dont know if i have a problem w/ anxiety? this is long sorry but please read i need help!!

[TCT20]

im afraid of getting attached or close to people. I dont let people into my life easy and im kinda stand-offish when it comes to being around family, like a big gathering with cousins, uncles, aunts. i have never discussed anxiety with my dr before cuz i thought id get over the things i was feeling and thinking.

Im scared of people dying. Like death scares me. Im fine going to a church viewing or funeral even cementry, but in my experiences with losing loved ones i can see a pattern. I hope that doesn't sound wierd..

This is what i mean:

grandpa [moms dad] after 4 years of not knowing where he was or seeing him we founf him and starting visiting every weekend, we founf out shortly after he was sick and 4 months after reuniting with him he passed away. [june 2001].

grandpa [dads dad] grew up with him my family moved away and for some reason my dad stopped speaking to his parents, 4 years later they send my dad a bday card [october] and after the 4 years of not talking to each other they start to do so everyday and then came all the visits, we also found out he was sick 4 months later grandpa passed away. [december 04].

bro in law. have known him for the 7 years my fiance and i have been together, talked everyday hung out, he was sent away to jail for 3 1/2 year and then had to do a 6 month rehab program, we had little communication while he was away, but he got out in june of 2007 and everything was back to normal. 4 months later he passed away gang violence. [october 2007]

now heres the thing my grandma [ dads mom] is my only living grandparent [moms mom passed before i was born]  i haven't talked to her in about 4 years since my grandpa passed away in 04 my dad hadn't either for whatever reason he has i have my reasons to stay away but anyways he talks to her now and im happy for him but afraid to get back in contact with her cuz im afraid ill get close to her and she'll be taken from me 4 months after starting to talk with her.

i dont wanna sound crazy but this is really bugging me i am only close to my parents and fiance. and one of my best friends lost her boyfreind in a car wreck and he also passed away which made my whole situation worse than it already is, im clingy to my fiance and when i hear ambulances i get all nervous to the point where i can call him every 5 mins to see if hes ok and alive!

im very scared to lose my parents cuz there all i have [ only child] and my dad is a driver so he goes away and when hes gone and my mom and i are home alone and our phone rings sometimes im afraid to answer it cuz im scared it'll be someone saying something bad happend to my dad while driving. i just wanna know what you guys think sorry i know this is super long.. Should i seek help?? Is this all in my head or do i seriously have a problem?

oh yeah one las thing i swear after ive lost all these people i wasn't able to look in mirrors or windows for a few weeks while alone!!  didn't wanna see them looking back at me. what can i do about that? or what else could that have to do with??

[RubyWitch]

I think you may be dealing with simple (sic) grief. You've lost a great many people in a relatively short span of time. You barely had time to process the loss of one person before you lost someone else. This would be a shattering experience for anyone, but more so for someone fairly young, which for some reason, I have assumed you are.
That your families had this lack of communication thing going on, then reuniting, and then a death...........I can see how it would be rather easy for you to begin thinking the way you are. You let these people into your life and shortly afterwards, you lose them. But you absolutely must understand that you had nothing whatsoever to do with any of these people passing! What has happened is a terrible coincidence, nothing more.
All these losses have made you afraid of losing other people you love, it's causing you to keep everyone at a distance so you don't get hurt again, it's causing you to obsess about your dad and his job. I think you're smart enough to know that that is a very unrealistic and unhealthy approach to dealing with life, and yes, death.
You are a young woman who has had more than her fair share of loss and in my humble opinion, you're just having a very difficult time, right now, dealing with everything life has thrown at you.
Whether you are an only child or not, we ALL fear the day we will lose our parents. But I'm getting the idea that this thought has become a bit obsessive to you. (?)  

I think you are dealing with some attatchement issues and your idea of seeking some help in the form of talk therapy, most specifically with a person trained in grief counseling, would be of tremendous help to you.
You are NOT crazy! And while this IS all "in your head," it's understandable why it would be there. You are, I believe, overwhelmed with unresolved grief, perhaps some guilt and it is manifesting itself as this huge fear of death. (Which is causing you to call your father all the time, to freak when you hear sirens, to "cling" too tightly to your boyfriend, etc)

I'm certainly no psychiatrist, but you not looking into mirrors or windows sounds like a very classic avoidance technique. Not because you're afraid to see these people looking back at you, but to see YOURSELF.

Anxiety can definitely be a by-product of what you're going through.

You seem to have a pretty good understanding of what has lead you to these feelings, now you just need some help in sorting them out, putting them into perspective and moving on. I don't mean to imply this will happen overnight, it's going to take some work on your part, but I strongly recommend you seek some help before this gets further out of hand.

I would also recommend you post to the folks over on the Grief Forum who will understand what you're going through and have some good advice for you. They are very caring and understanding people.

I truly believe with a little help you will get past all these "bad" feelings and move on with your life. And I am very sorry for all the losses you've endured.

I hope you reach out.
Peace
Greenlydia