you aint in denial" then i answer back with "but i've always had crushes on girls and never looked at a guy like that" and my brain always gets back with something to terrorize me. And as of last night, the anxiety was so bad that, that's all i heard in my head "you're gay, you don't love your girlfriend" and it just made me feel sick and scared. i can't take this. i'm 18.. i should be enjoying my life..
because of this my brain's saying "you're unhappy maybe because you're gay and it's coming out, you want to leave your girl and mess with guys"

from the bottom of my heart, i don't. and man i'm tired of this. it don't stop. please help.

[dontsleep94]

Even after seeing my therapist and we talk, she told me it's anxiety truly. The thoughts scare me to no extent. and I could have never loved if i was hiding my sexuality. i never met a gay man who took a whole year to get over a girl. makes no sense. she told me she has a few gay clients and one who is gay and admitted it but refused to leave the closet. says he's gonna "remain straight".. i think that must suck. to feel like you can't do what makes you happy. If you wanna be with who you wanna be with don't let nobody stop you. I know now that they are just thoughts. Doubts and fears. Doesn't mean they don't scare the **** outta me. I just want everything to go back to normal. before they came back. i was happy.

[dontsleep94]

i think it's my fault for not explaining it right you know? lol.
the thoughts went away for about 2 years. barley came back this year.
during the time, i never had any fears. never questioned anything. lol.

when i said like i could picture a naked woman i know it feels right. most dudes i think with either HOCD or in the closet possibly freak out because they have sexual fantasies of men and don't know how to react. because of my anxiety and need to rationalize everything, i force myself to think what if this or that just to see how my mind feels. it's stupid. but not once have i ever truly thought of a man sexually or anything.

and the idea of me having any kind of sexual encounter with a man makes me feel cold and sick in the stomach.
but i don't see being gay as being wrong yeh know? gay people are cool. i got a few gay friends and i see it as like they're the guy friend that's like into a different type of girl than me. lol.

Like i said previously, i don't see like gay being wrong. personally it doesn't interest me. but that doesn't stop my anxiety from attacking me.
dude i've never met a gay guy that (and my gay friends laugh at this)
has ever said "ok, ok, i'm gay, let me be gay, here we go, i guess this is me coming out" and i still got anxiety, i still feel like ****.


end of this is, if i was truly homosexual i think the idea of me being with a man would give me a sense of relief or idk, spiritual clarity? instead it creeps me out and i just want the thoughts to stop. if i was gay that's cool too, if i was, i never fear the consequences, or what society would think. and i don't see a closet i'm hiding in or something. thanks for the support. lol i probably should of clarified more. aha

[kickanxietysbutt]

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but many gay people do have the same concerns as you.  Some of the people who are most hateful towards gay people are the ones who have homosexual tendencies themselves.  One of my friends is gay and when he was first approached by a man in a sexual manner he hit the guy.  An hour later, he had his first sexual encounter with a man.  

I am 100% straight and have never pictured myself with another woman, and have never once questioned if I might be gay.  I think the fact that you keep questioning yourself and obsessing about this may be a good indicator that perhaps you owe it to yourself to consider other possibilities.  

You wrote, "the feeling i get when i picture a thick naked woman on me, compared to a naked man, is waaaaay different. With a woman it feels perfect and nice, but a man, i don't know what to do with that."  

You didn't say that the thought of being with a man repulsed you or that you haven't thought of it...you said you wouldn't know what to do with a man.  To me, it seems like you're leaving the possibility open.  

Like Bbaggins said, if you are gay, there is nothing wrong with that.  I think discovering whether you are or aren't, and accepting your fate either way is what is important right now.  

Good luck to you!

[remar]

You're right. If you were truly gay you would be attracted to men. You are not. That's why I think it's a form of OCD and therapy would help you. Yes, I know you're already in therapy. If your therapist is not helping or does not understand what your problem is then find another one. You have to really click with your therapist or you will get no where.

[bbaggins]

Let nature take its course, don't worry about whether or not you are gay. Obsessing about it will only make it worse.

I have OCD, and this bothered me when I was your age, and that was during the 80's when AIDS was a new disease, and it literally made me paranoid. You just have to learn to control your OCD.

If you have gay friends, try hanging around them more, it will help you understand their lifestyle, and you'll realize that they're not the "heathens and miscreants" that some people make them out to be, which is probably where your fear comes from.

And, if somewhere down the road you find that you are gay, there's nothing wrong with being gay either.

Good luck!

[dontsleep94]

what i don't understand is.... i don't think about guys that way. if i was gay wouldn't the thought of me and a man seem amusing or good? like i'd want that? and i question if it's denial but i don't find men sexually attractive.. it's annoying. the same cycle. the same fear. the same need for reassurance. it's the fear of being gay with knowing you're not. checking if i act like a gay man, talk feminine, walk feminine, all that.yet not once do i ever see myself with a man. I've been in football, wrestling, and i never looked at a guy in an interested way. come on, we shared locker rooms and i never tripped out. so why's this random fear got me by the throat?...

[remar]

People can become obsessed about one thing, or many things. I'm not a Dr but it does sound like a form of OCD. It also sounds like you are not gay. Are you going to keep seeing your therapist? I think it would be a good idea so she can help you get over these thoughts.  

[dontsleep94]

but all i wanna know is.. why have these thoughts? like why couldn't i stress of something more relevant? in my soul i know i love women. so why's this bug me?

[dontsleep94]

the feeling i get when i picture a thick naked woman on me, compared to a naked man, is waaaaay different. With a woman it feels perfect and nice, but a man, i don't know what to do with that. i can't see myself looking at a man the way i'd look at a woman.
thank you.

and believe me it's horrible

[dontsleep94]

nahh man that sounds pretty horrible. haha

[Dave2436]

Never heard of HOCD but it must be nerve wracking. If you're not attracted to men then don't obsess about it. Even if you were it is not the end of the world. Like the above poster mentioned, imagine being intimate with a man. If it turns you on, then you might be gay. If it makes you want to vomit, like I felt when i read that post, then you are not.

[Life360_Dave]

In our brains there are many thoughts running around and is up to us to control them either through social, family or spiritual convictions. If there were no pathways of what is right or wrong or how we should be, we all would be raving mad. Social, family and spiritual convictions will help us to think correctly. You say your not gay but a inner voice is leading you to wonder. so as an added backup ask yourself how would you being gay fit into these conviction arenas. Also really picture yourself as being gay, french kissing another man, holding him tight, feeling his wiskers on your face. Also the gay sex with anal intercouse and the different orders. Him ejaculation in your mouth and swallowing it. Introducing him to your parents and moving to another state that accepts same sex marriage. How do you feel about all of this? Does it attract you?