Hello! You have provided a LOT of information in your other thread. For purposes of making it easier for people to understand the info and have all of the info to look at, I will include a link to your first thread here, since this is a continuation of that thread. I think it would be best to keep all comments to one thread, to lessen any confusion.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/teenage-incest-guilt/show/1938634
Well, there is a LOT that you write about that was simply normal sexual curiosity of a young child. Unfortunately, probably due to your culture's views about sexuality, when you were discovered experimenting with your sister (which is common behavior at that young age, btw), you were scolded and made to feel as though you did something wrong. That sent you your first confused message about your sexuality, and things sort of snowballed from there. A seed was planted in that moment by your mother and her reaction.
Again, due to some cultural practices of your country, you were exposed to things that would be confusing to a young man first experiencing sexual arousal. That's confusing for any young child, but then you were exposed to situations (breast feeding to help with the extra milk, lying with your topless mother, etc) that would of course raise your curiosity and make you have some feelings of arousal being exposed to a naked breast. You then had to sort out those feelings in your mind, with the underlying message your mother sent you that those kind of feelings were wrong.
HOWEVER, because of those earlier messages your mother sent you by scolding you after being discovered expermenting with your sister, this arousal you felt made you feel dirty, and made you feel guilty. If your mother had explained to you how it is normal to experience feelings of arousal, but then explained that touching certain areas of others was not okay, in a kind, loving and supportive way, I don't think you would have struggled as much as you have.
To complicate matters for you, from a young age, you adopted strong religious beliefs. While having faith and religion can be a wonderful thing, and can help people through difficult times, the unfortunate truth of the matter is, a lot of religious ideaology is based around guilt and sin. So, you are in turn taking these strong messages to heart, and it is confusing these issues for you even more. You clearly describe that after each supposed indiscretion, you apologized to God. In your mind, you felt that was sufficient. Now, you're asking questions like, "Why would God let this happen?". I have my own relgious beliefs, but I feel VERY strongly that God doesn't "make" anything happen. We are responsible for every action and decision we make.
I cannot say whether or not you're a pedophile. I would be inclined to say you've struggled more with a lot of sexual confusion and frustration, and that your strong religion is clouding a LOT of what is right and wrong for you. The experimentation that happened initially, as a very young boy was totally normal, that is nothing to worry about. However, you have continued, even to a much older age, to inappropriately touch people. Even if you didn't actually have sex with them, it doesn't make it okay to touch children in that manner. At 14, of course you still were struggling with your feelings, but by that time, I think it's fair to say you would know right from wrong. On one hand, in your other post, you say you abused the one boy "bad", but here, you say it was very minimal. Which was it?
I apologize if I missed it, but how old are you now? When was the LAST time you touched someone out of sexual curiosity? My honest advice to you is that you need to seek professional help to sort ALL of this out, and come to terms with the past, and try to discover what was driving your behavior. You also have a lot of insecurities and anxiety to address as a result of this. I would strongly recommend that you don't turn to your religion to sort through this, as that will only cloud the issue more for you. You can use your religion for some support, pray for gudiance from the professionals you will turn to...but as far as you trying to work through this, the answers will not be found in your religion.
Try to not spend a lot of time overthinking this right now. I know that's easier said than done, but to ruminate about this, before you're able to see a professional will only add to your anxiety and feelings of guilt. It goes without saying too, that if you CURRENTLY have thoughts or urges to touch others (mainly children), it would be best for you to not put yourself in a position where you are alone with children. You need to remove yourself from those situations. It doesn't sound like there has been any incidents of touching for a while...but that is still worth mentioning.
I think with some help, you're going to discover that this is more an issue of sexual curiosity stemming from the mixed message you received at a CRITICAL time in your development, where you were trying to make sense of the feeling of arousal. You were given the message that the FEELING itself was bad, which led you down a path of confusion and fear. Of course, the feelings of arousal don't go away, and because you weren't able to talk to a trusted adult about what it all means and get answers about sex...you didn't know what to do. And again, I think the religion confused things for you in a HUGE way, which made matters worse.
I wish you the best...I hope you can find some answers and get some closure on this for yourself. You need to work through this either way, because you're STILL not in the right frame of mind when it comes to seeking love relationships. You're left with a lot of insecurities and confusion.
Please update us when you see a professional.