Hi everyone,
My name is Nico and I am a 22 year old gay young man. I live in FL and have a very nice life. However, for the past two years I've been going through some tough emotional and psychological stress. Worried because for this extended amount of time I have not been feeling at all like myself. I'm worried. In the past I was extremely confident, very social and well liked. I want to get back to MYSELF, but I need some help understanding what this is and what I have to do.
Very Quick Back Story
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Came to college. Did great at school. Very involved -- excelled. Had a very emotional breakup with an ex-boyfriend from high school. Cried a lot over him. Took about a year to get over. Only way I was able to get past those feeling was by meeting a huge group of new friends. Was engulfed by this family of people. Met another man who was three years older than me -- he was very popular in this group. He and I were a lot alike in our goals and dreams for life. He and I were best friends for two years. He liked me as more than a friend, but each time he asked to be more I said no. Told him I wanted only friendship. He was hurt, but kept on with spending tons of friend time with me. Eventually I realized I wanted more with him after a trip out of country. Came back and told him. He was so mad. He refused me and things spiraled into a huge mess. 6 months I was lost in depression. Finally, we ended up collecting on a rocky same page and agreed to be boyfriends. We were together for a SAD four months. We fought a lot. The relationship I loved with him so much had basically fallen apart. So sad, because we were so right for one another. When we broke up I tried to hang on to mutual friends, but eventually it became to hard. They were always out on the town with him, and would hardly give me time. Socially, I do not have as much stamina as he does. He has a magic way with people and forms tight, tight relationships with them that I just don't know how to develop. He's more witty than I am, and apparently more fun. He puts a lot of money into parties for huge groups of people at his house.
In any case, I moved to another part of town after college. Really excelled at my job for my young age. Have been doing great career wise. However, I just have not been able to get over HIM. My mind every single day (except when I loose myself in work at the office) seem to be locked on him and my missing of his best friendship and then the relationship. Two years after breaking up I still have not found anyone I feel the same enormous feelings for. Wrote him a letter the other week, and had a very friendly dinner with him. Told him in a very mature way that I still have those feelings and miss him immensely. He let me know that though he loves me, and that I was his first real love, that he just does not feel the same any longer.
Next week I am moving to another part of the state about an hour 1/2 away for work reasons. I don't plan to be in this new city very long before moving yet again up to New York (again, for career reasons).
How I'm Feeling Now
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I feel very alone inside. I feel very lost in my mind. Text message and phone calls don't come like they used to when I was in that huge group. I feel disliked sometimes. Yet, when I go out to a club I'm always greeted and hugged by many smiling faces. When I feel comforitable, and I'm well slept and up to it, I can have a great conversation. Then again though there are so many days where I feel like I'm slipping into some weird socially anxious place. I find my brian working faster than my mouth sometimes .... I feel myself constantly looking for witty things to say, so that people will like me more. I associate my ex-boyfriends popularity with how many inside jokes and special relationships he formed with people. I just don't know how to do it. It's really difficult. I feel like I am an great, attractive guy, and I haven't been on a date with anyone in months. Men that I am physically and mentally into just don't seem to like me. I feel awkward now.
I don't know what this might be called ... only thing I could imagine was ANXIETY. If that happens to be it, I don't know if a mild anxiety medication might be in order.
I will take any sort of suggestions. I just want to make myself better, and get my drive and my constant great social skills back.
-Nico