Anxious child, nightlights.

[ardensmom]

I have a 9 yr old girl who has always been on the anxious/worrying/negative side. She has been having trouble sleeping recently, I feel it is due to school/social issues, I've met with her teacher, there is nothing specific going on in class, just not getting along well with her peers-  and I am looking into getting her some help, maybe councelling. Her dad feels she is not sleeping well due to her sleeping with a 20-30watt nightlight (dimmer will not do for her- she has always had a nightlight).  
I feel taking away the light will only make her issues worse, but I don't want to disregard his concerns or ideas. (We are not married but coparent very well, and she lives with both of us half time). He agrees with the councelling too.
She is tired, dark circles under her eyes, asking to sleep with whoever will take her- I just want her to be worry free. She has been unable to explain what is wrong. Any advice is appreciated.

[potato4201]

yea i guess it would, cuz of everyone lining up for free health care,especially with hypochondriacs like myself id be there everyday,lol.just do what you can in the meen time,try the big sis thing ,sit down and have a chat with her and im sure shell be able to get somethin out of her for you, as itll be easier to tell her than you.cuz a child really cares what her parents think about her. like i said its all trial and error.along with changed schools,pueberty,that possibilty of the kids at school thing,cuz when i was in elementary school if you were new no1 likes ya but in high school your the coolest cat in the alley .talk to your ex and come up with a gameplan untill you can see the docs and who knows this might be all in the past till you actually get around to see a qualified doc,as all of us in here just have life experiance to go on and were all willing to help,in a couple months you may find some1 on here with the same prob and youll be able to give advice,lol
best of luck
cheers

[ardensmom]

yes it's free, but it takes FOREVER to be seen by any specialist or get any tests done.

[potato4201]

yea if its free go for it,man i wish i lived in canada,lol just pay attention it could work wonders or it could back fire.you mentin she changed schools.thats like starting all over and may be the big issue at hand a long as an underlying issue.or more than one.
best of luck and keep us updated

cheers

[ardensmom]

i love your suggestion about the talking to an older sister... her 11 yr old stepsister is idolized by her, and shes very mature and helpful. I think I may see if she can give us a new perspective. My poor little woobie, she's a wonderful child and we're so lucky to have her. I want her to be a happy, positive, self confident girl.And I got a laugh out of the man/woman comment. So true!

[ardensmom]

Thanks both of you... I think I'm better able to know where to start. I think perhaps it's a combo of her lifelong anxiety and something new going on. She changed schools last year and she hasn't been the same socially since. She does have the same best friend but they have known each other FOREVER and they can fight as well as they can be friends. Her teach says she can be critical of her friends at school so they tend to avoid her at times. Her being tired and cranky makes it worse. 2 people have asked me this past week if she has allergies because of the dark circles. (she doesn't) I think I'm going to give her back the nightlight (she just told me she hasn't slept alone at papa's since it went away :)- then make a doc appointment- then take her to a councellor and get an assessment done. I live in Canada so the healthcare is free, besides we have great benefits for councelling and cost isnt an issue. I appreciate the talk so very much.

[potato4201]

yea my parents were separated my whole at about the same age and i dont think theres honeslty i right and wrong to that coz honestly if my parents did get together it would of been weird for memore weird than them being apart,which may or may not be strange.i think the big question in her head is WHY?she doesnt understand "love' how breakups work and how much men are jerks yet,lol i think its a phase like anyone.just do whats best for her and ask where she wants to stay at night  ect....and your right women are worse and man just cant keep his hand out of his pants,lol and a women goes through emotions she never felt  before .if shes the youngest or oldest that plays into the hand if shes the youngest maybe a talk from one of her sis might be good>just a thought though...try,try,try before you take an extreme medical route cuz that just make matters worse.its all trial and error
good luck

[RubyWitch]

If her father "just wants her to be normal," then get her to a pediatrician as soon as possible. We ALL want our kids to "just be normal" but sometimes we need help to acheive that.
And while potato makes a valid point in the difficulty kids have talking not only with parents but strangers, one thing that needs saying is that if she does see a therapist, they are extremely highly trained in how to put a young child at ease and it will not be a frightening experience for her. And kids quite often find it easier to talk with a "stranger" than their own parents. I also tend to disagree that seeing a therapist now, at her age, will inhibit her in the future from talking to you or her father. If anything, it will give her the courage to open up. Since she is not talking to either of you now, she needs to talk to someone.
Potato did bring up another excellent point about her friends. Has that situation changed lately? Kids are notoriously cruel to each other and she could be reacting to something that was done or said to her that her teachers have no idea about. If she had a close friend that seems to have disappeared from the picture, perhaps a talk with that friends mother might shed some light.
I do wish you the very best
Peace
Greenlydia

[ardensmom]

It's falling asleep AND staying asleep. Usually no caffine for her (milk and water only in our house, we don't do well with cavities). She gets up fine in the am but powers out. She eats fine, doesn't seem depressed...

[ardensmom]

Thanks- yes I agree with a lot of that. We are divorced (since she was 2), live 5 minutes apart. She has an older sister and stepsisters on both side as well and we all work hard at being "one big happy family". (a LOT of work but worth it :). We do have a schedule, but are flexible with where she sleeps on what night. Sometimes she needs papa more, sometimes me, she likes her dads house better somedays and mine others. She would definately feel more secure if both me and her dad are in the same home and she wouldn't have to be with one or the other, but it's our goal to ease this stress as much as we can. She also has strong and affectionate relationships with my husband and her dad's wife. She loves and has healthy relationships with all her sisters. I will try to find out if something happened specifically, but so far she just says she doesn't know. She has issues with other kids, they seem to be more "frienemies". She is just so critical of others, I'm trying to teach her to be compassionate and have empathy. Lord girls are tough.

[potato4201]

dark cirlces are lack of sleep i think.and there no way shes on drugs,lol,so to me it sounds like lack of sleep.does she wake up a lot in the middle of the night alot?or is she so tired she never wakes up?keep an eye on  how much food she eats,caffine ect.loss of appetite is usually a sure way of finding things out in my opionion.cuz being scared of somthing doesnt make you not eat but being depressed does.but as greenlydia said about pueberty.lots of new emotions show up at that time for anyone  

cheers

[ardensmom]

Thank you so much... any suggestions of how to approach this with her doc, and her dad?  He has a tough time when his girls have a problem- just wants them to be "normal". Perhaps I should look for an actual pediatrician? She has always seen our family doc who is also a friend of her dads... he takes good care of my girls but would he have the right expertise?

Also- she has such dark circles under her eyes- always has- but they are way worse lately. Anyone have experience with this?

[potato4201]

i dont have kids but i know what it`s like to be one,lol,but im not sure if counseling at such a young age is usually great cuz of the whole "stranger thing".the easiest/worst people to talk is the parents at that age.are you guys separated?and she sleeping in different homes?if so which is easier to sleep at?i remember when i was young i couldnt sleep without a light or a tv at least,cuz ya know the whole scared of the dark thing,which will only keep someone awake even worrying somethin is "gonna get ya"which doesnt help.so it could be the light or not.did she see a bad movie? or maybe it is something at school that the teacher doesnt notice which isnt the teachers fault.hows her "friend" life?cuz ya know how kids are at that age.and most are too embarased to tell.i suggest you try to get answers individually out of her.dont "attack"her,cuz that can scare.do your best as parents before you take the counseling method.you WANT her to be able to come to you with problems instead of someone else that your paying a lot cash and wont be there the rest of here life. best of luck

cheers

[RubyWitch]

Long before I began switching the lights on or off, I would get her into her pediatrician for a thorough check-up. Once you rule out any physical cause for her behavior, you can then discuss getting her some therapy. There is obviously something going on and I am happy that both you and your partner are willing to work together to solve this issue for her.
You say she has always been on the anxious/negative/worry side and let's not overlook that she is rapidly approaching puberty (which seems to be happening earlier than in my day) but hormones COULD be playing a role in this, which her doctor will be able to rule in or out.
Start with the doctor and go from there.
Please do me one favor and don't tell her this is "all in her head!"
Peace
Greenlydia