teenage incest guilt

[supriya1234]

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i want to know that have i abused the daughter of my sister and that 1 year boy sexually. Have i ruined their lives?

Daughter of my sister was 3 that time. She was in my lap and we both were running and laughing.  . I touched her playfully in lower back region  just once. Never did that again. She loves me most now because we spent so good time together. I loved her more than myself. I used to save all my pocket money and used to spend on her lavishly whatever she wanted. Her dolls, toys, toffees chocolates, kurkure and all wishes of a child which i could fulfil . She is 17 now. We both love each other same. Will she be remembering what i did as a child? Her behaviour is same towards me loving only. She waits for me so that she can show me all her activities of her school functions etc.
Have i abused her? Will it affect her?

The other boy of our paying guests was just 1 or 1.5 years old when i was 14. I just rubbed my erect penis on his cheek while still wearing my shorts. I touched his penis once to see how it looks or does it get erect on touch like mine. I didnt torture him. I didnt perform sodomy didnt even try to penetrate or that sort of thing. Have i abused him sexually. I dont know where he is now. Will he be suffering from symptoms of sexual abuse done by me. I want these people to be happy. Please help sir. I m not attracted to children. Do u think i m a pedophile? Please reply if you can.

[nursegirl6572]

I already explained in detail what I think, and no I don't think you're a bad person.  I think you have anxiety and depression issues as a result of feelings of guilt and confusion stemming from these incidents.  I think you need to be in intensive therapy to work through all of these feelings.  I don't think God has a thing to do with any of it, except that your fervent religious beliefs confused the issue for you even more.  If you have a resulting anxiety disorder, or clinical depression....that's not a punishment from God, they are mental illnesses that need addressed.

[supriya1234]

hello.
My condition is deteriorating day by day. I m unable to understand my disease my problem.
Why These unwanted thoughts of incest, dishonesty, infidelity, cheating coming in my mind. I dont have any desire or any wish to act on these thoughts . They cause extreme disgusting and depressing feelings. I want to distract myself from all these. I want to know whether psychotherapy will make me alright. Will i become happy again? What are your views about me? Do you think i m a bad person? Do you think or know anybody else who has done so much bad in life? Why did i become Good automatically if i was a bad person? But still i feel guilt. Please help me. I m taking anti depressants for past 1 year but i m not happy and relaxed. Do you think i got this disease as a punishment of god. Please reply asap.
Tanks a lot.

[nursegirl6572]

I m trying to figure out why it was written in destiny to do these acts and then leave them of my own and then feeling depression and oCD After 12 years.

It wasn't written in destiny to do these acts and then suffer because of them.  That again, is your religous conviction talking.

Everything you describe indicates that you're dealing with a lot of anxiety and depressive symptoms, those all need addressed.  You're not going to get these feelings to just go away overnight on your own.  You've spent a lifetime creating these issues in your mind.

[supriya1234]

in my earlier posts i was not saying that i abused him for long time. In fact i was asking you that with These 1 -2 time touching have i abused that kid sexually? I didnt torture him or penetration sort of thing. I feel guilt because even if that was curiosity that was simply one of the most henious act one can do. I have guilt of that.  when i sit among people i feel myself most inferior  because only i m in this world who has done this much henious acts even if they have not caused harm to anybody else. Rest its life. I m trying to figure out why it was written in destiny to do these acts and then leave them of my own and then feeling depression and oCD After 12 years. Please keep talking to me. I feel bit relaxed talking to you. Thanks

[nursegirl6572]

Well, from what you've said, it all sounds like sexual curiosity, and not much to be worried about.  It was a bit confusing, because in your original post, you stressed that there was a lot of abuse with the boy...I cannot recall your exact words, but you made it seem as though very horrific things happened for a long period of time.

You still need to address these issues with a professional...they will help you with the feelings of guilt and regret, and your anxiety and depression.  Those things can improve, but it will take time, and work with a mental health professional.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment so you can start moving forward and finally put this behind you.

[supriya1234]

hello. Thanks again for your reply. I want to tell you that i m 29 now. I was 13 or 14 when i touched that boy. He was 1 or 2 years old. I just touched him playfully just once or twice. Not more than that. I knew it was wrong and i will be beaten if someone catches me but i thought i will touch once and no one will come to know.. I Didnt torture or didnt even try to penetrate . I was not sexually attracted towards him. I was 15 or 16 when i touched my mom and sisters.  same thoughts came and i did this act. I never repeated those acts in past 12 13 years. I never felt any urge to repeat them. I never did any such thing with anybody despite i got several chances to sleep in common rooms full of many boys , girls, children. I never repeated those acts with anybody after that. I never even thought of repeating them. I want to know why i lost control or why those thoughts arose in my mind only once and never after that. You know i feel so low when i think of those things. I feel myself the most inferior person in this world. Now these unwanted thoughts of incest, dishonesty, me wishing death of my parents keep on erupting in my mind. I have no wish to act on these thoughts. I dont feel any urge to act on them but such thoughts keep on racing through my mind. More i try to deviate myself more my mind think of them. These thoughts make me feel disgusted to the lowest level. I also want to tell you that i m a severe nail biting person since the day i know myself. I forgot to tell you this part of my personality. Please post any link which can give me more details about my problem. I feel that i m the only person in this world who has done such bad acts. Whatever problem arise in my life i think that this is punishment of GOD being given to me for my henious crimes. I think i will remain unsuccessful in life because i dont deserve happiness and blessing of GOD.  please elaborate more. I have given you most minute details of my problem as much i can. I will provide you with more details if you require them. Thanks again. Take care

[nursegirl6572]

Hello again!  I'm glad you came back to post more.

I'm happy you're getting yourself professional help, that really is so important.  

I can understand your worry about the little boy.  To be honest, if he was only 1 at the time, he would almost certainly have NO recollection of anything.  Your description about everything else was pretty detailed, yet you seemed to be a bit more vague when it comes to what happened with him.  That also seems to be one of your bigger sources of guilt, regret and anxiety.  I have a few questions for clarification, then I'll share what my impression is thus far...while I wait on your reply.

You said he was 1, how long did the "abuse" happen for?  Was it an extended period of time?  Did this happen multiple times?  If so, how many would you estimate?  You said the only thing that happened was that you made him touch your penis...and you touched his correct?  Are we talking very brief touching, or more like a masturbation act?  ANYTHING else occur with him?  

So, it's been 12 years since anything has happened with you touching another person in this manner, is that right?  And you were how old at the time you did this for the last time?

I'll comment more thoroughly after you can elaborate a bit, but from what you've said thus far, I cannot see how anyone involved would have been affected long term.  Most likely, none of them even have memories of anything happening, which IMO, should be the way it stays.  

If there is no memory at all, and we're talking a one time, extremely brief episode of touching, I doubt there was any kind of trauma.  It honestly sounds like an experimentation due to sexual curiosity more than anything...especially because how you were raised, what you were raised to believe to think about sexual arousal, and your religion.  These kinds of things are actually very common, and a pretty normal part of child development.  I just think in your case, your religion and upbringing have made it into a much bigger issue for you in your mind.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's EVER okay to inappropriately touch another person, especially a child who cannot understandm or consent to the touching...I'm just stressing that this kind of curiosity and experimentation happens all of the time.  The thing that concerns me more than anything is that I believe you were much older than the boy when this happened (like 12)?  The normal experimentation tends to more frequently happen among two children of about the same age.  I just think since you felt the need to severely repress these feelings and curiosity, you didn't engage in that normal kind of mutual experimentation...but instead did what you did.

I would love if you could elaborate more as to my questions above, and then I'll tell you whether I still feel this way.  I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by seeking help.  You need to explore the feelings that have resulted from these experiences, and learn how to let it go and move on.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

[supriya1234]

Thanks for your reply. I m feeling much better now. But i didnt feel urge to do that touching. I just wanted to feel how female anatomy is like. It was 12 years back. I did that once only. Never ever repeated that. Never ever even felt the urge to repeat that. Lived perfectly happily for 10 years. But then that girl friend issue made me feel guilt. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with OCD And i m taking anti depressants for depression. I m planning to see a psycho therapist also for CBT.  i want to know that i was always religious still why i became so bad that i m having difficulty in facing even myself. Feeling so low and worthless. I want to know that will that little boy be suffering because of my touch and fondling? I didnt torture him physically. I just wanted to see if his penis also gets erect on touch or not. I never repeated those acts. Its been 12 years those events . Please reply asap . Right now also these unwanted thoughts come in my mind. More i try to distract myself from these more they come specially when i try to focus on religion and meditation. . I want to get rid of this mess.  i dont feel any urge to act on these thoughts. Thanks for the reply again.

[ticked]

I totally agree as well with Nursegirl and that she took the time to respond in such an amazingly thought out way.

I also agree with BluCrystal as well as Therapy would help.

[BluCrystal]

I agree totally with Nursegirl.  She did a wonderful job of responding to you.  I would only add this: how about some professional therapy?  You dont have to be afraid of them calling the cops on you or anything of the sort.  They have confidentiality rules they must follow.  I think you should do this. - Blu

[nursegirl6572]

Hello!  You have provided a LOT of information in your other thread.  For purposes of making it easier for people to understand the info and have all of the info to look at, I will include a link to your first thread here, since this is a continuation of that thread.  I think it would be best to keep all comments to one thread, to lessen any confusion.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/teenage-incest-guilt/show/1938634

Well, there is a LOT that you write about that was simply normal sexual curiosity of a young child.  Unfortunately, probably due to your culture's views about sexuality, when you were discovered experimenting with your sister (which is common behavior at that young age, btw), you were scolded and made to feel as though you did something wrong.  That sent you your first confused message about your sexuality, and things sort of snowballed from there.  A seed was planted in that moment by your mother and her reaction.

Again, due to some cultural practices of your country, you were exposed to things that would be confusing to a young man first experiencing sexual arousal.  That's confusing for any young child, but then you were exposed to situations (breast feeding to help with the extra milk, lying with your topless mother, etc) that would of course raise your curiosity and make you have some feelings of arousal being exposed to a naked breast.  You then had to sort out those feelings in your mind, with the underlying message your mother sent you that those kind of feelings were wrong.

HOWEVER, because of those earlier messages your mother sent you by scolding you after being discovered expermenting with your sister, this arousal you felt made you feel dirty, and made you feel guilty.  If your mother had explained to you how it is normal to experience feelings of arousal, but then explained that touching certain areas of others was not okay, in a kind, loving and supportive way, I don't think you would have struggled as much as you have.

To complicate matters for you, from a young age, you adopted strong religious beliefs.  While having faith and religion can be a wonderful thing, and can help people through difficult times, the unfortunate truth of the matter is, a lot of religious ideaology is based around guilt and sin.  So, you are in turn taking these strong messages to heart, and it is confusing these issues for you even more.  You clearly describe that after each supposed indiscretion, you apologized to God.  In your mind, you felt that was sufficient.  Now, you're asking questions like, "Why would God let this happen?".  I have my own relgious beliefs, but I feel VERY strongly that God doesn't "make" anything happen.  We are responsible for every action and decision we make.  

I cannot say whether or not you're a pedophile.  I would be inclined to say you've struggled more with a lot of sexual confusion and frustration, and that your strong religion is clouding a LOT of what is right and wrong for you.  The experimentation that happened initially, as a very young boy was totally normal, that is nothing to worry about.  However, you have continued, even to a much older age, to inappropriately touch people.  Even if you didn't actually have sex with them, it doesn't make it okay to touch children in that manner.  At 14, of course you still were struggling with your feelings, but by that time, I think it's fair to say you would know right from wrong.  On one hand, in your other post, you say you abused the one boy "bad", but here, you say it was very minimal.  Which was it?

I apologize if I missed it, but how old are you now?  When was the LAST time you touched someone out of sexual curiosity?  My honest advice to you is that you need to seek professional help to sort ALL of this out, and come to terms with the past, and try to discover what was driving your behavior.  You also have a lot of insecurities and anxiety to address as a result of this.  I would strongly recommend that you don't turn to your religion to sort through this, as that will only cloud the issue more for you.  You can use your religion for some support, pray for gudiance from the professionals you will turn to...but as far as you trying to work through this, the answers will not be found in your religion.

Try to not spend a lot of time overthinking this right now.  I know that's easier said than done, but to ruminate about this, before you're able to see a professional will only add to your anxiety and feelings of guilt.  It goes without saying too, that if you CURRENTLY have thoughts or urges to touch others (mainly children), it would be best for you to not put yourself in a position where you are alone with children.  You need to remove yourself from those situations.  It doesn't sound like there has been any incidents of touching for a while...but that is still worth mentioning.

I think with some help, you're going to discover that this is more an issue of sexual curiosity stemming from the mixed message you received at a CRITICAL time in your development, where you were trying to make sense of the feeling of arousal.  You were given the message that the FEELING itself was bad, which led you down a path of confusion and fear.  Of course, the feelings of arousal don't go away, and because you weren't able to talk to a trusted adult about what it all means and get answers about sex...you didn't know what to do.  And again, I think the religion confused things for you in a HUGE way, which made matters worse.

I wish you the best...I hope you can find some answers and get some closure on this for yourself.  You need to work through this either way, because you're STILL not in the right frame of mind when it comes to seeking love relationships.  You're left with a lot of insecurities and confusion.

Please update us when you see a professional.