could it be?

[mandapanda928]

I swear whenever I start to think back " which is very often" of things that have happened to me . I can feel it all over again , the pain the helplessness , I can just pretty much feel everything that happened, I don't always feel it all the way But when I'm not feeling the pain of it, I THINK of it all the time. Sometimes I just feel like I'm trapped in it, like I relive everything that happened everyday and i try to function on a way that I can live around it. Even trying to live around it, it's always still in the back of my mind. I relate everything I do to my past. EVERYTHING. I don't know why I just noticed this. I know I've been doing it for a long time, but i thought it was just normal, to live and to feel that way. But after talking to some of my family the other night ... I realized this is ALL I do. And i can't help it let a lone rarely notice it. School used to make me sick to my stomach and I still can not figure out why, I went to extreme lengths not to go to school I mean EXTREME, hurting myself extreme. I would get so sick when i went to school , upset stomach, just dizzy and out of it the entire time didn't help that girls were mean to me and I was jumped by about 10 girls for no reason, I could never really pay attention.Instead of my parents doing the right thing and taking me out They pushed and they pushed which made me even more scared, I dropped out of school in 8th grade. There was  A lot going on at home. I felt I had to take care of my mom my sisters. Even now whenever I'm even around a school I get nervous. Anyone who has ever hit me, or tried to kill me I just don't know how to get my head around it. Everyone expects me to let it go, act normal. It's just not me I can't do it. It's not NORMAL for my moms husband "to try to kill me"  my mom says he was just on meth that night? Oh that's an excuse? Not only that, after that happened my mom stayed with him. How does this make me feel, how is it supposed to make me feel. Ever since i was 3 I had gotten abused by every man that came into my moms life. I feel like everyone just hates me I must be ugly , or stupid , or annoying for people to just want to hurt me. What is wrong with me? Why did they all want to hit me? And if my mom loves me why does she stay with this man that tried to kill me and why did she let these people hurt me , why did all this have to happen? I'm her daughter. He wanted to take my life . What can traumatize a person more. My grandma said "OH IT COULD BE WORSE" REALLY? how could it be worse. . . I mean I know it could be worse but this pains me everyday.  My mom wants me and her husband to be close " just forgive him" is this possible?

I don't know what to do anymore _ i know i need therapy I'm going soon. I have gone before. But haven't found anyone that has really helped.
please help.

[mandapanda928]

I've tried to get therapy before but none of it has helped , I'm not giving up yet I'm still going to go this week to a new therapist and see how it works out. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you for replying I really needed some input and help. xoxo <3

[nursegirl6572]

Hon, after all you've been through, you need some intesive therapy.  You need to work through all of the emotions that come with having been through abusive situations.

How come you never sought therapy out before?  You don't have to live with this emotional turmoil anymore.  

Come back and update us on how you're doing!