verbally abusive home

[murph57]

My son is 20 and lives at home.  He quit college and is looking for a job - although he doesn't want one.  Last night he called me vile names and I became verbally abusive to him as well. I am a single parent and he is an only child. We have been on an emotional roller coaster since he was a young teen.  His father and my mother both blame me for anything that goes wrong with him.  I admit that I had anger issues but I worked hard to provide for him and give him educational experiences.  I love him but I reach the end of  my rope when he calls me names and gives me the finger. He has an appt. with psychiatrist next week.  I am going to seek help too but would like another mom's point of view on this.    

[Tranquilitie]

I know that my son had to grow up hard and fast. His father and I were divorced, he was living with me and the kids started talking about wanting to go over to their dads and I told them about how their dad was abusive and stuff like that, I guess should have kept my mouth shut in hindsight (always 20\20). It doesn't tend to go over well when mom talks about dad or vice versa when they are divorced, that's neither here nor there though. My son was a great student in school, and then I guess things started up over at his dad's house and things started going downhill at school, he started getting into drugs and he ended up in a mental hospital 2 times (his dad's decision) where he ended up on so much drugs that he was like a zombie...he says he really didn't even know what was going on most of the time, especially at one of them. Teach your  son your way and don't let some psychiatrist say there is something wrong with your son when there really isn't. Most likely there is something he is mad about (who isn't mad or upset about something a lot of the time) and doesn't know who he can talk to OR IF he can talk to anyone. Be there for him, let  him know you are there to talk to, but his behavior around the house is not acceptable and if he wants to continue to live there that he is going to have to learn respect for you. He is also going to have to get up and get a job because there is more to life than video games. I used to be the one sitting on the couch playing video games when I was depressed when I was with an alcoholic and I was raising his son and pretty much him (ex) and trying to be strong for all of us. And he is NOT going to get him a good young lady by sitting on the couch playing video games, he needs to get up off his duff and go back to school and go to work. Then when he accomplishes that and out of school and has a job, then in his spare time he can play video games IN HIS OWN HOUSE.

[nursegirl6572]

Well, if she wants to enable him, why not suggest he go stay with her?  Seems like no one is interested in respecting your wishes, so it's time to get tough.

I would set a date, and notify him very soon (also in writing) that he is to be out on "x" day by "x" time.  Put in there that if he displays the abusive behavior at all before then, he will be asked to leavr immediately.

Really lousy situation, that stinks.

[murph57]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am inching my way towards the healthy and positive course of action but my mother has now given him a car, a cell phone and money.  He is her only grandchild and she and I are estranged. Several months ago I asked her to stop enabling him and she agreed, not sure what changed in the last few days but it is something I have no control over.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm a little late to the conversation, but wanted to add my input, and of course, my support.  

I'm sorry you're going through this, and to be honest, I agree that it's time to get tough.  This is YOUR house, you make the rules.  If he doesn't want to follow them, he finds somewhere else to go, as simple as that.  One of the rules obviously would be that you demand respect and in NO way will tolerate him being disrespectful to you for another moment.

You've offered different avenues (therapy) where you can both work on living together peacefully, and he isn't willing to compromise, therefore he really leaves you no options.

My advice to you is to give him notice that he has so long to find a job and move out.  How long you want to give him probably depends on how bad things are at home.  30 days is pretty fair, IMO, but if you want to give him longer, then you must make it very clear to him that ONE more episode will result in him being asked to leave immediately, notice or no notice.  He needs to understand that that is in HIS control and that his behavior WILL have consequences.  Tell him you have tried to work with him, but he won't budge.  

I know as a Mom it is hard...especially if you know he doesn't have a lot of options, but that's on him...you have to let that go.  If you give him notice, and he still does nothing to look for a place, or work...that's just not your problem.  He needs to understand that your serious, and that when the day comes, he's out.  Make sure you follow through.  Not saying it will be easy, but it's necessary.

I also advise seeking out therapy for yourself, to help you work through these emotions, the anxiety, and the guilt you experience, just having to be in this situation.  While your son is young still, he IS an adult...and it's time for him to move on.  And, his behavior is just completely unacceptable.  He wouldn't be faced with this if he showed some respect for you, and showed some effort in being an adult.

So sorry you're going through this...please keep us updated.  We're here for you!

[murph57]

In my heart I knew meds were not the answer but I wanted the abuse to end without further pain - i.e. the pain it takes to have a backbone.  We went to family therapist twice before son said never again. I will go by myself now.  I know it will come down to kicking him out on the street without anywhere to go.  Does anyone know how I can do that?

[TheLightSeeker]

Excellent advice from all!

The "Renaissance" generation, is what I call your son's generation.

Tough love is in, psych meds are out and therapy is a must (for both).

You can both benefit from a "reality" check.

Best wishes!

Niko

[Paxiled]

I'm not a mom (sorry, guys can't do that), but it sounds to me like you both have a mutual problem.  Sending him to a psychiatrist will just get him on medication, which is no panacea and no picnic.  From what you've said so far, I'd recommend you get both of you into therapy together and work this out -- sounds like a lot of anger and difficult going on for a long time for both of you.  Medication for him won't fix that, and he'll be stuck on these crazy meds, since psychiatrists these days almost never do therapy, they just give out drugs.  Seriously recommend for both your sakes you try another route.  Good luck.

[omhome]

you are welcome murph.......i think you will be just fine. He is only 20 and i mean that that is good....lot of parents are having kids at home at 30!  Really. These truly are hard times for our young folks so i get it.  Good luck murph....omhome.

[murph57]

Everyone needs a  kick in the pants once in awhile. My dad never cared enough to give me one.  Thank you for your sound advice.    

[omhome]

murph---i would also (we discussed the cell phone and video games) let him know in a very calm but strong way---with no discussion or bargaining possible-----let him know that the next time he shoots that finger it will be his ticket "Out" of your house and $$$ support. Seriously.
   I have to tell you (dad not mom) that the very best thing for him would be for you to kick him out of your house unless he obeys your rules---no exceptions.
Otherwise---?.      I think you know this but it is just hard! It is what dad's are for!-------- HA!        
omhome

[omhome]

whatever you are paying for-----cell phone......game boxes and games and tv time (he must Earn these) Rent? Food. Medical? He needs lessons in real life stuff.  Not all fun and games anymore.
    Sorry hon. It is just how us mean old dads think!     om

[murph57]

Thank you.  I need to be reminded of the things you said.  

[murph57]

You are astute! he loves video games and his cell phone. I don't give him any money any more and took away his car so he doesn't have a way to get alcohol.  Interested more in your thoughts.  

[omhome]

sorry about that murph57!  Senior moment!   My favorite excuse these daze!
omhome

[omhome]

Just a wild guess here donna?
Video games?  Cell phone addiction? Alcohol involved?
A little more info might help us help you with this problem.   Way more common than you think nowadays----especially with this economy.

[donnall65]

for one , you can only help those who want the help... I' ve learnt that no matter the past its all up to the person who is having this issue. You can let him know that you love him and your there for him but dont give him the tucked in bed felling when you do this youve lost. Your not helping him.. Hes 20 you say, I have 2 children out of five that have dropped out of school had kids been in trouble with the law you name it and Ive been there holding the bag 'so to say' . Its time to let go hes of age now and there are no excuses or blames you set the path you did you what as a mother you were suppose to do for your child well hes no longer a child and you need to not let him grow but give him no choise but to grow up. It killed me to let go but when I  came to see I was only hendering and I to was falling due to 'HOLDING THE BAG' I let them go... At first they had it hard very hard but now their fine and proud I put the law down Momma's law . Set the bags by the door if need call the law but you have to breath and have a life you've done you part now let him have his>>> My prayers are with you! Donna